The Diogenes Teleplay

The BBQ Pit
1

In reading this thread about the WGA strike, Diogenes claimed he could urinate a better script in the snow than some of what he’s seeing. Somehow this turns into a challenge to crank out an episode of House, M.D., presumably demonstrating that he can do just as good as (or better than) the actual writers.

Now, this isn’t much proof of anything, really. The Internet is chock full of Harry Potter fan fiction, and the mere existence of a script doesn’t prove the author can do it the way J. K. Rowling does it. However, I am willing to suspend any criteria for professionalism and give Diogenes considerable leeway provided he doesn’t descend into absolute rubbish. I want him to make good on the challenge for two reasons:

  1. Writing anything of considerable length is one of the principle challenges of writing. I would say my own writing has met no greater obstacle than simply not seeing anything through. I would commend Diogenes for completing a robust 50 page script (it seems that most of the google hits I get on teleplays put a shooting script at about one page per minute), and I think he would learn a lot about the challenges of writing a teleplay… how do you structure it? How do you plan it out? How do you guarantee each character their requisite screen time? Where do you put the commercial breaks?

  2. I think his script would be funny. While I doubt his ability to create believable dialogue between Chase and Cameron, he’d probably give House some good lines.

I created this thread so we can pester him to do it. Job and family or not, I think a mere one hour script is possible by the end of the year. It would only take about 200 words a day, which is about as much as one might put into a single longish post. THIS post is longer than that, and it hasn’t taken me more than 20 minutes.

To support the project, I’d highly encourage Dio to set up a blog on blogger.com. He could give us the link here, and then just focus on one post a day with about a page of script.

I think if he wants to really show he can do what the usual writers do, he’ll follow the formula pretty faithfully with the medical mystery and the problem solving and the medical mumbo jumbo. Don’t forget to include “Lupus” and “autoimmune” as possible explanations for the person’s condition but have those suggestions quickly shot down. There should also be some character/plot development along the general arc. If you haven’t been able to keep track of all the new characters, just set in last season.

For the record, I think Dio is fully capable of writing a teleplay if he really buckles down and learns a little bit about what’s required. However, if he never bothers with this project, he’s demonstrated he can’t do it. One of the most fundamental skills a writer has to have is to set and meet goals. Most start out not knowing if they’ll ever get paid, and many (most, in fact) have to write when they can around other jobs and commitments.

So, Dio… are you going to accept the challenge? If Dec 31 is too soon, what is realistic? Name a date. “When I get around to it,” is not acceptable. That’s the same thing as “never.”

2

I hope he does it, too, although I wonder if anyone in his original audience is going to give it the time of day, regardless of its quality. That challenge is impossible, considering how much hostility is aimed at him.

3

TV writers are vulnerable to extensive and immediate criticism. If Dio won’t write for fear of criticsm, it proves he’s not up to it. He lacks a fundamental quality that writers must have.

4

Heck, I’ll even give him a starting point:

*Scene 1: Interior, bathroom. We see House standing in his skivvies, fixing his steely gaze on himself in the mirror. He absent-mindedly picks his nose.

House: Bugs Bunny was pretty hot when he was cross-dressing.*

Go, Dio! :smiley:

5

That’s gonna take a lot of pisses.

6

I’ve never watched House, but I’d like to see the end product too. Maybe it’ll be decent and people will stop trying to nail Dio to the wall for daring to criticize TV writing. :stuck_out_tongue: I know he also went off about the writers’ strike, but he admitted pages ago that he didn’t know what he was talking about and corrected himself.

7

Hostility which, having read the thread in question, I find entirely warranted.

At any rate, I can’t see where the the criticism he’ll face will be any more harsh than the criticism which actual shows with rabid fanbases receive.

8

Maybe I’ll take up that challenge - but I haven’t seen Law and Order recently. And I could never distinguish between the female ADA’s: they all blurred together after a while. Plus, who’s going to be the new real DA? Did they announce that?

9

I’d work in as many SDMB and Cecil Adams references as possible.

House and his team are brainstorming around the easel. The patient has two symptoms. House and Cameron get into an argument about how one can’t have a list with two items on it. House adds “Hi, Opal!” to the list and disappears from the room to go find more cool drugs.

The patient is suspected of having particularly aggressive flesh-eating bacteria. How does House get rid of it? We won’t know until after the commercial break, but he does suggest nuking it from orbit, as that’s the only way to be sure.

