That was a very UNCOOL thing to do to my kid, kid.

The BBQ Pit
21

(1) I don’t think it’s appropriate to call the girl a “whore,” zuma. Mistakes happen. She (and her boyfriend) made one, hopefully they’ll learn from it.

(2) kambuckta’s son is a good friend. It wasn’t his place (or kambuckta’s place) to tell the girl’s parents anything–it was her responsibility. If she felt that she couldn’t tell them, then that’s her problem.

(3) I don’t think it’s a good idea to throw an ultimatum like that around (pay up or else). If she didn’t try to find the money from somewhere else, maybe it’s because she was afraid. Maybe she asked the boyfriend and he turned her down. Maybe she was just grateful that someone who cares about her was willing to put up the money. Guaranteed she was afraid. Threatening her isn’t going to make things easier. Jimbo could ask her to pay him back over time. If she doesn’t, well, she’s lost a friend and he’s learned a valuable lesson.

(4) Unplanned pregnancy is scary. Abortion is even scarier. No matter how cool the girl’s parents might be, she certainly appears to have been too afraid to tell them. Her boyfriend seems either too scared or too much of a jerk to help out. Your son is a cool kid. He helped out someone who was feeling alone and afraid. I don’t know if it’s right to punish her for feeling that way. Sure, he should ask her to pay him back over time and she should. But threatening someone who’s just been through a really scary time seems pretty low to me.

22

(bolding mine)

So. He offered to pay and now you are mad? He offered!
Your son is 18. It was his money… of which HE volunteered to give.
I can understand that you are upset, etc, but in regards to the money, you have no right to butt in. Your son is an adult now and needs to handle this on his own.

23

arg! I ment to oly bold this part:

“However, I just found out from my darling son that the reason she had come here this morning was that HE had offered to help her pay for the operation”

24

The girl had a fucking abortion, and you are going to keep that from her parents? It’s not like she broke a fancy vase and you lent her the money so her parents wouldn’t get mad at her. Repeat, she had an abortion. What if there were medical complications? The parents need to know, they need to know now, this situation has to be brought to their attention.

Worse, you’re going to keep this above her head?

And you think I’m the bad guy?

25

What CeeJay and Iteki said.

As a means of finding out that your boyfriend is no damn good, it sucks, but no reason to blame her.

No, I would not advocate telling the parents.

Yes, it is his money and this is how he chose to spend it. And kudos to him for doing so. (Although depending on how he feels about it, this may be a means of finding out that you shouldn’t offer help you aren’t really able to conveniently supply)

If I were kambuckta I’d tide the boy over financially, assuming he’s got a cash flow problem and/or would accept it, but he (kambuckta) isn’t obligated, depending on how he feels about it.

26

World Eater? All I’m trying to get across is that blackmail or something like that ISN’T what I’m trying to achieve. Right now, things are all mixed up and everyone’s emotions are all over the shop. As much as it seems as though Kambuckta is directly involved, she isn’t really, is she? Except insofar as she knows the details and who coughed up the money etc, and the girls parents don’t. What I’m trying to get across is that perhaps the young girl has decided for very good reasons not to let her parents know right now. Perhaps not. But ultimately, holding the young girl blackmail just to make sure she pays back Kambuckta’s son isn’t exactly the best way to go about things, as far as I can see.

The young girl should have the right to inform her parents free of pressure in my opinion. If she chooses not to, and chooses to make further silly decisions, I think Kambuckta is entitled in the future to bring the matter up with the girl’s parents. But not now. That’s the girl’s right I reckon.

27

What is this crap? Are you still breaking jaws or not? Human jaws aren’t “fancy vases” you know.

Why would you as a parent need to know? So you could break your daughter’s jaw? Her boyfriends jaw? Her friend’s jaw? Her friend’s mother’s jaw? (which is what kambuckta is in this situation - the girl’s friend’s mother).

28

Makes sense.

29

Maybe the girl couldn’t go to the parents for reasons you don’t know about.

Maybe(it seems very likely) the father’s a prick of the highest order.

Your son stood by his friend. When I was your sons age I had one or two really close friends who were girls. If they came to me and I could help them I would have even if it left me broke for a week or two.

Throw your son a few quid to get by and be proud of him.

Telling the girls family will stick you in the middle of potentially very nasty situation. If the girl is 18 as well it’s up to her who she tells not you.

Friendship isn’t always easy.

30

First off, hopefully the child is raised in a healthy loving environment where they would feel comfortable speaking with their parents. I hope to raise a child in such an environment.

My problem isn’t with my kid not telling me, it’s with the other parent not telling me. More specifically, with the parent coming up to me a year later, and spilling the beans because my kid didn’t pay some “hush” money. There certainly would be some type of fracturing involved, that’s all I can say.

By the way I wouldn’t mention it to my child that I knew, I just feel that a parent alerting another parent would be the appropriate thing to do. If my child had some sort of fiduciary obligation they weren’t meeting, I would want to know, so I could be active in resolving the situation, not to break jaws.

31

If the girl wanted to tell her parents, she would have.

If she is over 18, she is responsible for her actions.

Part of me beleives that Kambucta’s Son should hit her up for the money to be paid back, because if I were in her situation, and someone stood up for me ( which hasn’t ever happened in my life.) I would pay them back as soon as possible.

Another part of me, from the son’s point of view, would feel very uncomfortable asking for payment because of the *Friends Help Friends Any Way They Can * mentality. Some help physically, others spiritually, some financially, others intellectually. That’s what friends do, compliment us and strengthen our weaknesses. And it would seem kind of tacky.

Then I am further conflicted because I am a firm beleive of *Never fight over money * What is more important? If she truly did use him (who knows, maybe she will pay him back some way in the future and not necessarily in monetary fashion) her selfish actions will surface again and Kambucta’s Son will learn his lesson and move on.

This I can bet the farm on: this girl will never forget the support of Kambucta’s Son during this time in her life.

We here in the Dope Community don’t know exactly every detail and nuance. It is also extremely very hard to be in Kambucta’s position of watching her son do the right and decent thing while possibly be taken for a ride.

The hardest part about being older is the cynical side of us and knowing what will happen before the entire thing starts off and the hardest part of that is watching the trainwreck as it happens and then the aftermath.

The hardest part of watching our kids grow is watching them go through the mistakes that we as adults know how to avoid. It is natural to want to protect our children but it isn’t possible, as it makes them defenseless when they are alone or after we are gone. Such is the sick little game called life.

But, whomever the girlfriend told, she probably trusted to keep a confidence. To run and tell her parents betrays that confidence ( unless it is a life threatening situation-drugs, abuse- which really, this isn’t.) When or if she is ready to tell her parents she will. It is her decision to tell them, not anyone elses for whatever motive and to betray that confidence is unforgiveable.

If any of this is cohesive, it is by pure coincidence.

Kambucta be proud of your son for being a stand up kind of guy. You’ve done well. The rest is up to him.

32

World Eater-

As long as the girl is of age down-under, it’s none of kambuckta’s business to inform ANYBODY of the termination. Get off it, really. She didn’t say that the 2 families are close, or hang out, she has identified the girl as just a friend of her son.

I see no need to get the parents involved.

Sam

33

Although no one cares and everyone is going to jump on me, I don’t think your son did the best thing. Abortion is not a good thing.

Although, I’m not sure I wouldn’a wanted the momma to ever touch that baby after giving birth. She sounds like slime.

34

Niiiiiiiiiice. So since you think “abortion is not a good thing”, it makes her “slime”?

Fuck off. :rolleyes:

Sam

35

A girl gets pregnant. Doesn’t tell her parents and it sounds like doesn’t get much help from the father so goes to a friend for help with the decision she has made. This makes her “slime”?

Lovely.

36

Just because abortion is controversial, that does not mean it should be afforded any less confidentiality than any other medical procedure. Period.

The girl is of age. As for complications, thanks to the legality of abortion, if there had been any, she would have recieved good care from medical professionals.

37

The girl is 18. An adult. No need to tell the parents. And idiotic to threaten to tell later. Who cares if the other parent isn’t telling. The other parent is choosing not to get involved in an adult’s decisions.

Shoes on the other foot if the girl is 17. Simple as that.

38

Just wanted to clarify something for American Dopers. Kambuckta lives in the Australian state of Victoria, where the sexual age of consent for heterosexual and homosexual intercourse is 16 years of age.

Also, most abortion providers in Victoria only require parental consent or a formal psychological evaluation for procedures performed on girls under the age of 16. Some doctors in Victoria and elsewhere in Australia want parental consent or a psych consult for anyone under 18.

kung fu lola:

Unfortunately, Australia has no Roe v. Wade equivalent, and on-demand abortion is not officially legal in most Australian states. However, the law is written in a way that allows abortion whenever it is felt to be necessary for the health–including the mental health–of the mother.

The law has been interpreted liberally enough by legislators, the judiciary, and abortion providers that on-demand abortion is effectively a reality in nearly all cases. I know that if i were a woman seeking an abortion, i’d much rather do it in Australia than in the US, even though the process is completely legalized in the latter but not in the former.

Despite the effective availability of abortion in Australia, many women’s groups and health professionals in the country are still fighting to have the process completely and officially legalized.

39

Please ignore any incorrect assumptions I’m about to make, but I’d like to bring up a somewhat different angle on this.

My brother is a really nice guy–loyal, gentle, loves kids. Unfortunately, somewhere early on he fell into the trap of being the Really Nice Guy–and there is a certain type of woman who will take advantage of this. Free reliable babysitting, a shoulder to cry on, a father figure for the kids, financial help from time to time. No sex, of course, but that doesn’t preclude her extending the possibility of sex as a lure.

Unfortunately, my brother ending up marrying one of these. He made the mistake of thinking that he might actually get to be her husband, rather than just the permanent live-in babysitter and paycheck. It ended very badly two years later.

I don’t know if any of this applies to your son. The whole story just rang some bells with me.

40

Thanks for the clarification, mhendo. Does Australia have the same kind of ideas about confidentiality that we have in North America?

I find this delicious.

It’s safe to assume that this chickie’s abortion was administered by health professionals at a medical facility. Her parents have no more right to know about it than they do their next-door neighbour’s colonoscopy.