The Bread Spread Thread

In My Humble Opinion
1

Anthracite was kind enough to send me a bottle of Salad Cream and a jar of “Heintz Salad Spread” after a discussion of Salad Cream vs the dreaded “Miracle” Whip (the only miracle is that they’re still selling the vomitous mass).

Therefore, I am going to do the ultimate bread-spread-thread. What spreads go on what sammiches.

As always, my opinions are right, if you agree with me, you’re a witty, insightful poster, if you disagree with me, you’re wrong, or just trying to be argumentative.

Just so’s we’re clear! :wink:

Butter: Butter is a joy on breads, but frankly doesn’t play well with most others. Butter by itself is swell, it’s also swell with jelly or grilled cheese. Th’ problem with butter is that it’s so rich and good that it’s too much for most sammiches.

Margarine: The only place margarine belongs is on a weird varient of a roast beef sammich that my grandpa used to make and I got addicted to. Slices of rare roast beast, sprinkled lightly with salt, shaved onions, lettuce between two margarined slices of bread…heaven. Butter’s just too rich for this sammich. The margarine adds a semi-butter flavor but not as strong. And it keeps the bread from sogging up with the roast beast juices.

Mustard. Ham. 'nuff said. The perfect match. Mustard can also go with roast beast or turkey, but I think that mustard is too powerful for the poultry and clashes with the roast beast. Gulden’s (SP) spicy brown mustard is best for most hams, but every once in a while, I’ll revert back to childhood and have a ham’n’cheese sammich with French’s neon yellow mustard, (and crushed potato chips on the bread too). Also hot dogs require mustard. I think it’s a law.

Mayo: Real mayo. Home made (it’s not that hard) or Hellman’s/Best Foods. < anything >-salad. Tuna salad, egg-salad, chicken salad. Especially egg salad. Mayo also goes well with poultry. (Thin slices of turkey or chicken, tomato, avacado, lettuce, red onion…yum. Bologna and Mayo was my kid brother’s favorite sammich. The thought makes me gag. Mustard with bologna all the way! And BLTs. You can’t have a BLT without Mayo. It’s a crime against nature. And speaking of crimes against nature…

“Miracle” Whip- (I’m putting the word “miracle” in quotes 'cause miracles are supposed to be good.) For you Brits, “Miracle” Whip is…um…ever had Cool-Whip? It’s a fake non-dairy Whipped Cream? “Miracle” Whip is like what would happen if you left Cool-Whip out in the sun for a day or so. It’s rancid and sweet at the same time. It’s a lot like your Salad Cream, but sweeter and gooey-er. The poor unfortunates who like “Miracle” Whip always say it’s “tangier” than Mayo. By “tangy” they mean “rancid” and vinegary and sweet. Eeewwww. It’s fit for nothing…Although I imagine that you could use it as spackle to fill in cracks in the sidewalk. This stuff is Satan’s Jizz. Really. I mean the people at Kraft hire Satan to ejaculate and then they bottle it. Fact! You don’t see it disproven on Snopes do you? Then it MUST be true!

Salad Cream: I don’t know what you’d use it for, but it’s usable. For Merkins who haven’t tasted the stuff, it’s like an edible version of “Miracle” Whip. Less sweet and gooey. It’s sweeter and more vinegary than mayo but not so much that it’s inedible…maybe with poultry. I think it’d actually go well with tuna. Certainly not with hard-cooked eggs. And I have no idea why it’s called “Salad” Cream as the thought of pouring it over lettuce is nauseating.

Heinz Sandwich Spread: #1) it looks scary, #2) it’s not as bad as it looks. It’s a jar of what amounts to coleslaw made with salad cream. It’s still too sweet for a lot of sammiches, but I think it’d be good with a smoked meat: smoked chicken for example with it would be excellent.

