You are now in love with Richard Simmons and want to be his buttmonkey. Meanwhile you hate so many dangerous/deadly/poisonous things that, when ol’ Richard isn’t riding you like a bucking bronco that is, you live your life in dread of all that you fear and loathe, and spend all day in your closet watching videos of your paramour, rocking back and forth.
I wish Barney the Dinosaur would eat Richard Simmons.
This is supposed to be ruin a wish. That was one of the benefits of my wish… actually, pretty much the only benefit.
Done, but barney absorbs all of Richard Simmons’ annoying qualities, starts a work out show and becomes amazingly popular, taking over almost every television station 24 hours a day, those that are not playing Barney Simmons all day play tributes to Richard Simmons and Barney the Dinosaur, extolling the virtues of this new found savior of all humanity.
Edit: I wish the universe was monochrome.
Done and done. The universe is now monochrome – green and well a very similar shade of green. Also, as a side-effect, there are a lot more of those giant basement centipedes. It sure would have been nice if everything wasn’t green, so we could see them and run away.
I wish to find the lost city of Atlantis…
Wish granted! However, the Atlantians don’t like strangers. They shoot down your submarine, and eat you for breakfast.
Here’s a tricky one: I wish for happiness and personal fulfilment.
Cave, you are instantly teleported to the long-lost sunken kingdom of Atlantis, three miles below the surface of the Atlantic. There it is - look fast! If only you’d asked for a submarine or breathing apparatus too! Glub glub.
Malleus, you didn’t say who you wanted happiness and fulfillment for, so I’ll gladly accept it. Sorry - you don’t get any.
I wish George Lucas had never even thought of Jar Jar Binks.
Well played Elendil.
Wish granted. Lucas never envisioned Jar Jar, but Spielberg did. And in an a-typical lack of restraint, included him in every movie. I hope you enjoyed Jar Jar Bink’s List as much as the rest of us!
I wish for happiness and fulfillment for myself…
Granted, but only in proportion to the amount of suffering you’re willing to directly inflict on your friends and family, and only while you’re inflicting it on them.
I wish for giant flat screen TV.
I just rolled over your medium-sized old-style tv with a steamroller. There.
I wish all fleas everywhere would die.
Done. Unfortunately, The Red Hot Chili Peppers had just picked you to star in their new video – a video that would soon launch your movie career and eventually a career in politics and international finance. But without any bass, the song sucked and your would-be career tanked. Sorry, please don’t shoot the messenger.
I wish everything I touched turned into doughnut…
Sadly, right after you got your desired power you felt the need to “touch yourself”, and well I need not say any more. Your wife says you’re much more delicious than before, FWIW.
I wish that we finally found out for sure what really happened to Jimmy Hoffa.
It turns out that Hoffa moved to Thailand, got a sex change, and came back to the States to start a new life as YOUR MOM. :eek:
Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
I wish that this paperclip on my desk was moved three inches to the left.
Congratulations! The paperclip is now in the three-inches-to-the-left-of-x position. You promptly forget until later tomorrow evening whence, after a heated meating with your superiour, you slam your fist into the desk and give doctors everywhere a fascinating perspective on the complicated and excessively painful fractures created by something as simple as a paperclip.
I wish I could substitute coffee for sleep on a one cup = 4 hours of sleep basis.
Wish granted! From now on, each cup of coffee is the same as 4 hours of sleep. Unfortunately, when a hot member of the appropriate sex offers to sleep with you, you misunderstand and buy them a soy latte. Things get worse from there.
I wish I was as skillful and as popular as Michael Jordan, except instead of basketball, my sport is milking cows.
Please tell me this is a misspelling. :eek:
CaveMike, your wish is granted, but you lose a fortune trying to set up the National Sport-Milking Association. To say nothing of your problems with PETA and the ASPCA.
I wish I could have a heated meating with Keira Knightley.
Granted. The American Nazi Party organizes a giant, open air BBQ as a platform for their speech. You go there for the free food, and spot Keira Knightley in the crowd, amidst a horde of bodyguards and screaming fans. You never even get close enough to figure out what the hell she’s doing here. Maybe she ran into another smartass genie ?
I wish Hitler had succeeded as a painter.
Granted.
His Aryan Master Race paintings inspired a little known governor named Hans Müller to to take over Germany, with an ideal with Aryan Purity.
Unfortunately, Hans Müller was a great tactician, and conquered all of Europe, slowly destroying European & American infrastructure and conquering most of the modern world, resulting in huge casualties, nearly 35% of the worlds population, due to chemical and radiological weapons.
Earth is for years and years devastated, nearly destroying Human Civilization, setting us back political and technologically centuries.
Edit: I wish for a beach front condo.
You get your condo, sure, but after a few days the Müller regime seizes it and converts it to a pillbox. It’s all part of our glorious Fatherland’s shoreline defenses against the long-anticipated invasion by Bolshevik amphibious forces. You have no objection, I presume, mein herr?
I wish to never have ill health again of any kind, for the rest of my 100-year-old lifespan.
You have a gorgeous new condo facing the beach. However, the back door opens out to an apocolyptic landscape and the side door to a black hole in space. You’ve tried to use only the front door, but friends, family, neighbors, and pets keep using the back and side doors, so now you’re pretty much all alone with your beach.
I wish I could teleport.
Of course you can teleport. Once. To the surface of the Sun.
I wish to never have ill health again of any kind, for the rest of my 100-year-old lifespan.
Your health is just fine. Other than extensive facial twitches.
I wish for fish.