Tell me what I should do...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Well Hypergirl,
I don’t know you or you family well enough to give detailed advice. Of course after hearing your side I would like to hear whay your parents would have to say but I don’t think they post here.

However…

It sounds like there are some communication problems to say the least. Talk to your school counselor and try to get some family counseling.
Communication is a two way street. You have to be able to communicat your feelings to your parents and well as listen. Your parents need the same skills. It seems that each side may be lacking in these skills. So a conflict resolution specialist could be contacted but some family counciling is in order.

If you care to e:mail me more details about your situation feel free to do so. It’s in my profile.

Zebra

22

Other people have done a better job than I could of explaining why your second option is not a good one. Let me add to the discussion of the first.

A marriage consitutes both a legal and emotional bond. The legal part means that you and your husband–whether the friend or the boyfriend–will suddenly have a different status when it comes to things like financial aid & student housing (at your friend’s college). You would be assumed to be his beneficiary–and responsible for his estate–if by remote chance he dies (and vice versa). Those sort of things constitute a whole of worms that you and your friend do not want or need to get into. From the emotional side, being “married” (even if it’s just to escape your family), carries a boatload of baggage, both personal and societal. Even if you manage to avoid it as a couple, the people around you won’t. You will have a whole new set of expectations and criticisms thrust upon you for being married at your age. This is not the sort of thing you need to be dealing with. Divorce is also not easy, even if you’re simply dissolving an arrangement of convenience. In some states there are some pain-in-the-ass requirements before dissolving a marriage, things you might find onerous when you need to move on. You’re in for an entire bundle of new legal and emotional crap to deal with when you try to get out of it.

I realize you’re doing the best you can under difficult circumstances, but you need let someone else help you find solutions. I’ve been in many situations where I thought long and hard and was sure I’d seen every angle–but being involved so deeply, my perspective was warped. Someone else, particularly someone who has helped other people work through a difficult family situation, might have solutions that really will work. Maybe there are other ways to get out of the house for a while. Maybe there are ways to change the family dynamic. Just because you can’t think of them (or can easily shoot them down) doesn’t mean they’re not valid or possible with help.

23

I tried thinking of other people that I could live with, but I didn’t come up with anything. Most of my friends either live in very small houses, or have parents who would not be willing to support an extra person (and I don’t blame them). My boyfriend’s parents wouldn’t let me live with him, but he may be moving in with his brother soon, and I may be able to go with him, but I don’t know if it will happen.

Talking to clergy…my dad is a rabbi and he couldn’t care less. Religion has been forced down my throat all my life and I don’t believe a word of it. It’s certainly not something I am willing to fall back on now.

My friend can not be arrested for statutory rape, because that charge requires proof of sex. Either pregnancy, or semen samples. Since we won’t be having sex, there is no way to prove that we are. As for it being unfair to us, it was his idea. We could both carry on our current relationships. In order to end it, we found a law saying that if a marriage is never consumnated, divorce is not necessary, but the whole thing can be annulled.

And dewt, I do honestly believe that. My life right now would be perfect if it weren’t for them constantly breathing down my neck. I know some of you people don’t think it’s a big deal and that I should just grow up and stop complaining, but it is true that mental abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. I’m sorry to seem like a whiny little teenager, but as I have said before, the boards are a great place where I can vent, and get perspective on things.

24

Jess, I hope you listen to Silverfire and the others here who so much want to see you happy and healthy.

If you really are in a situation where it’s preferable to harm yourself than stay with your parents, something has to be done. There are places to go, there are people who can help you, there are things that can be done to help you solve your problems.

First, find an adult that you trust to talk to. Maybe it’s not a counselor at school (my counselors were never much help at all). It could be a teacher, a janitor, a coach, a vice-principal, your boss, a co-worker, a member of this board. If you can’t think of anyone, take a look around an find an adult that you think has their shit together, acts with kindness and wisdom, and treats you with respect. They may not be able to wave a magic wand and make it all better, but they should be able to give you a place to vent and perhaps some ideas to work from.

Second, even though your father is a rabbi and you’ve had religion shoved down your throat all your life, don’t discount the help a cleric can give. Not all rabbis are the same. Not all of them shove religion every chance they get. Most of them, because of their calling to serve God, believe that simply helping others is the way to do their work. A good rabbi/priest/whatever can counsel you and also - very important - put you in contact with some resources.

Third, take a look at what is required to become an emancipated minor. Then check the local charities, shelters, youth hostels, and what have you. You may be able to find housing with them. Don’t hesitate to call relatives that you trust. It may mean that you have to move away from your home and friends, but there is always mail, phone, and Internet to keep you in touch. Besides, after graduation, you’d be looking at the same separation anyways.

Fourth, call a mental health hotline. The site I found that list at looks like it has tons of resources. I’ll bet there’s something there for you.

Jess, you’re too valuable and wonderful a human being to be damaged like this - either by yourself or anyone else. Please, whatever decision you make, make it on the basis of what does the least harm and most good for you.

25

Hyper, I’m sorry things have gotten worse…

(((((((hypergirl)))))))

The people above have given excellent advice. Listen to them, whether it’s SilverFire telling you to get committed or tiki telling you to try to tough it out. They both have good points.

Do NOT choose either of the choices you mentioned. Those are much too drastic and sound like they could cause you much more trouble than you need.

Kunilou is right; those mental wards watch you like hawks and keep anything that could harm you away from you: razors, pens, etc. I wouldn’t know from my own experience, but my cousin had to stay in one of those when she was 16. If you don’t mind constant supervision and many of your freedoms taken away, then by all means, go ahead and try to kill yourself. But I think it’s a bad idea.