Ketchup; #1 Only Heintz will do. Kuner’s(sp) is too sweet. It’s tomato-y sugar water. #2) Hamburgers. Occasionally reverting to childhood and having it on turkey or roast beast sammiches. As a kid I put Ketchup on almost everything. Now, not so much. Although the one thing that Ketchup MUST go on is a leftover meatloaf sammich. Anyone who doesn’t think so is a Communist! :eek:

Peanut Butter: Crunchy/Chunky doesn’t matter. What matters is: is it real peanut butter or marshmallow fluff-flavored peanut butter? If it has sugar as one of the top three ingredients, why not just put Marshmallow fluff on your bread? For me, if the peanut oil doesn’t have to be stirred back in every time you use the stuff, it’s not real peanut butter, it’s ice-cream topping. As for the perfect PB&J sammich, I prefer the strawberry more than any ordinary jam. I’m a “Citizens for strawberry jam” fan! (oblig. Simon and Garfunkle reference)

Bacon Grease: Did you know that at one point (early turn of the century), bacon grease was an extremely popular spread? Yeah. The white fatty congealed stuf used to be spread on toast like butter. Frankly, I’m sure it would probably taste good (frankly, put a hard fried egg on it and it’d be great) but just the thought of it has caused my heart to stop.

Horseradish: Roast Beef. Really. Yum. Also ham.

Relish: Can’t stand the stuff, so I dunno.

Tartar Sauce: In place of Mayo with fried fish sammiches. Bookbinder’s is the best brand but it’s apparently hard to find.

Marmite and Vegimite: People eat this stuff? It’s shoe-polish. It tastes like shoe-polish smells like. Eeewww…

Opinions?

Fenris

2

Sandwich spreads-

Mom used to put a couple of sliced tomatoes, Velveeta cheese, and bacon on top of wonder bread and then drizzle the left over bacon fat on top. This would go into the oven untill the cheese was gooey. I can’t believe we lapped this up.

As a child I liked to make my own sandwiches out of sour grass, dirt, a maple leaf, and smashed yew berries. No lie. I have since been told that the little red berries are poisonous but I must’ve be immune to that spread’s venom.

Philadelphia cream cheese is often just as good as mayo or mustard. I’m thinking of a slice of thuringer with dill pickles and cream cheese on pumpernickle - deeelicious.

Mayo and cucumbers are a good mix. I second the mayo and left over meatloaf.

I agree that margarine and miracle whip are both disgusting. But even more gagifying is that fluffer-nutter marshmallow gunk.

Seedless raspberry jam beats plain old strawberry any day. Oily peanut butter is foul; I don’t care if it is healthier. No matter how you try to carefully mix it the oil always slops out of the jar. Ugh, you may as well just drink dirty olive oil. That reminds me, I don’t like sprinkling olive oil on bread either.

Butter is only good on toast and not a lot of it. One of my brothers used to eat sticks of butter right from the fridge to make me cringe so I’m not a big butter fan.

People in the Netherlands tried to sell me on Nutella but I held firm. No sweet stuff on bread except jam. Jelly and honey are too slimey.

3

Vegemite on buttered toast.

num num

:stuck_out_tongue:

4

I’m gonna come right out and say it (but not before donning my asbestos Underoos):

I LOVE MIRACLE WHIP!

:: ducks the flamethrowers ::

Butter: we buy it only because it’s a cardinal sin to put margarine on REAL bread. Margarine is OK for other things, but not that.

Bacon grease: Mr. S’s dad used to put it on his pancakes. Yucko. Now THAT’s disgusting.

Tartar sauce: The only thing to dip your French fries in. I never put ketchup on anything.

Dijonnaise: Great on deli roast beef.

5

I can’t afford butter all the time, so I’m okay with margarine (but only Imperial brand). I buy butter when I’m baking, because there really is a difference as to how it comes out.

On sandwiches? Margarine on scrambled egg sandwiches and leftover-fried-potato sandwiches (try it - it’s better than it sounds), mayonnaise (real mayonnaise, and yes, Best Foods is the best) on everything else. Except limburger, which you don’t really need a spread for.

PBJ - must be grape jelly! Same with creamcheese and jelly sandwiches. Fluffernutter - peanut butter and marshmallow cream = yum!