It would also be nice if House called someone an asshat from time to time, but the kicker would be when House finally can’t figure out what the hell is going on, so he writes a letter to Cecil, who successfully diagnoses the disease and in doing so, inherits the title of “Best Antihero on Television. Period.”

10

Perhaps the fact that the only reason for writing it would be to have it torn apart by people who have absolutely no interest in giving it a fair shake, and are invested in finding any and every fault with it. I hope he does it, but this was a sucker’s bet from the start.

11

But…what song should we use for the closing credits?

12

You know, I think this is a pretty crappy accusation to level against the folks in that thread. You have absolutely no evidence to suggest that they are incapable of being objective, even if they don’t so much like the author’s attitude.

13

You’re right. No one with half a brain would’ve taken this bet and thought they’d do okay. Dio’s claim of great intelligence? Complete and utter bullshit.

14

Of course that could be a trap (not saying Dio will fall into it). Too many folks who try to write teleplays or screenplays get enamoured with a scene they have to have or some great line they want in there without considering how it relates to the story at hand.

15

This would not be stupid if any of my favorite writers were known for making good decisions in their lives.

16

So you’re saying you can’t see the hostility in the last four pages of that thread? Give me a break. Dio’s claims are over-the-top, but Elenfair and Cervaise in particular sounded like they’re aching for him to fail. He was a good sport to take the bet with judges like that.

17

I believe he has accepted the challenge. What he has not accepted were the parameters originally set. He is taking his sweet time to complete the project. I have offered to meet with him in Uptown Minneapolis to have a look at his finished screenplay, and a fellow screenwriter here on the SDMB will also give him notes. We will both have him rework his teleplay like he would be expected to if he were submitting it to a network, only not under the same time constraints (as he has already stated he cannot adhere to those conditions.)

Of course, I expect lots of moaning and groaning. What Diogenes fails to realize is just how much he doesn’t understand… for Diogenes is all knowing, all seeing, and all understanding. The man is a God, you know.

Why, just before the WGA strike, I was doing my job, polishing a script when a note came in that required me to take out an entire storyline (this isn’t even my script, folks, I’m a script doctor, a script editor, I write exposition dialog, I write for continuity, for character, for tone…) and rewrite a chunk of dialog because one actor wasn’t going to be available for half the scheduled shoot. That’s right – the brilliant story and the brilliant plot had to be altered because, well, that’s just the way the corporate cookie crumbled that week. Back to the drawing board, with 6 hours on the clock before someone got pissy…

Gangster Octopus: You’re quite right. Some people get stuck on The One Scene or The One Line… and often, that’s the one that gets cut for time. Great jokes often are throwaways. They fail to advance the plot, or they simply don’t fit in, and they’re the first to go. Hell, we’ve sat on some great ones for months before finding them a home. Some never made it. Never craft an episode around a scene. Craft an episode around a story. Craft an episode around relationships, around people, around concepts… but never around “a scene”. At least, not in that novice’s error sort of way.

Another major mistake is the focus on specific characters and leaving others to fall to the wayside, or using those characters as foils in all the wrong ways. It pisses off actors in a major way. Don’t misuse established characters to force the plot to advance. Plus, is also pisses off the fans.

Always beware the fan base, and be aware of where they stand. Ratings may seem like something you shouldn’t care about because this is your art after all, but your network executives sure do give a damn…

… and so on. I’ll get off my soapbox now…

E.

18

I don’t think that’s fair. I think his history here indicates an above average amount in my humble opinion.

19

We’re not aching for him to fail. We want him to be realistic, for once. Go and read other threads of his and have a look at other claims he makes. He also believes that he can best most of the world’s top chefs. It’s time someone challenges him and says “Fine! Do it! We’ll have a look!” and makes him stick to the challenge, no?

I’m actually about as fair and even handed a judge of these things as you’ll ever find. Under all my Evil Writer, Red Shirted facade, there’s a teacher, lurking… :wink:

Seriously. I don’t bite, and I’m not rabid. I don’t want him to fail miserably and look like a complete moron (trust me, he doesn’t need any help, sometimes). I’d like it if he actually picked up a little humility now and then, but hey, a girl can wish, right?

While I’m at it, world peace and a pony, and a shiny new contract where we can make 8 cents per DVD sold and something more than 0 cents per internet download!

20

Like I said, I don’t see much difference from the way actual television shows with rabid fanbases are viewed :smiley: