A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
My son (who has been enjoying the Captain Underpants series recently) told me this one last night:
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A pile-up.
I’m a pile-up who?
Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself…
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A f—ing stick!
:rolleyes:
Two guys walk into a bar.
You’d think the second one would’ve ducked.
Lone Ranger: Y’know Tonto, my penis is so long I can tie a knot in it.
Tonto: Kimosabe, how come?
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says “Hey buddy, why the long face?”
A second grade juke:
How come the crack in your butt goes up and down?
Because if it went sideways when you went down the slide it would go: bump-bump-bump-bump….
Cracks me up every time.
Man walks into psychiatrist’s office wrapped in cellophane…shrink says “I can clearly see you’re nuts”…
1st person: I can teach you how to yodel.
2nd person: How?
1st person: Knock, knock.
2nd person: Who’s there?
1st person: Your old lady…
Q: Where does a general keep his armies?
A: Up his sleevies.
Why did the Koala fall off his bike?
Someone threw a refrigerator at him
A friend and I were walkng down the street the other day when I was overwhelmed by an incredible smell. I turned to Fred and said “You didn’t just let one go did you?!” to which he took great offence and said “Of course I did; you don’t think I smell like this all the time do you?”
Some of my favorites have been in here already but by god I know dumb jokes.
Regarding the cow joke there is a similar one for Amy Fisher
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Amy Fisher
Amy Fisher Wh BLAM
Always gets me the weirdest looks in restaurants.
What is black and white and can’t fit thru a door?
A nun with a spear thru her head.
What has three eye two bills and flies?
A bird with spare parts.
What’s the difference between a blowjob and a movie?
(they say I don’t know)
Wanna go to a movie?
What do you call a psychic midget on the run from the law?
A small medium at large.
Did you hear about the deviled egg?
He was eggsorsized.
I’m reminded of the I SAID POSSE joke but do not feel the need to type it.
A rabbi a priest and a leprechaun walk into a bar the leprechaun looks around and says “F**K I’m in the wrong joke”
Two beekeepers are having a chat.
First beekeeper: I’ve got 1000 bees in three hives
Second beekeeper: : I’ve got 1700 bees in one hive
First beekeeper: My, isn’t that a bit crowded
Second beekeeper: Yeah, but, fuck 'em. Little bastards.
Q: what is the difference between an elephant and a ham sandwich?
(“dunno, what?”)
A: man, you must be pretty stupid if you can’t tell the difference between an elephant and a ham sandwich!!
Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: Because they all have phones.
Almost asphyxiated when I heard that one.
How can you tell if there’s an elephant under your bed?
The ceiling is very close.
I remember this one from elementary school:
Q: Will you remember me a year from now?
A: Yes.
Q: Will you remember me ten years from now?
A: Yes.
Q: Will you remember me a century from now?
A: Yes.
(pause)
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Hey, you said you’d remember me a century from now! Why did you ask who I was?
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we’ve got a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “You got a drink named Steve?”
A skeleton goes into a bar. He says, “Give me a beer and a mop.”
Incidentally, I just told the interrupting cow joke the other night and reduced a friend to hysterics. She hardly ever laughs at jokes either.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.