This one cracked me up. 
Thank you!
Congratulations? You made someone uncomfortable and you’re happy or proud enough to pst about it?
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
I read this one, with some slight changes, years ago.
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store & thought, “That’s what I need - a new suit.”
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck.” Again, Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!”
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?” Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see … 9-1/2 E.” Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!”
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure.” The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see… size 36.”
Joe laughed. “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, "You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
I was having lunch with Charles Manson when he turned to me and asked, “is it cold in here or am a crazy?”
Q. How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
A. On a blind date.
Q. Why are Helen Keller’s pants legs yellow?
A. Her dog is blind too.
Q. How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?
A. She was trying to read the waffle iron.
The version I like best:
The judge tells Mickey: “I’m sorry, you can’t divorce Minnie because she’s insane.”
Mickey: "I didn’t say she was insane, I said she was … "
(I do the actual Mickey voice.)
People laughed when I told them I was going to become a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
One joke that couldn’t get past the Saturday Night Live censors: If Helen Keller was alone in the forest and fell, would she make a sound?
Spinks, Woods, and Bryant walk into a sports bar. Bartender looks at them and says “Leon and Tiger and Bear, oh my!”
This one came from a comic book, so it’s mostly a visual joke. Still, it works great, as long as you make the faces right.
A woman answers the door of her house, and finds a strange there. “I’m sorry, Ma’am”, he says, but I ran over a cat, and I think it’s yours. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
She says, “Well, first, let’s be certain that it was my cat. What did it look like?”
(Man/joke teller makes face and hand positions as if he’s something dead that just got run over)
“No, no,” she tells him. “What did it look like before you ran over it?”
(Man/joke teller holds hands outward and makes face of terror, as if a speeding car is bearing down on him.)
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
A baby seal walks into a club.
Did you hear about the two radio antennae who got married?
The ceremony was fine, but the reception was great.
What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts.
A Harp seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What will you have?” The seal replies, “Anything but a Canadian Club.”
This one is much better told in person due to the word play:
Why is an elephant like a Timex watch.
They both come in quartz
I can’t tell the jokes because they’re too dirty…but here are the punchlines:
Joke #1: “Besides, I’m not going to mess with any son-of-a-bitch that can eat that much ice cream.”
Joke #2: “Because ol’ Wong; he don’t go for that shit, either!”
Joke #3: “Who can fuck in weather like this?”
I know someone out there knows these jokes and the ‘gentleman’ who told them.
That was one of the jokes my step-grandpa told me when I was a kid. He was the perfect guy to tell it to kids, too. A disgusting man who chewed 9 tins of Copenhagen a day and wore a red plaid cap with ear flaps down. He had emphysema so he always breathed like he was making an obscene phone call.
I don’t get it.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to SUCK MY DICK.