The Divorce Etiquette Thread

[Belrix]

@Elendil's Heir

(I forget which comedian said, “Next time, I’m gonna take the direct approach: Find a woman I hate and immediately give her half of everything I own.”)

Lewis Grizzard had a quote which is close. He was going to find a women he hates and buy her a house.

[Annie-Xmas]

To quote Judge Judy: The love you have for your children has to be stronger than the hate you have for each other.

[Thinks2Much]

@lieu

I just wish some divorcing couples wouldn’t also require their mutual friends to take one side or another as well. In the past I’ve wanted to stay friends with both since we were friends before but, inevitably, one will get pissed off that I’m still friends with the other.

While I understand your anger, please don’t insist I emulate it.

I had the opposite problem. We had a very peaceful divorce, didn’t involve lawyers or anything, and neither one of us has any animosity towards each other. We have a grade school age son and we still have to interact with each other on a nearly daily basis and we have no issue with it. We are still friends too - where he will use his connections to get me services for my home business or whatever. We ENCOURAGED our friends to stay in touch with both of us. But yet every last one of our friends, and our son’s friends’ parents, chose sides and made mountains out of mole hills to justify their choice. So now my son only has playdates with certain friends when he is with his dad versus other friends when he is with me. It was / is very disappointing. There was no pressure from either of us that they needed to choose sides, but they did anyway. People just assume so many things. It is very annoying.

So, please don’t assume your divorced friends WANT you to choose sides, messy or not. Ask them if they don’t bring it up. Don’t assume.

[Lightnin]

@lieu

I just wish some divorcing couples wouldn’t also require their mutual friends to take one side or another as well. In the past I’ve wanted to stay friends with both since we were friends before but, inevitably, one will get pissed off that I’m still friends with the other.

Seconded. When I got divorced, oh so many years ago, my (ex)wife told all of our friends some rather offensive lies about me. I, of course, never heard any of these stories until years later- all I knew was that all of a sudden, all of our friends cut off all contact with me.

There’s nothing so lonely as to go through a divorce by yourself.

[Chimera]

@Lightnin'

Seconded. When I got divorced, oh so many years ago, my (ex)wife told all of our friends some rather offensive lies about me. I, of course, never heard any of these stories until years later- all I knew was that all of a sudden, all of our friends cut off all contact with me.

There’s nothing so lonely as to go through a divorce by yourself.

That, my friends, is exactly what happened to me, and it is also one of the most painful things you can ever experience. When I rhapse bitter about my ex-wife or my marriage, it isn’t just the/her insanity, it’s THIS experience speaking. All those people who made the situation ten times more painful and awful because they cut me off without a word, or cut me off in anger with a blatant load of her lies on their lips.

[Purgatory_Creek]

@MLS

I’ve never been divorced, but have observed a few and would respectfully allege that there are a few times when some of the advice here does not apply.

One of my friends found out that her husband had been (sexually) abusing their children. He NEVER gets visitation rights. Ever. He’s lucky he’s not in jail.

A relative’s husband was pretty much a jerk, and we all thought so, but never said anything to her. He was vulgar, verbally abusive, alcoholic, in and out of work, not a real support in any sense. When he started being abusive on the day she came home from finding her brother dead, and told her to get out of the house (which she was paying all the expenses for), that was the last straw. He never showed up for any court hearings, never paid any child support. Heck, he didn’t support them during the marriage, no reason he would start later. To her credit, the mother does permit some visitation by the younger child who wants to visit his father.

Uh, yes, I think common sense dictates that visitation is not in the best interest of the child when there is sexual abuse going on. I don’t think there are too many people who would disagree with that. Unfortunately, denial of visitation rarely has such a clear-cut or justifiable reason. Far, far too often, children are deprived of one of their parents simply because the other parent wants vengeance for some real or imagined transgression, and the child is the one who pays the greatest price.

[eleanorigby]

My therapist put it best: when you disrespect the ex-spouse, you shame the child. The advice here is good, IMO. One of the hardest things to lose is your social position, especially in the couple’s land that is the suburbs.

My mother did this to great effect my entire childhood. My father was a son a bitch according to her–and I look exactly like him. Then, once the venom had seeped in and stewed for about 10 years, she got remarried–to my father!

Yes, I did go to therapy (see above), but only once I became an adult. It would never have occurred to the [del]narcissistic selfish[/del] clueless people who parented all 5 of us to take us to therapy…
I am in the midst of a dying marriage myself. I try very hard to separate spousal stuff from kid and parent stuff. He’s a lousy husband, but a fairly good father, IMO. I concentrate on that and never confide in my kids re the things that pass between The Husband and myself. It can be very hard, but given that I lived the alternative, I have a vested interest in ensuring (as much as one can) that our kids don’t repeat our mistakes.