If you ever need to vent, vent to me. I’m a “whiny teenager” and a cutter, too, so feel free to IM me.

26

Unfortunately I have no information on your area however I would like to put forward the following alternative options for you.

Family Counselling: By far the best option available (IMHO) is to resolve the current problems rather than create new ones. Your school councillors and doctors, are in most areas legally obliged to act if a case of abuse is reported to them, particularly if it involves contemplative suicide. If family counselling is suggested, by you as a preferred option for resolving the issues, it will usually be taken as this is the least hassle for all involved, and will at least put you in contact with a professional who can then refer you on as needed.

A residential program: These are usually set up for drug and alcohol problems and tend to be very heavily into rules and structure and so may be no better for what you need than where you are. They are however relatively easy to get into.

In my experience all institutes/ councillors/ programmes are not the same, as in most fields the level of competence in mental health can vary greatly from practitioner to practitioner and organisation to organisation. So be prepared to have a couple of attempts before you find something that fits your needs.

If you have any questions please feel free to email me.
Brittimus@zfree.co.nz

Oh and congratulations the first and often hardest step is asking for help, the next will be to act on it please do so.

27

Hypergril, I’m glad you feel it’s safe to vent here. But remember. Your entire life will have people constantly breathing down your neck. Your parents. Your teachers. Your bosses. Your boyfriends, your roommates and ultimately, should you choose that road, your husband and children.

How you learn to deal with those feelings and frustrations now determines how you will live the rest of your life. If you cut yourself now, you will continue to cut yourself. If you look for an escape now, you will look for an escape in every relationship you have, as soon as you feel someone is breathing down your neck.

I don’t mean to be cruel here, but you have a naive and short-sighted view of the implications of the actions you’re proposing. I have outlined what it means to attempt suicide. Others have noted what it means to marry someone. Someone else on the board mentioned self-emancipation. I suggest you try to find out what it means to be completely responsible for yourself before you seriously consider that.

All of the actions you propose could put you into situations that are a hundred times worse than what you’re in now. If you don’t believe that, check with my ex-wife, who admits she got married to escape her parents, has gone through four failed marriages and is currently feeling very bad that she spent Christmas, New Year’s Eve and her birthday alone.

I urge you to look into whatever resources are available in your area for counseling and learn for yourself how to deal with the pressures you feel in a mature, constructive way, rather than looking for a quick way out. I assure you, simply escaping from your parents is a long way from making your life “perfect.”

28

Hypergirl:

You need to listen to these people that are responding to your thread. I understand you need to vent, but what you’re proposing will damage your life. Personally, what silverfire has said has been the best advice so far. I committed myself when I was sixteen because I was a cutter, had a drug problem, and had many of the same problems you have with your parents. I had a moment of clarity; I realized that if I didn’t get serious help, I would probably be dead before I was eighteen. Another thought you should ponder if you’re committed–you get a breather from your folks, and perhaps a short break like that can put things in perspective.

Yeah, your folks seem like they’re driving you crazy, but as you get older, you’ll also understand that they’re only trying to do the best they can. I never understood what my mother was going through until I matured and started to take responsibility for my life.

I don’t think you realize how short-sighted your proposals are, and even if you think they’re the only ways out–they are not. There are so many other paths you can take, and the most important one is going to be therapy. Please, please get help.

29

*Originally posted by hypergirl *
My life right now would be perfect if it weren’t for them constantly breathing down my neck.

Unfortunately, mental abuse stunts the maturing process; if you get away from them now, you’ll still be emotionally unprepared to take care of yourself. It’s a neat system; the more damage parents do, the more you need them to survive.

but it is true that mental abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse.

I’ve been there, and you’re right. But do you want to make mistakes as bad as, or worse than, your parents have made?

I hope other posters’ descriptions of suicide watch have made this point moot, but: Don’t be so sure that you can cut your wrist(s) and still survive. You’re a cutter, but you’re not a surgeon.

30

Did you consider staying with a foster family? A local family resource center would better answer your questions.

31

hypergirl

I am not about to say that you are overreacting… I haven’t met you, and I don’t think you’ve described the whole story enough for anyone to understand like you do, but I have to reiterate one thing: There must be other options. Whether it’s going to crash on a friends couch for a few nights to think it over, or acually going to seek professional advice . . . There are always options.

What I don’t quite follow, and what still scares me, is the fact that you are “cutting” yourself. I’m not sure if you totally mean this verbatim, but I know that for myself I would not shoot myself again after being shot once. I don’t quite follow how physically scarring yourself will fix the situation. . .

What I do understand, and hope you keep doing, is to at least post what you are thinking. We (the SDMB) may be all over the country and world, but maybe we can give you an idea that you like . . .

Tripler
Don’t cut yourself. . . Please.

32

Hypergirl, listen to what these people say. Your quote above makes me think that you realize at some level that your proposed solutions are overkill. Deal with your current problems, don’t create new ones. Marrying your boyfriend when he turns 18 reminds me of a friend from high school. At 16, she wanted to get married in the worst way - to escape home and parents - and she did it in the worst way possible. She was abused and dumped. She ended up with 3 kids by the time she was 25, with no husband, no job skills, and no prospects of anything besides welfare and living at home with her parents.

Counseling can help. Look in the Yellow Pages for “Counseling” or “Crisis intervention”. Some do have a religious background, but not all. Some of the crisis intervention places have teens, college students, etc. that have gone through the same thing you are, and know your problems first hand. If you don’t like one program, or can’t deal with it, go to the next one on the list. The important thing is to keep going, keep trying, keep looking. The right one is out there, if you’re willing to look for it and try to work with them.