Okay, so about a year ago, I found myself being insulted and mischaracterized… not over politics or social issues, but over how I prefer to consume entertainment. I realized that I was allowing others to get me worked up over daring to disagree with them about something so arbitrary.
As the thread in question mentioned books, it made me think of some book series that I had enjoyed in the past. I suddenly realized I could have a Kindle in my hands within 2 hours, and ever since then, I’ve greatly enjoyed having the time to catch up on some reading. Other things in my life have also been going quite well.
I’d stop by without logging in from time to time if I thought an xkcd strip would generate some interesting discussion, or to follow some breaking news items, and occasionally browse “latest” to see if there was any news I should know about, but for the most part, I had disengaged. Sometimes I’d visit the general aviation thread if I felt like hearing about planes.
I did make the mistake of occasionally reading into some of these threads. Not all that long ago, I saw a thread about a movie I saw promoted on Colbert. The movie looked really weird, and I didn’t know if I had any interest in watching it, but I was curious to see what it was all about.
The one thing that I did not get from that thread was what that movie was actually about.
And it seemed to be the case in nearly any thread that I thought was interesting. Inevitably, the misrepresentations and passive aggressive assertions would start to come out, ruining any possible positive outcome.
More recently, I happened to see a thread with a whole bunch of traffic that had even spawned a spin-off thread. “Man Bear Meme”? Must be hilarious to have that much interaction.
Well, I was not laughing.
Now, I get the whole meme. The world can be a scary place for women, and men seem threatening to them. I understand and empathize wholly. I’ve had a few times I felt my life was in danger and that was extremely unpleasant, and women feel that way much more often and more intensely than I do.
And if that’s the end of it, great, maybe we can all learn a little empathy. But it wasn’t the end of it, it was used as some sort of lesson for men. Now, there are two things that people refer to when they talk about lessons. The first is teaching someone something that will make them better at interacting with society, and the other is “teaching them a lesson” as a form of punishment. While it could be used in the former way, it was largely wielded in the latter way, and against those who did nothing to deserve punishment.
If a lesson does not contain useful information, then it is only meant as a way of lashing out. A natural question to ask, if you are a man confronted with the answer to this question, is “What did I do to frighten her?” And the answer is nothing. The next natural question to ask is “What can I do to be less threatening?” and the answer to that is also nothing.
So, an honest way to phrase this is to say that if a man comes upon a woman alone in the woods, they will have reason to be wary of him, and it’s not his fault, and there’s nothing he can do about it. That’s not extremely helpful, but at least it doesn’t leave the person feeling as though they have done something wrong. (Unless of course making people feel as though they have done something wrong is the whole point. It’s not, though, is it?)
What I think would actually get the point across more clearly would be a short video of a world of men and bears, and the men try to go about their day while being harassed by the bears, but #notallbears, of course.
There actually can be useful discussion about this subject, but if men are told that their only allowed contribution is to shut up and listen, then that’s not a useful discussion, that’s a “lesson”. Those who are a threat won’t listen, and those who are not a threat aren’t going to get anything out of it they didn’t get the first dozen times they have been taught this lesson.
I will also say that the phrase “Listen to women” is not only useless, it is also insulting to women as though they are a monolithic block that agree on what you should be listening to. They are individuals with different and often contradictory opinions on things. One will say that they go to the coffee shop in the hopes of sparking up a conversation, and others lament that they can’t read a book in a coffee shop without being bothered. What I have discovered is that listening to a woman yields excellent results, but that’s not what was being demanded. It is instead used as a bludgeon to assert that the person being targeted by it is ignoring women.
But, like the crack addict that I am, I followed the thread down the rabbit hole, becoming more and more frustrated by the intentional mischaracterizations and insults leveled at anyone foolish enough to voice an opinion or share personal experiences.
People spoke of the difference between “nice guys” and genuinely good people, where the former are only nice to those they want something from. I’ve spent most of my life in or adjacent to customer service, so I know this extremely well. I would say that someone who mocks others for their romantic failures, insults them for sharing their experiences, and saying that women are better off without them is not a good person, they are just someone who is careful to choose only the most vulnerable to prey upon. They are only as good as they need to be to get away with it. And, given the level of willful mischaraterization people are willing to make of the words right in front of them in order to put down some random person on the internet, I shudder to think of what kind of gaslighting goes on within their homes. Those are not good people, they are “nice guys”.
