Q: What has seven arms and LOVES hard rock?
A: DEF LEPPARD!
Two sausages are in a frying pan. The first sausage says to the other one, “Boy, it sure is hot in here.”
The other one says, “Holy shit - A TALKING SAUSAGE!”
From a three stooges episode, when they were learning to be gentleman:
Larry (Reading):“Oh see the little deer, has the deer a little doe?”
Curly (Butting in):“Sointenly!, two bucks!, nyuk nyuk nyuk!”
“SLAP” (gets hit by Moe)
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry float.
Why’d the armadillo cross the road?
To show the chicken that it could be done.
Why’d the turtle cross the road?
To get the Shell station.
Duh.
My son just informed me that I remembered this one wrong
It should be:
Why’d the chicken cross the road?
To show the armadillo that it could be done.
Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they
are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.
I’ve loved the cow joke since I heard Drew Carey tell it to Jay Leno a few years ago.
Here’s one a friend told me a while back:
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
She didn’t have any arms.
It took me a couple seconds but once I got a mental image of it I laughed my ass off despite how stupid it is.
How deep is a frog pond?
Kneedeep kneedeep!!!
I’ve used that one on a lot of little kids!
How do you get 4 elephants in a mini?
2 in the front and 2 in the back.
What’s harder than getting 4 elephants in a mini?
Getting 4 pregnant elephants in a mini.
What’s harder than getting 4 pregnant elephants in a mini?
Getting 4 elephants pregnant in a mini!
How do you know if there’s an elephant in the fridge?
There are footprints in the butter.
How do you know if there are two elephants in the fridge?
There are two sets of footprints in the butter.
How do you know if there are three elephants in the fridge?
There are three sets of footprints in the butter.
How do you know if there are four elephants in the fridge?
There is a mini parked outside.
Finally, a non - elephant joke:
How do you sell a duck to a deaf man?
Want to buy a duck? (shout)But why would the duck say moo?
Anyway, did you hear about the new pirate movie that’s coming out?
It’s rated Arrrrrrrr!
Can we have the thread title edited to say (Do not open at work) please? I’m sure to get canned.
I wish I could remember jokes. I forget them way too quickly.
Impatient owl?
Impatient owl w…
…WHOOO WHOOO! that’s just silly
Mahatma Ghandi went on a pilgrimage walking barefoot and eating nothing but raw onions for 2 months. Soon his feet were hardend, he was malnourished and his breath smelled funny. He became know as. . .
A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis!!
What did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear. Arrrrrrrrr…!
Howzabout:
“Knock Knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Punchline-stealing Owl”
“Punchline-stealing Owl Who?”
then you look at the person like this: :mad:
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
-He was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
-He was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
-Peer pressure.
Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
-He thought it was a new trend.
And now a non-monkey joke:
Why did the chicken try to climb up a tree?
-It wanted to be trendy too.
A blonde girl, a brunette girl, and a red-headed girl are all in the same kindergarten class. Which one has the largest breasts?
The BLONDE! She’s 18!!
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Freddy Frog wants to buy a new car so he goes into the bank to apply for a loan. The loan officer, Patricia Black, asks him how much he wants to borrow.
“Ten grand.”
“Ten grand? That’s a lot for a frog, don’t you think? What could you possibly have for collateral?”
Freddy takes a glass unicorn out of his little frog pocket and puts it on the table.
Ms. Black frowns. “You want to use a glass unicorn for collateral?”
“Yes.”
“You’re kidding.”
“No, I’m not.”
“I can’t accept this as collateral, Mr. Frog.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s worthless.”
“Indeed it is not. It’s an antique.”
They proceed to argue back and forth for ten minutes and it gets more and more heated.
Overhearing the conversation, the bank President sticks his head in the door and shouts, “That’s a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan!”
I’ve got a knock-knock joke. You start.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
(silence)
Hehehe:D
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Cuz then they’d be called bagels.
<snort!>
What’s worse than five koalas up a tree ?
: Five trees up a koala.
What did the farmer say to the cow, who was up a tree ?
: Get down.
What’s red and looks like a bucket ?
: A red bucket