Mondo Cane (1962) Think New Guinea’s weird? Let’s watch your neighbors…
Night of the Living Dead ~ Zombies attack isolated farmhouse, only survivor gets shot.
Dawn of the Dead ~ Let’s hide in this mall. Oh shit, bikers!
Day of the Dead ~ Military scientists study zombies, then hell breaks loose.
[sub]I’m still chuckling over “cowboys and imbeciles.” Brilliant![/sub]
The Usual Suspects: Now you see it, no you don’t, oops.
The Sixth Sense: I see dead people. I see you too.
Se7en: He who fights monsters must take care, Brad.
Fight Club: It disturbs me how much sense this makes.
First Blood: Sometimes nonintervention is the best course, okay chief?
The Ring: Little girls can be very very fucking scary.
Showgirls: Some writers get paid way too fucking much.
Heat: Great cast. Great story. Hire a good editor.
Snatch: Wallsagoodmovie, budferfucksake, yagaddaguynahbdykinfuckinunnerstan; sahayagunkeepemwatchin, hesamainkarkter, sanizjahbtho, goodonya, misterRitchie.
Strange Brew ~ Two hosers stumble onto mind control beer plot.
Up In Smoke ~ If someone yells “Cops!” don’t eat your stash.
Things Are Tough All Over ~ Two stoners deliver car, meet chicks, get baked.
Zapped ~ Whilst growing Super Weed, Chachi devlops psychic powers.
Boondock Saints - Veritas. Aequitas. Pennies on their eyes. Irish accents.
Back to the Future – Don’t ever, ever, ever use a time machine.
Back to the Future II – Seriously, don’t EVER use a time machine, okay?
Back to the Future III – Wait, never mind! You make your own future.
Bottle Rocket - Idiots rob bookstore, stay in motel, meet maid.
Rushmore - Rich guy and student are hot for teacher.
The Royal Tenenbaums - No one in Gene Hackman’s family likes him.
Pity it isn’t mine, I swiped it from the back of the DVD.
Kill Bill, Part 1: My God, what a huge piece of crap.
Time Bandits: Dwarven thiefs kidnap unhappy child, hilarity ensues forthwith.
Tremors: Kevin Bacon finds ass end of huge worm.
Donnie Darko: Giant rabbit disturbs boy crushed by airplane engine.
Pink Floyd’s The Wall: Small children singing in unison are extremely creepy.
Run Lola Run: Lola runs to save Manni over and over.
Requiem for a Dream: Addiction, pills, televison, heroin, great music, depressing stuff.
Star Wars: Luke whines, joins with Solo, loses Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Empire Strikes Back: Ewoks are related to Wookies? What the f*ck?
Return of the Jedi: Luke returns, love triumphs, the story finally ends.
Unbreakable: Man finds other man who can’t be hurt.
The Adventures of Baron Munchausen: He is known for always telling the truth.
Raiders of the Lost Ark – Indiana Jones finds Ark of Covenant. Nazis die.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom – Indiana Jones finds glowing stones. Indian slavemasters die.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade – Indiana Jones finds Grail. Sean Connery lives. Dangit.
Sliver – Sharon Stone gets naked. What else is new?
Boomerang – Player Eddie Murphy gets played. Mmmmm, Halle Berry.
Titanic – Forbidden love. At the end, boat sinks. Duh.
Memento – killer. wife’s for looks problem memory with Man
Chicago – Nationwide, male moviegoers appear sensitive to their dates.
Braveheart – Mel Gibson fights for Scotland’s future, “Freeeeedooom!,” mullets.
Jacob’s Ladder – Er, uh, ahhh, hmmmm. Well, ummm, uh. Huh?
Blue Crush – Beautiful women in bikinis. Who needs a plot?
The Hunt for Red October – Sub captain “switches sides.” Baldwin pursues. Homoeroticism abounds.
The Terminator ~ Time travelling robot tries to kill enemy’s mother.
**Terminator 2: Judgement Day[b/] ~ Arnie returns as the good guy, gets terminated.
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines ~ No paradox after all. Nuclear fireworks display. Pretty.
And a prediction:
Terminator 4: Rise of the Humans ~ Governator unavailable. Despite being best sequel, it tanks.
Always preview, or bad coding bites your ass.
The Stuntman - Peter O’Toole has extra balls, gives pair away.
After Hours - Kafka and Welles, distilled by Scorsese et al.
Dead Man - Reincarnated poets with guns just won’t play? Absurd!
Drugstore Cowboy - Hats on beds are a really bad idea.
Slap Shot - Violence sells. What will “next big thing” be?
PeeWee’s Big Adventure - The Bicycle Thief was kinda a downer, comparatively.
A Christmas Story - An air rifle? You’ll shoot your eye out!
It’s a Wonderful Life - Things look bad; still, they could be worse.
Miracle on 34th Street - Santa Claus lives and he’s working at Macy’s.
Silent Night, Deadly Night - Santa lives – and he’s gonna chop you good!
Predator ~ Alien hunter stalks mercenaries, takes skulls as prizes.
Predator 2 ~ Hunters return, this time in LA. Carnage ensues.
or
Bill Paxton dies in yet another sci-fi flick.
Another prediction:
Aliens vs Predator ~ Two wildly entertaining franchises, ruined by studio hacks.
The Thing ~ Alien shapeshifter attacks: You’ve gotta be fucking kidding.
Escape from NY ~ You don’t mess with Plissken. Call me Snake.
Escape from LA ~ Snake Plissken returns. Welcome to the human race.
Big Trouble in Little China ~ Egg Shan could kick Yoda’s wrinkled green butt.
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon – Swords and combs: easily lost, hard to regain.
Strange Brew: Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer. Beauty, eh?
Festen (The Celebration): Dad’s party uncovers abuse. Tie son to tree!
Kentucky Fried Movie - He infiltrated my fortress? Take him to Detroit!
Airplane! - Gags, Leslie Nielsen, jive, gags, and funny names.
Airplane! 2 - Liked the jokes in Airplane!? Hear them again.