Tell Me Your “Florida Man” stories

Previous Dopers have called “Florida Man” “the worst superhero ever”. But is it fair? This amusing article takes an objective look at Florida Men - trying to get alligators drunk, faking an emergency to get a 911 ride to Hooters and the sort of rambunctious shenanigans I think many of us did in our halcyon days…

Well, there were those maskholes in Target a while back…

For me, the quintessential (sad) story is the Florida Woman that burned down the fifth-oldest tree in the world while smoking meth inside of it.

To be fair, about 1/3 of them involve alljgators. Rarely involved in qualifying “Ohio man” stories.

TL; DR. Article discusses Florida Men who:

  • called 911 after kitten refused strip club entry
  • chews off face of homeless man
  • fights drag queen with tiki torch
  • trapped in unlocked closet for two days
  • eaten by alligator, hiding after botched B&E
  • caught leaving grocer, full rack of rib in pants
  • claimed 3 syringes in rectum weren’t his
  • filmed self in dog costume humping husky
  • bitten, trying to get alligator drunk
  • tried to evade arrest by doing cartwheels

Must be some way to get alligators to breed further north.

NO! That evolutionary arms race is how we get Florida Men in the first place!

Governor Florida Man hires COVID denier as data analyst.

Here of course is a website dedicated to these “speshul critters”:

And of course there’s a female version as well. Ignore the boilerplate on some pages including the home page; clearly this is a very high quality website befitting the high quality characters showcased here:

Years ago I was on vacation in Florida taking an Everglades airboat tour.

The boat operator / tour guide stopped the boat at one point and started throwing chunks of bread into the water, explaining that he was attracting a species of non-native aquarium fish that were dumped into the Everglades when their owners didn’t want them anymore, and now they are abundant (don’t remember the exact species offhand). He was trying to get an alligator to appear, attracted by an easy meal provided by the swarm of fish.

So the water is boiling with dozens of fish eating the bread, and this very drunk redneck-looking guy is leaning way out of the boat, sticking his arm in the middle of the swarm of fish. The boat operator said “sir, please stop-- if an alligator shows up you could easily lose your arm”. The woman he was with was saying “honey, don’t!” and he said “but ah want a couple o’ them fish fer mah aquarium!”

Yeah, he could have been an out of state tourist like me, but I like to think it was a gen-you-ine Florida Man moment. Honorary Florida Man at least.

I met many Florida Teenagers who probably turned into Florida Men if they lived long enough. One needed the fire department to get him freed after trying to force himself through a chain link fence with just a few links cut. He got himself impaled front and back from the wires, and of course he was trying to break into a country club to steal liquor. Others include guy who fell off roof while drunk, and guy who ran into police car speeding away after vandalizing a home.

Mentioning “Florida teenagers” reminded me of another story: I was on vacation in Florida another time (my sister moved down there with her husband, so I’ve made many trips to visit over the years). I was visiting a mangrove swamp that was a State or National Park with my sister (Biscayne National Park?). We rented a canoe to explore the mangrove swamp. The rental guy said “watch out for snakes and alligators”. Uh, okay, we sure will! :astonished:

We were paddling past a landing area / picnic spot in the park, and a group of teenagers showed up and started yelling obscenities and sexual things about my sister. So we quickly paddled away from there and they started throwing rocks at us. Fortunately we got out of range in time, plus their aim was very bad. We also saw them throw rocks at several other canoers who paddled by. It occurred to me that Florida teenagers were more dangerous than any native snakes or alligators.

I was in Florida visiting someone a few years ago. They took me to a park (called a spring, as it seems many parks in Florida are called). I was told to look “out there” to see alligators. So, I walked over to a bridge railing and looked waaay out in the distance. At some point I glanced directly downward and nearly shat myself. There was a huge gator just six feet down from where I was standing.

Some local family’s kids ran over and immediately climbed over the railing to taunt/throw garbage at the alligator while their parents chatted, unperturbed. Every “Florida Man” was once a “Florida Kid”.

But due to the 'gators, the swamps, the snakes, the spiders, and the drivers, the converse is not true.

Good thing or we’d have even more of 'em. Florida Men that is. :wink:

But the ones who do survive the gauntlet growing up are very hardy creatures. :eek: I just realized: we’re selectively breeding better Florida Men! Run away! Run away!

Sadly, Florida Man was mauled to death by a pack of stray dogs in the Panhandle.

Think he’ll be back?

When we lived in the Jacksonville metro area, there was a particularly oppressive heat wave, so heat-related stories dominated the local evening news. One night they interviewed a roofer who explained how it was especially hot doing his job because he was closer to the sun than those of us on the ground. Because 93 million miles minus 30 feet… um, sure… :roll_eyes:

If you’ve ever worked black molten tar on a black roof on a summer day, you’ll know it’s a LOT hotter than down on the ground. With precious little shade.

OTOH, the 93MM less 30 feet thing? Priceless.

Sounds more tragic than funny. How’d the man contribute to his demise?

I don’t doubt roofing work is just this side of Hades. But I about choked when that particular Florida Man declared the reason it was so hot up there!

Good stuff. Here’s the thread mentioned in the OP: Florida Man, the worst superhero ever