Yeah, I don’t like the ‘stay together for the kids’ thing either. What I meant was, it’s different for couples who’ve invested maybe 10 years and a house into their relationship, and couples who have been together for six months. A friend of mine was having trouble with his partner and he would talk to me a lot about it on the grounds of ‘well, relationships have to be worked at, you sometimes have to take the bad with the good’. My response to this reasoning has always been, ‘Um, not if you’ve only been together a short time - if he’s bugging you, leave.’
Again re the OP, everyone’s MMV, and I’m aware that some people could think I’m a flaky type who bails at the first sign of trouble, but I don’t think so. When I’m with someone, I’m with them 100%, heart and soul, and I value my space and independence way too much to think about sharing it/giving it up for someone who I’m not completely into. Of course I’ll occasionally bug him and he’ll occasionally bug me, but if it’s more than occasional, there are rows every few days or there’s something like a trust issue (like his having to know who I’m texting), I go. Life is too short.
I got out of a relationship after a 8 or 9 yr stint of serial monogamy. Happier than I’ve been in a long time. The relationships weren’t horrible, but I was tired of answering to people. Some of that is what relationships are about. Some other parts of it are just too much.
When you find someone else that is made happy by your doing what makes you happy, and you’re made happy by that person’s happy-doings, you know you’ve found your match. I never asked myself what an acceptable level of compromise was before, and that’s just now what I’m starting to learn. And only 13 years after I first discovered boobs! Does that put me ahead of the curve, or wayyy way behind it?
Being single and having no physical contact with the opposite sex sucks but it sucks a lot less than dealing with other people’s bullshit. I’ve got a note on my fridge that just says "is it really worth it? That goes for women as well as seconds.
Do what makes you feel happier about your life, that’s about all I can say.
True. However, on the relationship question, it’s the lesser of two evils for a lot of us. For me, life without women is bitterness, but life with women has always been agony, and at my age (41) I don’t see a satisfying resolution coming.
control-z, I’m reading about you-you-you. Get outside of yourself for a little while. Volunteer at a shelter; read to kids; get with a group to clean up a part of a highway. Then go home, shower, & go to bed. Repeat the above.
You feel you’re angry & hurting & needy. I get you. Others need you worse (see above suggestions). If you choose to follow my suggestion, let us know how it turns out. If not, please let us know…we care.
BOTH must be willing to realize that the other puts up with a lot of shit.
I think this is the crux of it. I do and have put up with a lot of shit in relationships, but I don’t mind that in itself as long as I’m not being taken for granted. I worked with homeless people for years, many of them decent but vulnerable people, and have enough of my own little foibiles to know that everyone has shit going on with them and that loving someone means putting up with that sometimes. But if a partner of mine expects me to put up with it, without acknowledging that I’m doing it or returning the favour when I need it, then I seethe, become resentful, and eventually walk.
I get you up until the “Love, Phil” part. Whatever.
I’m not angry. But yeah, you’re right, I am selfish in a lot of ways. I don’t wish anyone harm and I wish them the best, but I value “me” time. I think each of us is responsible for our own happiness and well-being. If you’re not happy with yourself then no one else will like you either.
What I’m referring to is long-term relationships I’ve seen where one partner does basically what they want and the other kisses their ass. Maybe they stay together for the kids, maybe it’s because the ass-kisser doesn’t want to be alone. Either way I don’t want to be on either side of that sort of relationship.
So … maybe fewer people do than you think. Keep two things in mind:
The public view of a relationship can differ a lot from the private reality (and if doesn’t, it damn well should; but I digress)
People like to present themselves to the public in defined roles; the Matyr or the Ballbuster, the Henpecked or the Lord of the Castle.
Often, these roles become the reality; but people have a way of using their roles to fulfill their own needs.
Now, I have seen plenty of abusive relationships. I’ve seen ‘happy’ marriages where I can run through check-list of Signs of Abuse before dessert is served; I’ve also seen brow-beaten spouses who manage to get everything they want, including complete control of the relationship (that truly creeps me out).
I’ve seen people who seethingly resent their partners spending anytime with friends; I’ve seen them resent partners who spend five nights out of seven with friends, but never mention this to the partner. I’ve also seen people who didn’t want to go out somewhere ‘blame’ it on their partner (who would have been perfectly happy at home alone with a good book).
I’ve also watched most of my associates struggle to craft an open, honest relationship between equals with shifting needs and priorities over a couple of decades.
I have to tell you, manipulation of existing roles is probably a lot easier.