Texas: myths dispelled

In My Humble Opinion
1

Howdy. I’m going to take time out of my life to try to educate some of you northerners who are confused about the Only State Worth Living In.

First of all, I will sum up much of the Texas flavor with an analogy.

The South = Dukes of Hazard
Texas = Tommy Lee Jones + John Wayne

Texas is one of the few states where you can start in the middle and literally drive for 8-10 hours in the direction of the nearest border and still be in the state you started in. Montana doesn’t make that list because people drive about 110 mph when not in the city.

First Myth: Houston Roaches

-Myth: Houston has roaches that can reach 4 feet long, and are capable of devouring pets and small children.
-Truth: While Houston roaches are indeed impressive, none have been recorded exeeding 2 feet long. They can pose a threat to small pets like housecats, but a dog should be able to fight one off.

Just kidding. Houston roaches are a little bigger than most roaches. They’re usually a couple of inches long. They’re not as easy to scare, though.

I will be taking questions from here on out. I’ll probably check once or twice a day.

2

Not only aren’t you going to sell any northerners, but your smart remark has alienated southerners. That leaves you out on the range all by yourself. :stuck_out_tongue:

3

So, here’s a question:

How much of the Texas bravado do you attribute to an inferiority complex? :smiley:

4

I think you’ll find there are already quite a few Texans here.

Texas is a big state and Houston does have roaches, but where you got:

I can’t imagine.

5

Despite all the warnings, I wanna “mess with Texas”.

What am I in for?

:smiley:

6

Well, if you must mess with Texas, you could start by fixing the public education and justice systems.

7

Texas spawned the Bush family. That in itself is reason to question its environmental (and moral) quality.

8

As soon as I fix Georgia, I’m there. :smiley:

9

Ooh, please don’t lump John Wayne in with Texas. Ohio or California, maybe, but not Texas.

10

I’m sure you’re right but all my exs live in Texas.

I have a question: Is it generally true that Texans have a chip on their shoulders relating to the secession? Is there a lot more state-related pride in Texas than other states? If so, why do you think so?

11

I don’t think it’s generally true that Texans have a chip on their shoulder about the war of northern aggression. (ha ha just a little joke) There does seem to be more state related pride in Texas then most other states. Texas, California, and New York seem to be pretty strong in the state pride are to me.

Marc

12

There is something of a “lunatic fringe” in Texas which considers the state to be an independent nation (courtesy of the Mexican War) currently occupied by the USA.

13

Myth: Texans believe that they don’t drive over the speed limit like Montanans.
Fact: Worst bunch of speedaholics in the country.

Yeah, right, Montana doesn’t count.

How about California? Just because it’s longest North-South doesn’t make it a breeze going from end to end.

(Furthermore: at least in those states the scenery changes. More specifically, they have scenery.)

14

Texas myth: All Texans carry handguns.
Truth: If it doesn’t match my purse, I leave it at home.

Texas myth: All Texan drivers are insane psychopaths, who will run your ass off the road if you look at them sideways.
Truth: Nonsense! It’s more like 90% of Texas drivers.

Texas myth: Texans don’t debate about the death penalty.
Truth: As it happens, there is considerable debate about the voltage one should use.

Texas myth: All Texans wear cowboy hats.
Truth: Only when we’re in the saddle… :wink:

15

As a southerner for the past 20 years, I take exception to the ‘dukes of hazzard’ equation;
as a person who was born in and grew up in Texas, I gotta say that the ‘tommy lee and John Wayne’ comparison hits pretty damn close to the mark.

And, yes, I grew up in Houston, and yes, our roaches can kick your roaches’ collective asses. We put bells on the biggest ones just so we know where they are.

Native Houstonians are also aware that Houston has the worst heat and humidity of any location in the nation–that’s why the air conditioning is so great. Why the Allen bros. founded Houston in a god-forsaken, mosquito infested, just too far from the coast to get the ocean breeze location is one of the world’s unsolved mysteries.

