It’s a cliche to say that rebound relationships are bad, but usually only one reason is given - the “classic”, where the person out of the long-term relationship is on a high and thinks they’ve met their One True Love. Unfortunately this high only lasts a few weeks and their brain collapses: they miss their former partner to a far greater degree than they thought and the new person no longer holds their attention. Dangerous for the reboundee*.
However there’s also “new recipe” rebound that you and I had: the person out of the long-term relationship is on a high and thinks they’ve met their One True Love. The supposed One True Love treats it far more casually and ends up seriously hurting the rebounder.
So all in all, while there are many anecdotal exceptions, rebound = bad.
*I also did this to the girl I rebounded to after my rebound. :rolleyes: Still feel bad about that.
Maybe rebounds wouldn’t be so bad if you figure the first or first few involvements you have following the split are expendable. Rehearsals for the real thing. They could be ones with no real expectation of lasting, like someone on a temporary assignment who will be moving, a vacation romance - this may be what those things are made for!
Because yeah, there’s no way of learning this stuff in a vacuum, or from a book, or a messageboard. Og knows I’ve tried It has to come through living - in contact with other people. Relationships are where we learn. It’s transactional.
And yet I hate the thought of failing people (or myself). You can’t jump in wholeheartedly knowing that you’ll likely lose – and you can’t win if you’re not willing to jump in.
This is exactly how New Wife and I entered our relationship. We were both leaving long-time unsatisfying deals and acknowlged enough red flages between us to supply the former Soviet Union. We entered into it knowing it was just for fun & friendship and that there was no way in hell it would/should last. After a couple months we had The Talk: “Look, I’m really not seeing any incompatability here, and I’m looking for it.” “Yeah, me too.” “Oh. Is this a problem…?”
I’ve had three strikes. The first marriage ended amicably; we were just too young and we grew apart, but we salvaged a friendship. The second was the single biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life. The third I thought had a chance, until she decided it was more important to do drugs than to be married.
I’ve spent 20 years of my life being married. After the third one, I was scared (and scarred); I was NOT looking for any kind of long-term relationship. Not no how, not no way.
Then I met SWMBO, who was in somewhat the same boat after a disastrous marriage. We’ve been together for nearly 19 years now and neither one of us can even remotely envision a life without the other in it.
I never got married but was engaged to be before it all went horribly wrong, this was 18months ago and i still don’t ever want to take a chance like that again!
It has to come through living - in contact with other people. Relationships are where we learn. It’s transactional.