You all remember the Mirror Universe on Star Trek, right? Spock had a beard, Kira was a predatory bisexual sadist, and Kirk was even more of a sexual harasser than normal?
Good. Because today I’d like you folks to tell me about the Mirror Universe of yourself and your fellow Dopers. Does he have a goatee? Does she like boys instead of girls, or wolves instead of hamsters? What was his childhood like, and what are her career ambitions? You can talk about your own alternate or those of other Dopers – but, if you’re going to do the latter, let’s keep it out of the Pit, all right?
I guess I should begin. Skald-Prime is always clean-shaven, rather than alternating between having a hairless pate & chin and being as shaggy as Mufasa. He’s a warm fellow, loving and emotionally expressive who sometimes writes Petrachan sonnets praising unicorns and sunsets. He’s suffered greatly under the despotic rule of His Imperial Majesty (god-king of the Dynastic Hegemony of America) and recently has joined a coalition to overthrow the empire and establish justice and harmony in the land.
Actually I spoke in the wrong tense above. Skald-Prime died in early '04 while the captive of a tribe of statuesque blond Amazons, who wanted him to father their next generation and so forced him to impregnate all 2453 of them. He failed in his mission but died smiling.
Bizarro Waverly is a great peacemaker. He suffers fools gladly. He is especially kind to dogmatic political partisans and perpetuators of urban legends. Despite his sweet and affectionate personality, he is loath to flirt with those he finds attractive. He’s probably asexual anyway.
Love-Bizarro is am obsessive gym rat. Never read a book in his life. Disturbingly cruel, abusive, and sadistic. Not a kind bone in his body. Not a person anyone wants to meet, ever. Hates any kind of entertainment that has the slightest bit of intellectual promise (favorite movie: The Core. Especially with a chain showing of all the Saw films). Massively naive and credulous.
Snappy dresser, though.
Oh, and he’s about to hide in Love-Prime’s closet…I can hear Prime on the steps now…
Bizarro Cake is a relentlessly perky, helpful do-gooder, often to be seen wearing loose-fitting Laura Ashley-style dresses and Mary Janes while helping out at the local pre-school or church function. She adores the color pink, collects Barbies and teddy bears, and owns half a dozen Thomas Kinkade paintings.
Her home is spotless, which she maintains by three hours of daily cleaning and a strict no-pets policy. She last had carnal relations with her husband in the early ‘90’s. The only books she owns are her Bible and 15 Harlequin Romance novels. In the dead of night sometimes, she fantasizes about how great it must be to have Katie Holmes’ perfect life with Tom, but she always feels dirty about it in the morning.
Mirror Der Trihs is known as Red Shirt, as he dips it in the blood of his enemies. He’s a motercycle riding, steroid taking illiterate Jesus Freak who roams the Confederate States of America killing anyone who seems insufficiently Christian. Then, he soaks his shirt in their blood to keep it fresh, and cuts out his victim’s heart and eats it on the spot.
He also blasts with his shogun any computer he sees, and burns any book, as they are the tools of the devil. Despising his parents, they were the first he killed.
Bizzaro Shagnasty never met a person that he didn’t like. He is known for sitting for hours listening to people speak about the most inane subjects and respects that their viewpoint is as valid as any other even if they don’t have the education or capability to understand the subject on some levels. The Bizaaro Shagnasty family lives in a diverse inner-city neighborhood by choice just to be surrounded by the sounds and smells of diversity all the time. He believes that the love of money and competitiveness are the roots of all evil and shuns their very existence. He loves the fact that his job delivering newspapers gives him time to devote to various bleeding heart causes during the day. Even if the results don’t turn out as well as expected, the thoughts come from a good place and that is all that matters.
Mirror-Lumpy (his online handle is “Captain Cocksmith”) is known and feared as “Psycho Mike”, who took his first life at the age of seven and is currently keeping one step ahead of the law following the massacre of a SWAT team that tried to apprehend him. He earns money by machine-gunning crowds of protesters and then taking money under the table from corporate interests grateful to have the protesters off their backs. (Occasionally he machine-guns a crowd of protesters for free simply because he doesn’t like them). He shares his outlaw lifestyle with a harem of six bisexual women whom he helped escape from prison. His emblem, prominently displayed on the body armor he frequently wears, is a confederate flag with the arms twisted into a swastika. He also wears a fur cape made from the pelt of a police dog that a cop was once unwise enough to sic on him. The only time he was ever caught and put on trial his defense consisted simply of addressing the jury and saying “If you vote to convict me, after I escape I’ll kill you and your familes”. The result was a hung jury.