And yes, Texans demonstrate more regional pride and (perhaps ill-founded) braggadoccio than the citizens of any other state, though South Carolina (where I now live) is a close second, taking pride in being the first state to secede from the Union in order to protect slavery.
True story:
Three cowboys were out late one night, talking by the fire.
The one from Oklahoma told a story about how big the bull was that he has to wrestle down and brand.
The one from Colorado hastened to explain the cattle stampede he averted with his deft riding and lasso skills.
The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

16

Not really. Though Dubya was raised in Texas (born in Connecticut), the first of the clan to be born here are his daughters.

17

Now that’s just silly. I’ve never run anyone off the road. Nor have I ever seen any of my fellow Texans run anyone off the road.

The worst I’ve done to particularly annoying drivers is to let off a burst of warning tracers with the .50-cal, maybe ventilate a tire if I was feeling particularly peevish.

“Running folks off the road”… hmmph… :rolleyes:

18

You poor, poor fools.

I used the analogy to quickly explain to the northerners among you that Texas does not mean redneck. (half of Texas does, but not the rest of us)

Next, the Bush family is not originally from Texas (W has been here long enough to adapt). And dear ol’ George is smarter than most of you, so shut the hell up. Multiple masters degrees do not come easy, and his family did not donate to the school.

Thirdly, Texans see the speed limit as a suggestion. If you are in the fast lane, and you do not move over when someone wants to pass you, you are an idiot, and deserve whatever you get. Especially considering that odds are about 50:50 that the guy who wants to pass has a 12 gauge handy.

Alright, next point. John Wayne is not Californian. Believe me. I was born there, I visit my family there regularly, and the majority of Califonians are [Cartman mode] Goddamn dirty tree-huggin’ hippies! [/Cartman mode] And any real American will agree that John Wayne is no hippy.

If you had stopped to think for a moment, you may have realized that I was refering to John Wayne’s personality, i.e. stoic and good natured until someone starts something. Same with Tommy Lee Jones. I don’t know where he’s from, but it might as well be Texas.

Next. If Texas were it’s own country, our economy would be in the top 5 (even competing against the rest of you). We are completely self-suffiecient, and even export much of our resources to the rest of the US. We sold power to Califonia when you pricks couldn’t figure out how to run a state right. We sell oil to the rest of you, though we are moving out of oil and into electronics (Michael Dell lives here, and has for as long as I can remember).

Next. The guy in the white cowboy hat always wins.

Next. If you think the scenery doesn’t change, you’re more ignorant that I thought. One half of Texas looks like Florida, and the other looks like Arizona. The panhandle (north part, Yankee) is a little mountainous. I’ve only been as far north as Lubbock, so I can’t speak for the whole panhandle, but I know we got snow yesterday. It was mostly melted by 5 PM, but we got enough for me to make a snowman, and nail my roomie with a snowball.

And Houston was founded to prove how tough we are.

As for the chip on the shoulder, Texans are pretty good natured, but we will not hesitate to whoop your ass if you start something. But we’ll buy you a beer the next day, so it’s all right. We won’t kick your ass just for liking a different team, but we might if you won’t shut up about it.

Over half of the people here own at least one gun (mostly hunting rifles), but only about a third carry a gun. Gun racks in the truck don’t count. Rifle ranges will have ladies’ night, so firearms are definitely not limited to the men.

And when I say “South,” I mean states like Georgia, Alabama, and Arkansas (hill-billy country). Arizona, Colorado, and that area is almost thought of as Texas’ little brothers.
This should about sum it up. My dad has a bumper-sticker that says “I wasn’t born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could.” We see the world like this: there’s Texas, and then there’s Not Texas. Texans stay here because we like the people. If you have a Texas license plate, your one of us. Unlike New England; my aunt moved there with her husband 15 years ago, and they’re still the “new folks.”

19

Correction: New England spawned the Bushes (Conn. I beleive), they just fed and bred here.

20

I almost forgot. Montana doesn’t count, because my dad managed to cross it, border-to-border, north to south in one day. He drove like his ass was on fire, but he did it. You really can’t do that in Texas, because, if you’re on Interstate 35, you run into Austin.

I will now discuss Austin, which isn’t really Texas:

Goddamn bunch of pricks. They’ve been working on a 5 mile strech of 183 for a few decades now. The rest of us want 'em to move to New York, where they’d fit in. They almost elected a homeless transvestite to mayor, for Christ’s sake.