You know, everyone is saying, “run,” “Run!”, “RUN!” I think that’s a bit harsh. A brisk walk should do nicely.
Seriously though, age issues and mama’s boy issues aside, I had my experience with jumping the gun on marriage, with a girlfriend I dated last year and this one. Four months into the relationship (the first for each of us), we knew, and damn the consequences. Oh sure we were going to wait until we finished school to tie the knot, but the damage was done. I don’t care how many people you’ve dated, how many times you’ve fallen in love, no one is ready for marriage at 22. And your 30 year old boy isn’t ready either.
Your only hope is this: start over. Tell him that the M word is verboten and you’re just going to date. You can even arrange to “meet” each other again if it helps. You need a clean slate, and then maybe a healthy, just-dating relationship will give him what he needs to break up with his mom and live his own life.
I wasted 6 years raising a child who was 11 years older than me.
I needed a partner and got a baby.
He WILL NOT CHANGE, especially for you. No matter how much you love him, no matter how much you plead.
I wished I had listened to those that told me to get out in the beginning, maybe my therapy bills wouldn’t have been so high after I finally left.
Put on your walking shoes sister, you’ll be better off. Trust me.
We were all young and stupid once, the key is not to marry and make kids with a dysfunctional person. I dated a whiny, immature, emotionally needy, socially insecure, borderline unstable person in college. I didn’t listen to anybody, I knew better, and paid the price, and now I have 2 kids (whom I love dearly) and a bat-shit irrational ex wife.
Sometimes you really need to take stock of a situation re long term prospects and look past the immediate “feel good” nature of the relationship.
I don’t think his living with mom at 30 is necessarily something to get panicked about, but it is an indicator that he is unlikely to make any move out of his comfort zones without being dragged like a whiny passive-aggressive donkey.
If you love your guy take him for what he is and don’t expect that he will change markedly or you are setting yourself up for bitter disappointment.
As a practical calculus in that you are a 22 YO woman these are your absolute prime “meet and greet” years to find an appropriate and fulfilling relationship. If you “waste” them hanging on to Mr. No Commit a lot of the more eligible (normal) bachelors will have been snatched up. Not to say you can’t find love at any time, but for most women these are the years of maximum physical attractiveness.
I have nothing of significance to add to this thread. But I just had to say that I think “Prehensile Rectum” is the funniest user name I’ve ever heard!
Yeah, just by the fact you picked this name means you could probably do better than him. Look, if you really want him to get over this and get back to you, you gotta let him get out in the real world, and realize that he’s got no chance of scoring another woman. I don’t know him, but I think its obvious. Then he’ll be glad to have you back. But I still think he’s toxic considering how he has these other probs.
I duuno folks. Y’all seem to be giving the Rectum some fairly strong advice to take an irrevocable path on the basis of just a couple paragraphs. I don’t think there’s nearly enough known to justify offering such adamantine opinions.
Take him to a bar; buy him a hooker and some blow.
Let me give you another perspective on this, but if you don’t feel like wasting your time, then go ahead and skip ahead to the end where I give the exact same advice that everyone else has given (almost).
I’m not sure that this guy is pathetic as everyone else makes him out to be. No doubt, he is pathetic. Living at home at 30 where his mother still dominates his life demonstrates this. But he is apparently getting over it. He went out on the internet and found you, didn’t he? He can find another. And he wants another. And if you marry him, 99.5% chance that at some point, an opportunity, or 95% chance, several opportunities for him to cheat on you will present themselves. Given that he has told you that he still wants to experience being with other women, I promise you that he will take these opportunities. If you don’t mind him fucking or having an affair with or even falling in love with five other women before he dies (and likely leaving you for the latter situations), then you go right ahead. If you won’t tolerate this, then don’t marry him or even continue the relationship.
As I see it, simply wanting to be with other people is a perfectly valid reason to break off a relationship. Perhaps he’s just testing you to see if you are willing to accept an open relationship, and if you’re not, then perhaps he’s considering ending it with you. 30 isn’t that old, and he can still go sow some oats if he wants to, and you will not be able to stop him.