6

Tomato Sauce is a required ingredient on a chip butty. This is basically chips (or crisps) and sauce in bread of some description.

And a cheese sandwich demands Vegemite, at least in my household.

7

**

Honey mustard (either a good brand, such as Boar’s Head, or homemade) is perfect on a turkey or chicken breast sammich because of its mild, sweet flavor.

Margarine isn’t even allowed in my house.

8

My parents, God blees 'em, caused me to grow up eating both Mayo and Miracle Whip. But they knew when to use 'em.

They now allow as how they only use Miracle Whip in the summer when you pull tomatoes out of your garden and make you a squshy white bread tomato sandwich. For almost all other uses, only real good mayo is allowed. I concur.

Butter, unfortunately, in the US these days is simply bland. I grew up when you could tell which field the cows had been grazing in by how the butter tasted. That would indeed be wonderful spread by itself on bread.

Ketchup on a meatloaf sandwich? Er, uh, you’ll grow up eventually.

9

For poultry, mayo and Tabasco sauce.

10

I haven’t experienced Salad Cream, Heinz Sandwich Spread, Marmite or Vegemite, so I won’t comment on them.

My general rule of thumb is that adding sugar to a savory sauce is a Bad Thing. This despite the fact that I have a fairly strong sweet tooth. I think it’s a form of pandering to infantile tastes. I mean that literally - breast milk is sweet stuff! It could also compensate and disguise the blandness of mass-produced food.

And my Mom was raised in rural Texas during the depression. She used to eat bacon grease on toast. I bet it tastes better than it sounds. Fat equals flavor.

11

Sam: once you get over your foodsnobbery and learn to appreciate and savor food rather than be concerned with other’s opinions, you’ll realize that the only proper topping for a leftover-meatloaf sandwich is ketchup. (To be honest, a mix of ketchup, a dash of worstishire(sp) and a bit of brown sugar is better but…)

Fenris
(who’s kidding about the “foodsnobbery” stuff: it’s all a matter of taste)

12

I’m repeating myself from another thread, but mustard is really incomplete without its most perfect mate:

Pastrami. On rye bread. Maybe with kraut.

The Official Sandwich of New York City.

For ham, I’m more partial to European grainy mustards - but not dijon, which has more salt than mustard in it.

Roast beef requires horseradish - at least Tiger Sauce, which is sort of a creamy-horseradish affair, or pure jarred horseradish, preferably English. Brown mustard will substitute in a pinch.

I grew up on Miracle Whip…factoid: I recall seeing a map that purported to chart, by county, where Miracle Whip outsold Hellman’s/Best Foods mayonnaise, and where it didn’t. It was a simple line, roughly at the Mississippi, west of which Miracle Whip ruled. And I was born in Seattle.

After a few MW-free years, I tasted it when I was visiting my parents. My god is it dreadful - except for one use: fried-egg sandwiches. Toasted white bread, MW, lettuce, and over-easy egg. Lovely.

Oh, and one other use: the entirely petrochemical sandwich, comprising Home Pride Buttertop White (we never stooped to Wonder), 2 or 3 slices of Kraft American “Cheese,” and, of course, MW. It’s a childhood nostalgia thing. I’m really sorry.

Wait, I’m not sorry enough, actually, because I’m remembering that it came in an even ghastlier variation: for a really nasty exorcism of the inner child, I substitute jam - grape, strawberry, or seedless raspberry - for the Miracle Whip. It’s awful. But every couple of years, necessary.

Honey-mustard is an OK salad dressing, but I don’t like it on sandwiches.

Sandwich Spread: my grandfather, who’s 87, recalls a Depression-era job he had driving trucks for Kraft Foods. With hunger in his eyes, he recalls pulling in at three in the morning into the Texas factory where they made it. Oh, the smell was so good…especially to a man who knew so many fooks weren’t eating too good then.

Russian dressing: for Reubens, of course. Also good with turkey.

Although I’m not that big on turkey sandwiches, other than post-Thanksgiving. And for those, you really need stuffing and cranberry jelly, otherwise you might as well be eating it in July, and what would the point of that be?

