It looks like my wife and I will be traveling to Chennai in October to attend the wedding of one of my wife’s co-workers. I’m really looking forward to it, but at the same time I don’t really know what to expect. I don’t have a ton of details yet, just a quick e-mail from the bride-to-be. The most pertinent section said:
"The wedding is in Chennai and starts October 7th (evening) and will continue until October 9th (night).
To give you an idea, here is a small write up on the wedding style. It hasn
Well, crap. Looks like there’s some sort of limit on post length in TapaTalk. Feel free to reply anyway; I’ll elaborate when I get back on my home computer.
Ok here goes - I am an Iyer who got married in the Iyer tradition (not to another Iyer though) about 15 years ago. I am not particularly observant so the details might be a bit sketchy.
The first evening would be formal welcome to the bridegroom and his family by the bride’s family. There will be a ceremony led by the priest which may also include a formal “engagement” ceremony. I am unclear whether it happens even if there was one well ahead of the wedding.
This will be followed by a formal-ish dinner. Wear your evening clothes for this event. I would not recommend a suit - the Chennai heat can be hellish. But a nice ‘kurta-pyjama’ would work.
The main wedding ceremony would be the next morning. Depending on the auspicious hour for that date, it could start very very early (say 6 am) or a bit later. It should get over in about 3-4 hours. This will be followed by a formal lunch. It will probably be served on a banana leaf and will have multiple courses. Sit next a local who can shepherd you through this. Be prepared for the host to insist you eat more and learn to decline with a smile early - because food will be forced on you inspite of your protests.
There may be some fun and games for the afternoon - but the wedding as such is over. There may also be a wedding reception in the evening.
If you have any specific questions - I will try and answer as best I can
Here’s the rest of what should have been posted yesterday:
[QUOTE=Bride-to-be]
The wedding is in Chennai and starts October 7th (evening) and will continue until October 9th (night).
To give you an idea, here is a small write up on the wedding style. It hasn’t been written very well, nor is it 100% accurate. But at least the main ceremonies are listed
Please note, there will be no horses or elephants in the wedding! LOL
October 7 (Afternoon/Evening) – Mehendi
October 8 (Morning) – Vratham
October 8 (Evening) – Nichyathaartham (Engagement ceremony)
October 9 (Morning – Main event) - Muhurtham or wedding
October 9 (Evening) – Reception
[/QUOTE]
Any tips on etiquette, dress, or just anecdotes and observances would be welcome. The bride-to-be will be visiting next month and has already promised to take my wife shopping for a couple of sarees (apparently the ones she owns are northern Indian in styling, and the ones in Southern India are different). I’ll certainly pick her brain regarding men’s clothing.
If you arrive early enough, it should be very easy to get custom-tailored Indian clothes. Get a local friend to find you a tailor and to recommend appropriate dress for a wedding guest. Western men generally look great in basic Indian clothes – kurta/panjabi (tunic) and pyjama (pajama-like drawstring pants).
This is just purely my personal opinion – so take it with a grain of salt – I find that western women look very awkward in saris, especially if they’re tall and thin. Indian clothes for women look better on a shorter and softer, less angular frame – love those curves. And there’s also a particular way to move and walk that makes it all look smooth and graceful that comes with a lifetime of practice. You also have to be comfortable with exposing your belly and lower back. I think western women are much better off wearing the salwar-khamiz (with dupatta/scarf), which is the female version of the kurta-pyjama. It has the bonus of draping pretty much like a shirt and trousers. You don’t have all those moving parts to get used to. And this is very important – if you have to use the bathroom.
The main thing to understand about Hindu weddings is that it’s a party. You’re not there to sit quietly and solemnly witness the ceremony … it’s all Sanskrit mumbo-jumbo anyway that nobody understands. You’re there to socialize, appreciate the elaborate decorations and clothing and food and have fun. Just observe and go with the flow of what you see around you.
