Bless you Ruby and Sarah for saying what I was thinking. This thread was getting so annoying it was affecting me physically. I don’t care if his daughter scrapped her knee or is getting a new heart. It’s plenty of reason to take a break from a dare made by a bunch of losers on the internet that have doomed him to failure from the get go. All the writers in this thread are making this about themselves anyways so what is his motivation anyways? If you guys are so desperate for an episode of House, I’ll fucking do it if it’ll make the self righteous squakers shut the fuck up.
Ladies and Gents, House, MD by Lobster Mobster
A college professor is teaching a class when he keels over and is bleeding from the eyeballs and shouting obscenties. A student tries to help him but gets punched in the face by the now seizing professor
Opening Credits
House: Okay we’ve got a 47 year old male bleeding from the eyeballs and punching people out. Let’s make a list of ideas that I am going to call stupid. You three run those tests while I verbally harass the patient until I find out what he’s lied about.
Foreman: It’s toxoplasmosis! I’m going to cut his head open and dig around with an ice cream scoop!
House: You are dumber than a box of kittens, GO DO IT!
Cameron: I think he’s depressed. I’m going to go get in bed and cuddle him.
House: You obviously have some serious ass issues. GO DO IT!
Chase: I’m also really really hot so I’m going to suggest vasculitits! I think I should give him a lumbar puncture for fun.
House: I hate you most of all. If I had a knife I would tear out your insides and make you eat them. GO DO IT!
team goes to perform tests. House takes a handful of vicodin and wanders off to spike Wilson’s coffee with sodium thiopentathol
Foreman: Okay we all performed our tests even though we are not lab technicians, surgeons, or particularly adept at cuddling. We were all wrong.
House: Duh, I knew that the whole time. You are all so useless it makes me want to set myself on fire. Clearly the patient has Superextra microscopic African bloody eyeballosis. There was an experimental treatment performed in the Ukraine where you give the patient LSD and take him to the aquarium until he flips out.
Cuddy walks in wearing a mini skirt, thigh high vinyl boots, and a leather corset
Cuddy: You can’t do that in my hospital! YOu have to take me seriously even though I’m super foxy and dress like a whore!
House: I’ll do it and you’ll just have to GROOVE ON IT. Everyone knows that medicine is 20% science, 80% hilarity. Now you march your luscious melons right out of my orifice.
Wilson (drugged and lurking in the background): BA-ZING!
House and team return from aquarium with fish souvenirs and shark fin hats
Cuddy: What happened to the patient! We’re going to be sued!
House: He died so we left him there. Oops. LOL. Don’t worry no one sues hot people.
Cuddy: Oh house you’re sooooo zaney!
everyone laughs…patient family weeps in background
End Scene.