FADE FROM BLACK:
Interior of Coldfire’s newly rebuilt estate. Coldfire sits behind his massive desk, softly stroking his pet cat, jarbabyj. Standing before the desk is a very nervous Jester
Jester:
I believe in the Straight Dope Message Board. The SDMB has made my fortune. And I posted to the SDMB in the correct fashion. I make sure my posts never dishonor her family. I started a thread a while ago. It was a good thread…raised properly, with intelligent insight. My thread was hacked, by someone not of the SDMB. They made my thread drink whiskey. And then they tried to take advantage of it. My posts resisted. It kept it’s honor. So they hacked her, like an animal. When I came back to my thread, it was partially deleted. I wept. Why did I weep? That thread was the light of my life – a beautiful idea. Now it is gone, it will never be beautiful again.
[Jester breaks down. The Don gestures to David B. to give Jester a drink]
Sorry…
[Jester, taking the drink, sips from the shot glass]
I – I went to my ISP, like a good American. The hackers were never caught, never brought to trial. They went free that very day! I stood in the homepage like a fool. And those bastards,
they taunted me. Then I said to my wife, “for justice, we must go to Don Coldfire.”
Coldfire:
Why did you go to the ISP? Why didn’t you come to me first?
Jester
What do you want of me? Tell me anything. But do what I beg you to do.
Coldfire:
What is that?
[Jester gets up to whisper his request into Don Coldfire’s ear]
That I cannot do.
Jester:
I’ll give you anything you ask.
Coldfire
We’ve known each other many years, but this is the first time you came to me for moderating, for counsel, for help. I can’t remember the last time that you invited me to your virtual house for a post party, even though my wife is godmother to your only child. But let’s be frank here: you
never wanted my friendship. And uh, you were afraid to be in my debt.
Jester
I didn’t want to get into trouble.
Coldfire
I understand. You found paradise at the SDMB, had a good trade, made a good living, made people laugh… Your ISP protected you; and there were courts of law. And you didn’t need a friend of me. But, uh, now you come to me and you say – “Don Coldfire give me justice.” – But you don’t ask with respect. You don’t offer friendship. You don’t even think to call me BOARDFATHER. Instead, you come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married, and on the day of the DOPEFEST, and you uh ask me to do murder, for money.
Jester
I ask you for justice.
Coldfire
That is not justice; your thread is still alive.
Jester
Then they can suffer then, make them partially deleted.
(then)
How much shall I pay you?
Coldfire (stands, turning his back toward Jester)
Jester… Jester… What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? Had
you come to me in friendship, then this scum that ruined your thread would be suffering
this very day. And that by chance if an honest man such as yourself should make enemies,
then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you.
Jester
Be my friend –
(then, after bowing and the Don shrugs)
– Boardfather?
Coldfire (after Jester kisses his hand)
Good.
(then)
Some day, and that day may never come, I’ll call upon you to do a service for me. But uh,
until that day – accept this justice as a gift on DOPEFEST and my daughter’s wedding day.
Jester (as he leaves the room)
Grazie, Boardfather.
Coldfire
Prego.
(then, to** manhattan**, after Jester leaves the room)
Ah, give this to ah, Gaudere. I want reliable people; people that aren’t gonna be carried
away. I’m mean, we’re not murderers, despite of what this undertaker says.
To be Continued…