Dump him right now if you aren’t able to separate yourself from wanting to marry him. If you genuinely enjoy your relationship right now, go ahead and continue on becuase you’re young and you don’t need to get married and you should have fun if you want to, but don’t do it thinking that you’ve trapped him. Frankly, you seem to be showing a fair bit of neediness yourself and I don’t think you’re able to do this, so,
Ok, PrehensileRectum, I’m also with a guy who, though older than me, hadn’t had a girlfriend before. He also still lived with his mom. So I don’t think those things on their own necessarily foretell doom.
But my boyfriend was 19 at the time, not 28.
And he wanted to move out as soon as he could afford to. (And did!)
And he did his share of dishes, laundry, and cooking and contributed to the rent, grocery, heat, and electric bills.
And he had hobbies and did things.
And when I asked him once if he regretted not having been with anyone else, he pointed out that people HAD offered to get him hookers before he met me - that his lack of experience had been an issue of QUALITY, not availability.
Until he’s willing to move out on his own, or at the very least do his share of cooking, cleaning, and paying household expenses, and until he’s able to do something other than “stay in his bedroom doing nothing, like always” unless someone drags him out, he is NOT ready for a serious relationship.
(my emphasis)
You’re kidding yourself! You do have problems with the relationship for all the reasons you’ve just mentioned. They’re not just his issues, they’re yours as well!
Let me be another to add my agreement with everyone else - this does not appear to be a healthy relationship.
I’d recommend you sever ties with each other, have some space. Then, if he grows up and realises he actually loves you and you’re “it”, he’ll come back. If he doesn’t, it’s not meant to be.
Another “older” woman here, and my first reaction, upon reading of your situation (especially the “lives with mom” bidness) was also “RUN! Run for the hills! DON’T look back!”
I’ve had enough crappy relationships that I can smell them through the ethernet, dear. Despite what some of the younger, more “optimistic” folks have said, there ain’t nuthin’ new under the sun when it comes to human relationships…they’re all variations on a few old themes. Yours reminds me of many others.
You may think you’re happy with him, but please trust me: if/when you end up in the healthy relationship that you owe to yourself to find, you will think back to this guy and go “wow! what was I thinking? I had no idea what a good relationship is.”
Adding my voice to the chorus, and hon, I’m the goddess of love, I think I know of what I speak.
Seriously–it’s gonna be really, really hard, but you have to get out of there now and not look back. He’s not the guy for you. Stay friends, stay in touch, but know that ultimately you deserve way better than this.
He’s not ready to be in a long-term relationship. It’s as simple as that. Even if he is willing to ignore this feelings in order to stay with you, you shouldn’t be. You don’t want to be with someone who feels this way. His feelings are not going to go away – he’s always going to wonder and yearn. Maybe he’ll cheat on you or maybe he’ll just be quietly unhappy, but either way you’ll both be better off if you chalk this one up to bad timing and move on.
Mama’s boys don’t deserve to have girlfriends. There’s a time to learn what it takes, and once that’s past, you should stop wanting what everybody else has and realize what a fuck-up you’ve made of your sad existence. No second chances. Especially not when another person’s happiness is involved. This guy is not normal, and he should realize that there are consequences for not doing what everybody else does when everybody else does it.
Oh, dear, I don’t want to make you feel badly about your relationship when you say you love this guy, prehensile, but it has a few warning lights blinking. I’m glad to hear he’s going into therapy. My best advice to you is, like others have said, don’t do anything permanent with this guy (kids, marriage, name tattoos, etc.) I would say you will probably date him for three years, then you will get tired of his act and move on a little wiser about what you do and don’t want in a man.
By the way, how many sexual partners you’ve had is nobody’s business but your own once you hit “one.”
I had an engagement that was called off by Mama. After I’d bought a dress, even. And she wouldn’t say why, only that she didn’t approve and his parents wouldn’t be at the wedding. That was the end of that.
Be very careful. Mama’s boys can break your heart, bad, and not even seem to realize how screwed up the whole situation is. I don’t think he realized how weird it is to call off your wedding because of your parents when you’re in your early 40s…
Well, if you’re not going to take any of the good advice that’s been offered, why not take some bad advice: Call his mother and see if you can share his room.