Western women can wear lenghas, too. Do you know, though, when I was in Montreal I watched some awful white people who went to an Indian wedding - some reality show or other - and were making fun of it? Stupid biddies. One of them was bitching constantly about how it was vegetarian food only. DEAL WITH IT. You do not need meat at every meal. Eventually I muted it so I could just watch the pretty clothes.
Reminds me of the Office episode “Diwali,” in which Angela approached the food table saying, “I’m vegetarian; what can I eat?” and the Indian dude telling her with a confused look “It’s all vegetarian.”
I remember once when my Telegu Brahmin guy friend was seriously dating a Bengali non-Brahmin girl and they tentatively began to discuss things like how a wedding might be pulled off. My friend said, “Well, my father’s going to insist that we use his pure vegetarian caterer.” Bengali girl: “Well, then no one is going to show up from my side.”
It’s true! Bengalis are not going to turn up for a wedding where there’s no meat and, especially, no fish. What kind of a celebration is that! Are we being punished?
The Bengali wedding process starts when the bride’s family delivers a fish to the groom’s family. (Very different message than would be understood by Sicilians.)
Bengalis are generally Shiva and Durga/Kali worshippers and there’s a long tradition of blood sacrifice in those sects. That means yummy goats and fish!
Punjabi people won’t show up at a wedding where there is no alcohol. I know my family wouldn’t mind chicken, but I highly doubt there would be any fish. I know all the men would get drunk, though (except the groom).
A fish! The Punjabi wedding process begins when we send a shagun, which is I guess what the fish is, but for us it’s generally sweetmeats and maybe a pretty cloth or something.
We’re real good at going with the flow. Prarthana felt like she needed to warn us that at least one meal would likely be served on a banana leaf and eaten with our fingers, to which we both thought, “…and?” I have absolutely no problem with the concept, and I suspect that I’ll like 90% of whatever is served.
My wife already has 4 or 5 sarees, and looks fantastic in them (yea, curves!). I have a couple of kurta/pyjama suits, but I gather that those aren’t the traditional dress in Chennai. Whatever - I’m game. I’ll never blend in; I’m 6’-1 with light brown hair and blue eyes, but I’m all for adopting local dress if appropriate, and a wedding seems like just the occasion to do so.
I gather that the sarees worn in south India are somewhat different than the ones worn in the northern part of the country, so she’ll probably want to get a couple more. It’s funny watching her shop with her Indian friends. My wife is kind of sensitive about displaying her mid-section, and this baffles her friends since she has no problem showing some cleavage. I gather that they’re exactly the opposite.
Are there any things that we Westerners routinely do (or don’t think about) that I should be mindful of? Other than the not-getting-drunk thing?
I really wish Indian fashions would make some inroads in Western countries. It’s a very welcome change from the more somber garb that we tend to wear. Even our formal wear tends to be somewhat monochromatic; it just doesn’t have the ornateness that even everyday Indian clothing often has.
Plus, I hate to disagree with you Ascenray, but I happen to think that almost every woman looks good in a saree. I wouldn’t mind at all if more women wore them.
Anyway, even if you don’t get a chance to get new outfits, those clothes look plenty festive to me. That’s not just your everyday walking around kurta-pyjama you’re wearing.
What else do you need to know? A big adage in Hindu cultures is, essentially, “Be respectful to elders, friendly to people your own age, loving to children”. Follow that rule and be polite and kind to everyone, and don’t turn down food.
Well maybe at someone’s house, but at a wedding, most of the time, there are one of two options - either there’s a large buffet, or they come along and serve it to you, and in the second case, I always say “Yes, just a little” until my plate is full.
Now my mouth is totally watering for some of the greasy halva they serve up in Gurdwara. I haven’t been to Gurdwara in ages.
They don’t exactly ask each person, but they don’t really slap it down on your plate, either, IME. They start to pour it, but you have time to refuse if you really don’t want it, or you already have like three rotis on your plate and can’t take anymore.
