I’m finding myself now in an unenviable position. For the first time in my life, I am the happiest I’ve ever been, and the saddest, simultaneously. It’s unsettling.
You see, my marriage of over a decade is ending. Oh, it’s been on life-support for well over three years, but just recently we decided to pull the plug after it became painfully obvious that dealing with my mental health problems were the 800 pound gorilla in the middle of the living room. Too much bitterness and problems had accumulated for the solutions we were trying (everything, I might add, from counseling to seperation, you name it, since around the start of 2000 or so) to have any success. So, many, many months ago we chose to throw in the towel and allow him to actually hope for normalcy again and me to hope not to sink. Sounded like a good plan. And while we’ve been aiming to fix logistics (like me getting ‘well’ enough to hold down a full-time job again, sell my vehicle for something more economical, find another place to live, etc.), we’ve both started moving on with our lives in the form of accepting if the other wishes to date again. It’s been heartbreaking, all of it. Loss of dreams and hopes and plans, but ultimately, we both are behaving as maturely as possible and moving ahead.
Now, that’s the bad, painful, keep-me-awake-at-night, throw up stuff. The flip side is oh-so-good; being in love. How, you may ask? Well, through the wonder that is the internet, I managed to hook back up with my very first, real true love. Ah, life’s been hard on both of us and we’ve lived some pretty shitty times. However, we seem to be on the same page. That is what I’d like to wax poetic about in this post and request you all to do the same. Kind of trying to cope with this new-found status of mine by sharing it with the Doper world and making everyone as nauseus as my friends about all this. So, let me tell y’all how it is…
He’s wonderful! But I guess you saw that coming, right? How is it, that I can be a 35 year old woman, who this isn’t her first rodeo, yet NEVER have felt this way before??? I know it’s early and there’s lots going on that’s probably making this a fairy tale to me, but damn. He thinks I’m beautiful and although that’s the most amazing thing to hear on a daily basis, it ain’t true (at my very best, I may clean up alright). He has never gone back on his word, not even once. He cares about every little thing that goes on with me and wants to hear about it all, ad infintum, even if it’s bad or problematic. He really truly looks at me, like he can see right through to the inside. It’s almost disturbing, if I didn’t find it so incredibly endearing.
Then, of course, that’s not all. ::: goofy school-girl shiver ::: He writes me poetry. I’m the first person he calls when he walks in the door from work. As a matter of fact, he spends his breaks every day on the phone with me. Yeah, I know. Sappy, but I adore it just the same. You’d think we were still those two teenagers from twenty years ago, looking all moon-eyed, not being able to keep our hands off each other, living for every second together and dreading any time apart. I’ve never been kissed, held or told “I love you” so much in my life. But the absolute best part, what’ll keep grateful and happy eternally even if we broke up, is that he seems to love me as much as I love him. That is ground breaking territory for me – never has that happened. I’ve always been much more head-over-heels than anyone I’ve been in a relationship with, right up to my husband. Pathetically, I’ve had to beg, plead and cry for my love to be returned in equal amounts. Yet, that’s forever fallen on deaf ears. No more! He can’t seem to love me enough and it’s what I’ve waited my whole life for. I feel so unbelievably lucky. ::: blush :::
Ah, there’s tons more I can prattle on about, but now I’d like to know how it is for you guys. Tell me about your mushiest-ness with the love of your life. I want to read all the gory details and live vicariously through all of us experiencing this at the same time. What is it when one is silly like this? I’ve never been big into romance, so why is it all I think about now? All I desire to read, watch, whatever? I have to get my fill because I’m all alone without him this weekend and need a fix of gush. Surely someone can help me out. I’m up for any stories of “I can’t live without” them, infatuation, love at first sight, puppy love, and/or flirting, anything and ALL of it! Please, please, please.
Ok, I’ve now officially humiliated myself in the name of amor. I’ll let the rose-colored chips fall where they may and hope for the best.