The Opposite Of Sunspace is a playa. He drives his Cadillac Escalade (the one with the 22-inch chrome wheels with spinners) around town after dark, hitting all the ‘best’ clubs, in continual search of the bounciest silicone, tightest buns, and bottled-blondest hair.
In his spare time between seductions, The Opposite Of Sunspace writes a popular advice column on the Don Juan Forums, dictating it to his assistant, because he disdains the use of computers.
His job? PR, of the weasliest variety. He’ll spin his message for anyone, and he makes good money at it from dozens of grateful corporations and government ministries. A post as assistant communications director for a prominent politician seems assured in the near future.
Derleth-plus-overbar is an accomplished public speaker with charisma coming out his coiffed, perfect hairdo and a wonderful body. However, he thinks angst is a German wine and cannot stand to be alone for any length of time. He’d never think of walking for hours with only a Walkman to keep him company. He fundamentally cannot understand why some people spend more time thinking than preening.
He thinks all of our problems could be solved by a strong government, but he never really thinks much about politics at all. He’d rather someone else just tell him what message to sell and let him get on with the good things in life: Smoking, drinking, and carousing with random bubble heads like himself. He thinks a ‘job control language’ is Spanish and believes C is something to weasel his way out of.
He’s also known as Roland and he never has to worry about keeping his head down.
avaN would have gotten an MBA in marketing, only she was busy shagging the TAs and convincing them to fail other girls in the class. She’s a ruthless cunt, a superb saleswoman who cares about nothing but the kill. The only thing she enjoys more than making a zillion bucks on the black market sales of weapons is destroying marriages. Her collection of broken hearts is just stumping, dear, and supported by the private masseur/breathing dildo, the personal trainer and personal stylist. She renews her whole closet twice a year and owns houses (can’t call them homes) in six countries.
UnrealityChuck is clean shaven, with short, dark hair and votes Republican. He’s made millions and has never read a book since graduating college, never goes to movies, hates musicals and theater and is gay.
The Other Subway Prophet accurately predicts when the late trains are late, and by how much.
His face is clean-shaven and he sports long locks of red hair, but you can’t see any of it because he’s still wearing the hooded robe of the founder of the Holy Order of Subterranean Prognosticators, a multinational Home Shopping Network fan club with more than ten million paying members.
He has also listened to, and greatly enjoyed, whole broadcast seasons of Prarie Home Companion, and regularly goes backyard pool-hopping with Condoleeza Rice.
Mirror-DeVena is a thin, blond, stay-at-home wife who keeps a perfectly clean house, actually enjoys exercising, and has no thoughts that aren’t pre-approved by DeHusband or her pastor.
**Iccirac **works in the bursar’s office of a really crappy community college and is just biding her time till retirement. She loves babies and votes republican all the time. She thinks game-type threads are the bee’s knees and gets all openly insulted when people don’t respond to her posts.
Anti-Anne is a domestic goddess- her house is spotless (partly because she doesn’t own any books or have any pets), and she’s very much into decorative crafts projects. She wants to be a stay-at-home mom some day.
She is a morning person- she wakes up early every day with a smile on her face and a song in her heart. She loves short winter days when the sun sets before she leaves work. She loves Survivor, and hates the History Channel. She hates coffee, wine, beer, and cheese, and loves working out and driving. She is up to her eyebrows in debt, partly because she has a fancy new luxury SUV, a plasma TV, and an expensive stereo system.
She loves dating, but only guys with big muscles and no chest or back hair, and NO GEEKS. Oh, and she won’t date men who don’t have prestigious jobs and nice cars. She’s not at all interested in settling down or getting married, because it’s so much fun to date two or three different men every week. She loves talking about her sexual experiences with all of them in detail with her women friends.
She has her all-time dream job- working for H&R Block, doing people’s taxes. She does her own taxes on January 1 every year, because she enjoys it too much to put it off. She wears a suit with a short, tight-fitting skirt to work every day, and wears lots of makeup and has an elaborate hairstyle. She bothers the IT people at her work with all kinds of ID10T problems, because she is afraid of computers.
She is strongly pro-life and anti-gay-marriage, votes Republican when she can be bothered to vote (not often), and thinks atheists can’t be trusted. She has never been outside the US, and has no interest in ever going to any other country, because the US must be better than those other countries.