Cold cuts also leave me…cold. I mean salami, bologna, that sort of thing. I’ll eat it if that’s all there is, I do respect the Italian hoagie tradition with oil and vinegar, but it’s a once-every-few-years thing. Probably less often than the American-cheese-and-jelly sammich.

And now I’m all hungry.:frowning:

13

Ooo, forgot about the meatloaf. Yes, ketchup’s absolutely key. A bit of mayo can work too, but not too much.

My grandmother used to put butter (or margarine) on almost every sandwich, which I could never stand. A leftover from the days when she worried that we weren’t getting enough calories. :smiley:

14

First off, Satan ought to be really offended by Fenris using his name and (gag) Miracle Whip in the same sentence. I firmly hold that Miracle Whip is on a par with ipecac. Produces the same results, in my particular view. My husband actually expects me to buy this ersatz, supposedly edible hair mousse but I’ve managed thus far to “forget” every time I go to the grocery store. After thirteen years he still hasn’t caught on.

I happen to like mustard, but I really love Grey Poupon, or even hot mustards. But…mustard on baloney?? This only proves you aren’t southern, Fenris. All us God’s Country renters eat mayo and baloney sammages. Mustard is just for ham. Let’s get that straight right about now, m’kay?

But you’re right about horseradish and relish. Yum and Yuck…respectively.

I like ketchup, mixed with Tobasco, on fries and other assorted potato fixin’s, but on a sandwich? I think not. That’s just gross. Unless it’s a hot dog, and those are horrors all by themselves.

And let’s not get into the abomination that is McDonald’s “Special Sauce” on the Big Macs. I hate Thousand Island dressing no matter what it’s called.

15

Nope. Sorry Silky: Other than “revert to childhood and reexperience the terrors”, Ketchup is absolutely necessary on a meatloaf sammich and is just dandy on a burger (though not necessary).

And while I agree that lots of people do it, the thought of mayo (or worse…“miracle” whip) on boloney is vomit-inducing. I’ll bet you use WONDER BREAD for 'em!!! :wink:

Fenris

16

Butter’s also good on a cheese sandwich (ungrilled, although grilled is fine, too). It’s just this side of too much, but the butter seems to add something to a good sharp cheese.

And by the way, I avoided mayo for most of my childhood just because I confused it with Miracle Whip and hated that stuff.

17

oxy said

Thanks for bringing that up. That, of course, is the second allowable use of MW. Of course, I only eat my fried egg sandwiches with a slice of tomato. That would allow for the MW.

18

Catsup is definitely necessary on a burger. I can’t say mayo is bad on a burger, but there should be another name for it so as not to confuse things. A burger with mayo is one of those every two year things for me.

What about bread? Turkey sandwiches should be on white bread and so should meatloaf. Ham should never be put between two pieces of white bread, unless there’s nothing else in the house.

19

Goose Fat

We would occasionally have goose when I was growing up; my Dad would pour all the fat which collected at the bottom of the roasting pan into a plastic bowl which sat in the refrigerator. Every few days he would take the bowl out and toast a slice or two of rye bread which would then be spread with a thin coating of the liquifying goose fat, then lightly sprinkled with salt.
I think he and I were the only ones that ate it, because the fat from a single goose would last about a month. It’s been thirty years since I’ve had it, for which my arteries are probably grateful.

20

Have none of you experienced the delectable, artery-clogging beauty that is fried bread? It necessitates the frying of at least a pound or so of bacon to get the desired amount of bacon fat, but when you’re done toss a couple of slices of bread in the pan and fry away. You’ll end up with bacon goodness soaked through the bread, crispy and slightly browned on the outside.
And only one person has mentioned Philadelphia Cream Cheese? I used to love rare roast beef on a toasted bagel with cream cheese, maybe with a couple slices of red onion on top.
And anyone for ketchup mixed with a lot of black pepper on fries? Or what a friend called “bloody spooge”: ketchup mixed with mayonnaise?