The best laid plans. Warning! Long and whiney!

So, after much careful consideration, I decided to move out of state at the end of January. It seemed to be perfect timing, my lease was up, my son was going away to college, and my latest project at work would be completed. I’ve been wanting to move from here for ages, but felt it would be best to stay until my son graduated high school, which he’ll do on the 21st, rather than uproot him with only one semester left.

I’ve no family and few friends here, so the only reasons I’ve had to stay have been my son and my work. I can work just about anywhere, so that’s not really a valid reason to stay here, and with my son leaving, my job was just not worth sacrificing my happiness for.

Anyway, going by the assumption that life would work out as planned, we moved out of our apartment and into a hotel, where we’ve been staying the past few weeks. I gave plenty of notice at work, and have been working to get everything organized for my replacement, and I’ve been sending out resumes.

Now, with just over two weeks to go until my planned moving date (Jan. 29th) everything has come crashing down. I feel so overwhelmed that I can’t think straight. My son’s high school misplaced his SAT scores, so that they didn’t get sent out until mid-December. I do have to place some of the blame for this on my son’s shoulders, as he should have been responsible for checking to see that everything had been received. Anyway, his guidance counselor assured me that there would still be plenty of time for them to be processed. Wrong! Well, sort of, anyway.His application to a very expensive private university was reviewed and he was notified of his acceptance today, but his application to the public university is still under review. If accepted, he’ll be moving into the dorm on the 22nd. I can’t afford the tuition at the private school, as it’s over twice that of the public one, and I did tell him that at the time he applied.

Even if he does get accepted to the public university, the restriction I’ve been trying to have lifted from my stocks since November so that I can sell some to pay tuition still hasn’t been lifted. Everything is processed except that the lawyer for the firm handling the stock transfer hasn’t signed the paperwork, and since the office is just outside La Conchita, it looks as if it may be awhile until it can be. There have been a series of misunderstandings, miscommunications, and lost paperwork between both the investment company and myself and the investment company and the lawyer, but if the stock isn’t sold this week, I won’t be able to pay tuition anywhere and I’m frustrated. It seems as if the fates are working against me here.

Next problem: I had surgery done a few months ago, and since then have been having some problems, which both my dr. and I believed were a result of my lifting too much too soon. He told me he felt I’d need a second, minor surgery to correct this problem, and I knew it would entail a short hospital stay and a recuperation period, but wouldn’t really hinder my plans too much. I’d planned on having the surgery the week before I left, then driving to PA and spending a bit of time recuperating at my aunt’s before finishing my move. Anyway, went back to the doctor and during his exam, he noticed that while there was a definite problem from the previous surgery, there was somethign else going on that looked suspicious and performed a biopsy. Long story short, I’ve got to have a major abdominal surgery in the very near future. At first, I’d thought I’d have it done once I moved, keeping my health insurance through COPRA. Today, I talked to our plan benefit coordinator who informed me that if I have the surgery out of network, I’ll be responsible for .20(total reasonable cost - 150) + anything above what they deem reasonable cost. If I have it done in network, my out of pocket is only $400, out of network, it could exceed 30k. :eek: Guess I’m going to have it here after all. Not really a big deal, except that here I am, sitting in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere with my son possibly going away to college on the 22nd, and possibly not, facing a surgery which will render me unable to drive for 4 weeks or longer.

Tonight, I tried talking to my son, telling him that perhaps it’s not the end of the world if he doesn’t go to college this term. I’d actually much prefer he start in the fall, when everyone is new and in the process of making friends, as he’s a bit shy and I’m more than a bit worried about him being off on his own. I mentioned that I could certainly use his help if it doesn’t work out that he can go now and that moving out of the area for a few months (March or April until September) and then coming back in the fall would be an adventure. While he does understand that getting the restriction lifted on the stocks is out of my control, as is getting accepted by the public university, he was furious that I’d make him move with me. I won’t MAKE him move with me, but I do think it would be a good experience for him to actually have a job, either here or where I’m moving to, just to see what it’s like in the real world, and of course I’d much prefer he live with me than on his own, not that any job he could get here would begin to pay rent and living expenses.

