Some friends of mine are splitting up. She found out he’s been having an affair with a mutual friend of theirs since she was pregnant with their second child. The child is now almost two. This is the second couple I’ve been good friends with that have divorced because of an affair by the husband. I’m sad.
It’s weird being close to a situation like this. Everyone seems to come down on his side, or her side (although in this situation, even “his” friends have so far been very supportive of her). It makes you take stock of your own marriage. I went to pick my husband up from work today. Before I’d had a chance to tell him what happened, he said, “It makes me so happy to see you sitting there, waiting for me.” I’m so glad he said that, because it gave me a such a secure feeling after the bad news had shaken me so much. I was also proud of him because he called her himself to let her know that, even though her husband was someone he grew up with and he’s been good friends with, he and I will be there for her and help her in any way we can. He wanted her to hear it from him personally so that she wouldn’t have any doubt where he stood.
And that’s another thing. What do you do for someone whose heart is broken and whose life is, for now, completely devastated? She has two small children to take care of and she’s always been a stay at home mom. Luckily, she has a really close family. I don’t know. I feel awful for her and for the kids. I can’t imagine what it’s been like for her, lying in bed at night, without her husband there.
I sympathize. Last spring, as a romance I was in was starting to turn from dating to a romance, the marriage of two of my closest friends was ending. No adultery was involved – they were in an open marriage, although that leaves a lot unsaid – but basically she apparently chose to believe a bunch of truly vile lies spread about her husband. As I said, both of them were close friends, but I was closer to him. I stayed in touch with him on the phone almost daily and, when she gave him an ultimatum he could not comply with, it was my couch he wound up on when he moved back to our home state. He thought they’d take a year and work it out. Instead, she sent him divorce papers a month after he moved. I do not understand how she could throw away nearly 30 years of marriage to a man who still loves her dearly. He stood by her when she had a stroke 2 years ago, 3 weeks after they’d moved out of state; he stood by her when she became manic to the point where she had to be hospitalized 6 months later, despite a so-called “friend” who was urging him to divorce her. Later, when that so-called “friend” urged her to divorce him, she decided to. They had a good marriage and he was willing to do anything it took to keep it alive. Anything, that is, except accept her diagnosis that he had a mental illness he doesn’t have, even though his therapist agreed and she has no medical training.
Excuse me. This is getting close to ranting.
What do you do for someone whose heart is broken and whose life is completely devastated? Love him. No, not romantically, but be there for him and comfort him. There’s no way around it. Some days will hurt like bloody hell. Some memories will hurt badly. I invited my friend for Easter dinner at my parents’ and we watched a movie about kids trying to get into a top ballet school. He enjoyed it, but felt a pang because his wife would also have loved it. The movie 1776 was one of their favorites – I swear they sung at least half of it to me before I even saw it with them. I started to watch it with him last summer; he broke down in tears not long after the movie started. Give your friend room to vent and room to cry. Don’t let her wallow too much in self pity, but some is natural. What my friend misses most isn’t sex; it’s simple human contact and cuddling. It’s also companionship. On a more practical level, your friend’s finances may be tight and the prospect may be terrifying.
I feel sorry for your friend, especially under the circumstances. I’ve railed against adultery a few times around here; this is why. It’s also easy to look at your own relationship and wonder if this could possibly happen to you. Face it, we all hope it won’t. Be there for your friend, tell your husband you love him, hope, and work. Ultimately, I don’t know anything else.