Master & Commander - A dramatic storm scene ruined by red dots.
Twelve Angry Men - Secret racist on jury gets the silent treatment.
The Brain That Wouldn’t Die - She’s not a brain, and she does die.
Bad Taste - Vomit drinking aliens. Exploding sheep. What’s a plot?
Braindead - Mum’s a zombie. Don’t let the neighbours know!
Killer Klowns from Outer Space - Cheese. Lame effects.
Return of the Living Dead - George A. Romero will be displeased.
Return of the Living Dead 2 - More rehash. More zombies. Less intelligence.
Return of the Living Dead 3 - Less zombies. No entertainment. No humour.
Undead - Cop swears. Farmer backflips. Zombies die. Blood splatters.
Did you give up
on counting to eight? 
Hoosiers: Team from small school wins state basketball championship.
The Out-of-Towners (1970): Lemmon, Dennis take nightmare trip to Big Apple.
Diner: Don’t marry a girl unless she knows football!
American Graffiti: Everyone listens to Wolfman Jack; Suzanne Somers teases.
say anything: ‘in your eyes,’ need i say any more?
moulin rouge: let’s remake pop songs and induce seizures worldwide !!!
finding nemo: suddenly cartoons are cool again. phew! mine! mine!
Requiem for a Dream: Addiction’s triumph over the human spirit
That really is the appropriate summary, but it’s only 6 words. How about:
Addiction’s triumph over the human spirit - Lesbian Anal!
The Last Dragon ~ Soul brother like no other uses the force.
Enter the Dragon ~ Bruce Lee kicks everyone’s ass; some guys, twice.
Scarface - Pacino sells coke, kills people, then gets killed.
Easy Rider - Sell coke, drive across the country, get killed.
Fresh - Kid tricks coke dealers. They kill each other.
American Beauty (1999) - Look closer. Beauty of bag hurts. I rule!
The Big Lebowski - The Dude abides. Shut the fuck up, Donnie.
Lion in Winter :What family doesn’t have its ups and downs?
BTW, it’s on DVD now. Huzzah!
Bubba Ho-Tep - Old Elvis and black JFK fight evil mummy
Free Enterprise (1998) - sci-fi fans have women problems but meet Shatner
Office Space - office work is hell but Milton gets revenge
Secretary (2002) - masochistic girl meets sadistic lawyer and they play
Six-String Samurai - Buddy Holly with sword and guitar fights Death
Teenage Caveman (2001) - Larry Clark remakes Kids but in post-apocalyptic future
Reservoir Dogs - Mr. White’s psychotic; every other word is “fuck!”
OR “Why do I have to be Mr. Pink?”
From Dusk till Dawn - Best action/horror film ever. Clooney is hot.
Pulp Fiction - Chaotic, disparate stories all connect in the end.
Kill Bill Vol.1 - Why two parts? You tease! Uma kicks ass.
Jackie Brown - Annoying bitch gets capped, Foxy Pam gets rich!
This is Spinal Tap: Secret of Success? Amps go to Eleven.
This is Spinal Tap: Secret of their Success? Amps go to Eleven.
Network: Contemporary Shakespearian tragedy that lampoons network news divisions.
High Anxiety: Even the dry Alfred Hitchcock would have laughed.
Go: Christmas in L.A. & Vegas Generation X style.
Steam: Italian entrepreneur with inherited hamam briefly finds himself.
True Romance: Sex becomes love - with a violent, happy ending.
Starship Troopers: “It’s an evil planet. It’s a bug planet.”
Nine Queens: The Sting, Argentinean style. Stamps replace thoroughbreds.
Dirty Harry: A renegade SF cop’s brand of frontier justice.
Funny Games: Austrian thriller more disturbing than Zorn’s acid jazz.
The Rutles: A Beatles mockumentary. “All you need is cash”.
Covered Already:
Blazing Saddles: Hold out your hands, laugh off yer tush,
Se7ev: Vanity, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Wrath, Greed, Sloth. Amazing.
Jacob’s Ladder: Cinematic Twilight Zone episode unfaithful to the book.
Godfather: Copolla makes you a masterpiece you can’t refuse.
Aliens: On Jupiter’s moon, someone can hear you scream.
Pulp Fiction: Sensational lives, illusion and fate captured on celluloid.
LOTR: The Fellowship of the Ring ~ Hairy midgets set out to destroy evil bling-bling.
LOTR: The Two Towers ~ “Spread out! We’ll do more damage that way.”
LOTR: The Return of the King ~ Hobbits bow to no one. Ringbearer sets sail.
And the hopeful prediction:
The Hobbit (2006) ~ You thought the Smaug in LA was bad?
Contact: Jodie and Very Large Array find aliens, maybe…
My Cousin Vinnie: New York boys in hicksville equals a laugh riot.
Goodfellas: Mob. Guns. Drugs. Pasta. Long shots. Scorsese. Excellent.
I mean:
My Cousin Vinny: New York boys in hicksville- a laugh riot.
A Soldier’s Story: The guy you’re sure didn’t do it did.