Comments like, “I learned what I needed to about the posters in this thread.” are also not useful, it’s just a passive aggressive assertion that is intended to cause harm. Those who contributed such gems of wisdom also are not really good people either.
I found myself typing up a response to the hateful and toxic comments in that thread. I was about to delete it and go about my day, when I thought, “Fuck it, I don’t care what these people think of me anymore, and it’s possible that some of my comments can go to slightly alleviating the damage done by those participating out of a desire to find vulnerabilities in others to hurt them.” I did make the mistake of coming back to it once, but I have not been back since. It’s not good for my mental or physical health.
We do indeed live in a world where charisma beats competence, smooth talk wins over sincerity, and honesty is just a way to make yourself vulnerable to malicious attacks. This is not just in romance, this is the world itself. It’s why a reality TV star can beat a policy wonk in a presidential race, how tik-tok misinforms people on medical decisions in a pandemic, or how a ex-reality TV star and ex-president may beat a policy wonk and successful president in a few months.
Communication is hard. Words are imperfect at conveying complex thoughts and ideas. There will always be room for interpretation. So, you have a choice of either choosing to interpret what others say in a favorable light, or choosing to assume the most nefarious and evil of motivations and interpret them in that fashion.
Admittedly, it does seem as though people get a lot more glee out of the latter, but I don’t think that it actually fosters useful communication. Quite the opposite in fact. But I get it, putting others down makes some people feel better about themselves. It’s harder to actually extend understanding, to assume that others are actual human beings like yourself, with their own battles to fight and their own concerns to worry over. Easier to just see a screen name and do your best to “beat” it, no matter the harm that comes to them or to you. No matter how you have to stretch and twist their words and make assertions to their character and intentions. Chances are, you agree with the person 95%, but you search for any difference and demonize them for it. The joke about the two baptists meeting on a bridge comes to mind.
But, you know what, it’s not fun. It may be fun to those who get enjoyment out of shitting on others, or watching people get shit on, but for those who don’t want to be shit on, it’s not fun at all, and for those who don’t want to watch people get shit on, it’s not much more. It’s unpleasant, tedious, and unhealthy.
Now, that said, there are a fair number of people on here that I still respect, a few nuggets of gold floating in the cesspool as it were, and a few that I would like to respect again that I believe could learn a lesson and become less hostile and toxic, but I’m not really invested in that anymore.
As I said in that thread, the only reason why I felt I could be speak up is because I didn’t care how my words would be twisted and mischaracterized, how my honesty would be weaponized, and my failures insulted. I’m fully aware that by voicing my thoughts on the topic, I painted a target on my back.
Social media doesn’t have to be toxic. It can be a positive sum game. People could come together to shoot the shit in a comfortable and relaxing atmosphere, where they don’t have to worry about how every word or phrase could be taken out of context to make the opposite point they are making, to villainize them or misrepresent them and make assertions as to their intents and mental states. They could assume that if someone didn’t understand them, they wouldn’t fill in the misunderstanding with the nastiest things they can imagine, but instead ask for actual clarification.
That’s how things work when I get together with friends. We aren’t all looking for a way to “win” the conversation, to prove someone else wrong or ourselves right, to create a wedge of disagreement where there already is mostly alignment. That’s not healthy. It’s bad for those who seek to play those games, and it’s bad for the victims of them as well. And it makes it unpleasant for anyone who doesn’t enjoy watching people get bullied for having a different opinion or experience.
I see that this community has chosen a different path. It doesn’t have to, it could choose to be better.
Anyway, the next book in the series I am reading comes out on Monday, and I’m falling behind in rereading the series in anticipation for it. I was allowing my irritation at what some assholes said on the internet to prevent myself from enjoying it, so it was a bit cathartic to get this off my chest. Now I can go back to much more enjoyable and productive things.
I assume my words here will be twisted, but I don’t mind. You do what you need to do to make yourself feel better.
Good luck.
