Suppose I really want to call a store and find out if they carry Prince Albert tobacco? You know, the kind that comes in a can?
Yes, this is Sears customer service calling. We’re making a courtesy follow-up call regarding the Kenmore refrigerator you recently purchased. We just wanted to make sure that it’s operating in a satisfactory manner, and that you’re happy with your purchase?
Yeah, I once gagged someone with a tel-
Oh, not what you meant. Sorry.
I have amnesia, and I don’t know who I am.
You want to know who I am? I’m sorry, I can’t confirm my identity.
This is a bad time for you? No, I can’t leave a message. I don’t know my name! I’m sorry, I just can’t say.
And maybe somewhere there really is someone who needs to reach Mr. Coholic, first name Al.
When I was a teen I thought it was Hi-larious to answer the phone:
“Tidy Didy Diaper Service, you mess 'em we press 'em, how may I help you?”
Hi-larious I tell ya.
My father used to answer “Sherwood Forest. Robin Hood himself speaking.” when he was a kid. I used to say “This is Heaven. God speaking,” when I was about 16.
Jim Morrison would say “Morrison’s mortuary. You stab 'em, we slab 'em,” and I had a co-worker who liked to answer the phone by saying “D’s abortion clinic. You rape 'em, we scrape 'em.”
Perhaps you just don’t want to bowl if you can’t borrow an 11-lb ball.
Heard on NPR the other day,
Adam Sandler would prank call resteraunts, and then try and get a free sandwich at the end.
He’d say the food he ate earlier was bad, ect…
That takes cajones’, to go there and then EAT the sandwich.
I will occasionally answer the phone “Alcopoco Beach-side”
I think you need to be of a certain age to get that one…
Answer the phone this way:
Tom’s Rhinoplasty calling. We’re just doing a follow up call to make sure your sinuses have resumed normal function following the procedure. Are you currently experiencing any flowing nasal mucous?
I look up an old high school buddy and gave 'em a call.
I start out, “Heywood Jablome?”
And the next thing I know . . .
:: ring ring ::
“Davern’s Tavern. May I help ya?”
“I’m looking for Michael Hunt. Would you mind seeing if he’s there? Oh, and he never goes by Mike. Thanks.”
Many years ago, in the era before seafood of every variety was widely available everywhere, I wanted to make paella, so I needed mussels.
I called our city’s one seafood shop. A male voice answered. I asked, “Do you have mussels?” “No,” he replied. “Then how do you stand up?!??” I asked. Har-dee-har-har!
I continued, “I’m sorry, I just had to say that. Seriously, I’m making paella, and I really am looking for mussels. If you don’t have them, do you know where I might get some?”
He replied, “Try the YMCA!”
Touché! 
“Hey, your cow in in my garden.”
“I don’t have a cow.”
“I don’t have a garden either.”
“This is Bud’s Appliance Repair, is your refrigerator running?”
“Yes it is”
“You better go get it before it runs away.”
ring ring
“Hello”
“Is John there?”
“No one here by that name.”
ring ring
“Hello”
“Is John there?”
“I told you before, there is no one here by that name.”
ring ring
“HELLO”
“Hi, this is John, has anyone called for me?”