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Yet another brilliant series revived after a hiatus… with a few changes to the cast. Personally, I think Jessica Simpson will make a great River Tam, and Ray Romani’s Malcolm Reynolds has to be seen to be believed.
I wish my thesis was already completed, with excellent marks.
Granted. Your thesis is now completed. You wrote it last night in a drunken rage that you can barely recall, and then after printing it out you scribbled “excellent” in red crayon on every page.
Time to mail it off, light up a fat one, and sit back to wait for the results.
I wish I could tolerate people like the next poster.
Granted. The twitches start now.
I wish my ****ing neighbour would just ****ing die.
Your ****ing neighbour, the one who adds **** to things, is dead. Now, with no one to censor your fucking swearing you receive massive fines from the FCC.
I wish I had a blank harddrive which could store 1000 terabytes.
Granted. You get two such hard-drives. But the first can store 1000 TBs of ones, the second can store 1000 TBs of zeros. Bet you can’t wait to get started?
I wish I had a tail…
Done ! You are now a catgirl, and some tentacle monsters just moved in next door.
I wish I could fly.
Granted. But your wings are broken.
I wish I never had cancer.
Done. No cancer, ever. But I didn’t know quite how to pull it off, I’m just a genie, not an oncologist, so I did it the easy way, by stopping all cellular regeneration/duplication within your body. It’s not essential, is it ? It’s not like doing that will make your skin, organs and bones decay and/or slough off. I’m quite proud of myself. The Genie Union will give me an award for creative thinking, I’m sure.
I wish I had wit.
You are now witty. However, during the transformations, the speech center in your brain was impaired. Your are now completely unable to form sentences without the words “like”, “dude” and “ma[aaa]n.”
Like, dude, bummer, man.
I wish I was extraordinarily muscled.
Congratulations! You’ve been transformed into an American Pit Bull Terrier. Too bad there are breed bans in your area.
I wish I had a dinosaur friend.
Granted: but it’s tiny and poisonous and kills you, then eats you and dies because you’re poisonous to it.
I wish I had omniscience.
Granted. You now have the capacity to know everything, see everything, all at once, including how and when it will end for you and everyone you love. You cannot forget the terrors that you’ve seen coming, and you ultimately have no means of escape. You walk around a blubbering mess and no one will listen to you, until One day you freeze under a bridge. Shame on you, you should’ve seen it coming.
I wish to be happy in love.
You’re gloriously happy and deeply in love, but you feel guilty that your lover is a goat.
I wish I could be young again, with the wisdom I’ve got now.
Congratulations! You’re a fifteen-year-old basement nerd. Your D&D character has a very high Wisdom score - 17! (IIRC, the max was 18, so that’s likely higher than any wisdom you currently possess.) Too bad you’re… well, a fifteen-year-old basement nerd.
I wish I had X-ray vision!
You have x-ray vision, but unfortunately it gave you cancer of the eyeball.
I wish I could bounce really high without using a trampoline.
Now you can. Your body’s now made of a super bouncy material. Unfortunately, once you start bouncing, you can’t stop. You’ll keep on bouncing higher and higher. Say hello to the stratosphere for me.
I wish I could play the guitar.
Wish granted! You are now the world’s premier guitar player. You land stage and screen roles as a guitar and your acting performances are considered first-rate. No one plays a guitar better than you! Whether it is sitting quietly in a stand or laying broken on the ground, you are the best at playing a guitar. Someday you aspire to playing a violin or dare I say it, a piano.
I wish each misfortune that falls upon me was balanced with a greater fortune…
Granted, and your misfortune was death.
Luckily the next day it was discovered that you’re the last surviving heir of the Duke of America, and legal owner of all the land in North and South America. Too bad you’re already dead.
I wish I fart on command, for as long and as loud as I wanted.
Your wish is granted. You’re proud of your talents, but everyone has moved away from you, and you have no more friends.
I wish I craved healthy things and despised things that weren’t good for me.