I feel like a terrible mother for having everything up in the air the way it is. When I’d decided to move, I thought everything was so well planned out, but it’s all fallen apart and I feel like I don’t have control of anything. :frowning:

Oops, meant to ask if it’s unreasonable of me to expect my son to move with me if he doesn’t go away to college until fall term. I got to rambling so much I forgot all about what made me start the post in the first place. :smack:

My 2 cents:

First, to your question: No, it is not unreasonable to have your son move with you if he is not starting school at the end of this month. In fact, even if he could start this month, it sounds like you could sure use his help after the surgery, so it would be helpful to keep him close by. Sure, he has his own ideas on what he’d like to do, but you’re still his mom and it would not be unreasonable to have him abide by what would work best for you. Heck, you’re paying for his college (I am of the school where that isn’t necessarily a “given”. Many students have to figure out a way to pay their own way - as I did). The problem is that he is probably not mature enough to be putting your (both you and his) situation in perspective. Were he, say, 10 years older, looking at someone else’s similar situation, I’m sure he would come to the same conclusion (not unreasonable to have him move). But he’s likely tied up in his own world right now.
The other thing to consider is that he may not have to put off school all the way until the fall. Given that he’s just starting college, it is usually able to take at least some general ed. class during the summer. So it may be possible that he start college (whereever that ends up being) in the summer - which could also alleviate the stress of being overwhelmed during the fall session (less students in the summer).
One more option would be a community college (assuming there is a local one available). Remember that there’s a bunch of general ed. stuff he’ll need to take no matter where he goes. So though he may not be at the school he wants, at least he’ll A) be taking courses he’ll need to get out of the way anyway, and B) at least be in “college” so it’s not like he’s getting “behind”.

As to your situation in general, it sounds like you do need to step back and regroup. It sounds like the surgery is definitely going to require you to delay your move. I would be looking for a (maybe furnished) apartment for the interim. Having a place, even though temporary, will be better than living out of a hotel, I think. As much as you’re looking out for your son’s future, I think you need to be looking at your situation with the surgery. Being laid out will be no picnic, and having your son around (as a slave :wink: would certianly help. Not being able to drive is going to be a serious setback, and you’ll need all the help you can get. So I would be setting things up to take care of that situation first.

Next, the stock issue would appear to be delaying any possibility of your son attending that private school. So if that is where he really wants to go, you’ll have to wait until the stock thing is cleared up anyway. If he is accepted at the public university, then it is more a matter of just when he starts. Again, it need not be put off until the fall.

Looking forward to the time when you’ve recovered from the surgery, you could either move then. Or maybe hang out until your son starts school (which may be only a couple months at that point). You didn’t mention what you did for a living, but it might be possible to work for just a short period before you do move.
But if not, then if you decide to move at that point, it would certainly not be unreasonable to force your son to move with you (again, considering that it may only be for a couple months - not half a year). He may balk, but I would not consider this to be unreasonable in the least.

Hope this helps.

Relax, take a deep breath, and know that you’re not a terrible mother. Paying his whole way through college? That’s a huge gift that my (and a lot of other people’s) parents couldn’t possibly give me. Make sure sonny understands how lucky he is.

So, you have three problems:

  1. Surgery
  2. Moving
  3. Sonny’s edumacation.

The surgery sounds like it’s a done deal. You’ll get the surgery, you’ll recuperate, then you’ll get on with your life.

Moving sounds like it’s up in the air, but wherever you’re moving to isn’t going anywhere. It’ll still be there if you move in a month or two.

Sonny’s education - it sounds like you’re taking on a lot of his responsibility. If he’s a high school grad, he’s old enough to start taking some responsibility for his own life, making his own decisions, and making sure that things happen like people say they will.

His schools aren’t going anywhere, either. If he doesn’t get in now, he can go in fall. Sooner is probably better, but it’s not the end of the world.