I love all of the elephant jokes…I tell them in a monotone voice when people are intoxicated…they just crack up…
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: Why do elephants have long noses?
A: Sheep don’t have strings.
Non-elephant:
Q: What do you do when you see a spaceman?
A: You park, man… (said in California surfer-dude voice)
Q: What sound do 3 snails make when on train tracks?
A: <crunch> <crunch> out-of-breath pant pant pant <crunch>
-Tcat
Why doesn’t santa claus have any children?
Cause he only comes once a year and that’s down a chimney!
I know bunches but that is the first that comes to mind and some have already been told.
Oh, and a slight variation to one.
Two men walk into a bar…the third one ducks.
Took me forever to get that one. I’m talking years! And one day I was just sitting there and it dawned on me. Yes, I am a natural blonde. And yes I’ve heard them all.
Two men are walking down the street when they see a dog licking it’s privates.
“Boy, if I wish I could do that!” remarked one of the men.
“What’s stopping you?” replied his friend, “It’s just a little dog!”
A motorist is pulled over by a patrol officer.
“Didn’t you see the arrow?” demands the officer.
“Gee, officer, I didn’t even see the Indian!”
A man walks into a store with a parrot on it’s shoulder.
“Wow! That is BEAUTIFUL!” remarks the clerk, “where did you get it?”
“Connecticut!” says the parrot.
Why can’t witches get pregnant?
Their husbands have hallo-weenies!
Why can’t wizards have children?
They have crystal balls!
How did Hitler ties his shoes?
Into little knot-zies!
Why is the Enterpise like toilet paper?
It gores around Uranus looking for Clingons!
What did Mr. Spock discover in the toilet?
The Captain’s log!
Did you hear that Japan launched it’s first astronaut?
The weatherman said there was little nip in the air! :rolleyes:
All right, you have been a wonderful audience, you deserve more:
What’s this?
ker-plop, ker plop
KER-PLOP
KER-PLOP
KER-PLOP
KER-PLOP
BLAM-BLAM-BLAM!!!
KER-PLOP
KER-PLOP
KER-PLOP
KER-PLOP
ker-plop, ker-plop, ker-plop . . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
An Amish driveby shooting!
Doctor: "I’m sorry, Mr. Brown, but my diagnosis is that you have Alzheimers.
Patient: "PHEW! For second there, I thought you were going to tell me I had Alzheimers!
What do you do if your Kotex catches fire?
Throw it on the ground and tampon it!
Why does Mike Tyson cry while having sex?
Usually, he is having mace sprayed in his eyes!
What would you get if you froze Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and cloned him?
An iced Kareem clone!
I heard a variation of the dog one…
Two mexicans walk up to a dog licking itself, one Mexican says, “I wish I could do that man.” The other one says, “No man, he’d bit yooooou…”
Why did the little cookie cry?
Because his mother was a wafer so long.
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine.
RR
CP, this is a great prank. The best thing to do is to get a group of people in on the scam. When your sucker, er, friend comes in you tell the joke and everyone laughs hysterically. Then you spend the rest of the day going, “You still don’t get it? Man, what a clod!”
RR
Why do elephants paint themselves green?
So they can hide in trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree?
(no)
See how good they hide?
Why do elephants have flat feet?
They keep jumping out of trees.
How do elephants climb trees?
They use their trunks.
Whats brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
What do you call the same guy six months later?
pete
What do you call a Scottish girl with no arms and no legs propped up against the wall?
Elaine.
I know, it’s stupid, but I had to try… :rolleyes:
I heard this as, “What do you call a girl with one leg?” The couplet is, “Where does she work?”
IHOP!
Why do ducks have flat feet?
For stomping out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
For stomping out flaming ducks.
What do you call two guys with no arm and no legs hanging around your windows?
Kurt ‘n’ Rod
Q: What did one tomato say to the other tomato?
A: Nothing, tomatoes don’t talk
Q: What do you say when somebody steals your cheese?
A: Hey, that’s nacho cheese!
Some of my favorites have been in here already but by god I know dumb jokes.
Regarding the cow joke there is a similar one for Amy Fisher
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Amy Fisher
Amy Fisher Wh BLAM
Always gets me the weirdest looks in restaurants.
What is black and white and can’t fit thru a door?
A nun with a spear thru her head.
What has three eye two bills and flies?
A bird with spare parts.
What’s the difference between a blowjob and a movie?
(they say I don’t know)
Wanna go to a movie?
What do you call a psychic midget on the run from the law?
A small medium at large.
Did you hear about the deviled egg?
He was eggsorsized.
I’m reminded of the I SAID POSSE joke but do not feel the need to
type it.
A rabbi a priest and a leprechaun walk into a bar the leprechaun looks
around and says “F**K I’m in the wrong joke”
Also, I do know the dumbest joke in the world, but last time I put it on the board, hackers brought the whole board down!!!
I just don’t think I can risk it again.
What do you call a man with three planks of wood on his head?
Edward Woodward.
Hmm… a hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
What do you call a bull masturbating?
Beef Stroganoff!
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on the grill?
Patty
What if she’s Irish and on your porch?
Patty O’Furniture