Forgot one - What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water skiing?
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These two peanuts were walking through Central Park. One was assaulted.
Actually. here’s one my mom told be when I was around 11. Gotta love a mom who brings you home jokes from a party.
These three moles are burrowing down a mole hole when the first one suddently stops and starts sniffing the air.
‘Hey, he says, I smell peanuts!’
The second mole stick his nose forward and gives a sniff and says ‘Yeah, I smell peanuts too!’
The third mole gives a sniff and says ‘All I can smell is mole asses’
This floored my six year old son.
Okay, okay…
The manager of an insane assylum decided that the crazy folk needed some time away from their institution. So he arranged for them to go to a baseball game. He got them all together in a room to practice how they would behave at the game.
He stood in front of them and said, “When I say, ‘stand up nuts’ I want you all to stand up!’ And when I say ‘Sit down nuts’ I want you all to sit down!’ Let’s practice.”
So he tried. “Stand up nuts!”
All the loonies stood up.
“Sit down nuts!”
All the nuts sat down.
So he took them to the ball park.
When it was time to sing the national anthem he said, “Stand up Nuts!” And they all stood up, right on cue. No problems.
Then when the anthem was over he said, “Sit down nuts!” And they all sat down. Again, no problems! Amazing.
And they were all doing just fine until some asshole came alone screaming “PEANUTS!!!”
hee hee.
How do you make a dead baby float?
Well, you take two scoops of dead baby, some root beer…
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.
Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: He was “impaling” the chicken.
Q: Why did the gerbil cross the road?
A: He was stuck in the pervert.
Q: What’s better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.
I know, it’s mean as hell, but I always laugh at that one.
How do you catch a unique animal ?
U-nique up on it. 
What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
–
Why do Ford Tempos have rear-window defrosters?
To keep your hands warm while you push.
-Andrew L
Another one:
What kind of animal do you not play cards with?
A cheetah.
– Why does Edward Woodward spell his name with three 'D’s?
– Because otherwise he’d be Ewar Woowar.
– Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?
– Tequila.
– Did you hear about the clown who got the sack?
– He’s suing for funfair dismissal.
– Did you hear about the man who fell in love with two bags?
– He was bi-satchel.
– The Empire State Building has 48 floors. It would have had 49 … but that’s another storey.
– How many Spaniards does it take to change a lighbulb?
– Juan.
– What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
– Dam.
And, of course:
How you catch a tame animal?
The tame way!
So this man goes to the doctor and when the doctor asks him what’s wrong, the man says ‘I dunno Doc. I think I’m, having an identity crisis. One day I think I’m a teepee and the next day I think I’m a wigwam. Or maybe I’m both a teepee and a wigwam!’
‘I know your problem, the doctor says, you’re two tents’.
Oh! Oh! Another Blonde joke (my sister is blonde, so I used to have a whole stash of these to bedevil her):
A blonde goes to see the doctor.
Blonde, touching various places on her body:
“Doctor, it hurts when I touch here… here… here… and here! What’s wrong with me?”
Doctor: “You have a broken index finger.”
What do you call a cow that’s had an abortion?
De-Calfinated
I’m ashamed of myself…
What do you call a man with 100 rabbits up his ass?
Warren…
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
if they had four, they’d be chicken sedans.
This is so stupid, but I love it.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
Ok, this one really needs to be said, because the good bits are in what you hear, and spelling messes it up a little. But here it is anyway…
There was this guy with a very obvious wooden eye. He was really sensitive about it. He hated to be teased about it. He had never dated. But one day, he noticed a woman at work with a really big nose, and was madly attracted to her. He wanted to ask her out, but was afraid to. “I love that girl with the big nose. I’ll bet she’s sensitive about it, like I am about my eye. I want to be with her. But she’ll see I have this wooden eye, and won’t go out with me,” he told his friends. “No, man, she won’t even notice. Go ask her,” they said.
Shyly he approached her, after much encouragement from his buddies, and said hello. Unbeknownst to him, she had loved him from afar for many years. She could hardly return his greeting, she was so happy.
“H-h-h-i…,” she replied.
“I wanted to know,” he hesitantly asked, “would you go out with me?”
“Would I? WOULD I ?!?!?!?!”
“OH! BIGNOSEBIGNOSEBIGNOSE!!”
That is dumber than a bag of hammers, and I love it. I mentally hear ‘bignosebignosebignose’ anytime anyone says ‘would I’.
I can’t believe no one’s mentioned the one about the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw.
A guy goes to the pet store to buy a parrot. The shop keeper tried to get the parrot to talk, but it wouldn’t. So the guy buys the parrot on the shop keeper’s promise that the parrot really does talk and probably would begin to do so once the man got him home. Sure enough, as soon as he walked in the door with the parrot, it started to cus a blue streak. The guy tells the parrot that he can’t have him saying those things because his girlfriend in coming for dinner and she would be offended. The parrot continued his cussing and the man told the parrot, “If you don’t stop I’m going to have to put you in the freezer until dinner’s over.” The parrot doesn’t listen and the man puts him in the freezer. When dinner’s over and the girlfriend has left, the man remembers the parrot and runs to the freezer to let him out. The parrot shiverint says, “O-oK, I’m s-s-sorry. I-I-I won’t cuss anymore, but t-tell me, w-w-what did the c-c-chicken do?”
The ounch line I heard was “What did the f-----g chicken do?”
A gorilla walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Giving the gorilla his change, the bartender says, “Say, we don’t get many gorillas in here.”
“With your prices”, says the gorilla, “I’m not bloody surprised!”
What’s the difference between a mail box and a donkey’s arse?
“Dunno”
Remnind me never to ask you to post anything for me.
Bartender rings up the local asylum and says, “Hey, I’ve got one of your inmates in here. He wants to pay for his beers with bottle tops.”
“Don’t worry”, replies the Asylum director, “He’s harmless. Can you do me a favour? Let him pay with the bottle tops, and I’ll come over this evening and fix up his tab.”
True to his word, the director walks into the bar in the evening and asks the barman how many bottle tops the inmate had given him.
“Fourteen”, says the bartender.
“No problem”, says the Asylum director, “here’s a trashcan lid. Sorry, I don’t have anything smaller.”
Asylum inmate escapes via the laundry window, sexually assaulting a washerwoman on his way out. The following day, the newspaper headline read: NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS
Q: Definition of confusion?
A: Fathers’ Day in New Zealand.
Eight-year old boy: “Dad, what’s fucking?”
Father (thinks a bit): “What’s fucking what??”
Q: Why do people take an instant dislike to (insert politician’s name)?
A: To save time.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Anything you bloody well like, it won’t do any good.
My dog has no legs. I call him Malboro.
“Why do you call him that?”
Because every morning I take him for a drag.
My dog has no nose!
"How does he smell?
Dreadful.
Excuse me, does your dog bite?
“No.”
CRUNCH
I thought you said your dog does not bite?
“That is not my dog.”
After their first date, an archaeologist takes a blonde up to his apartment for coffee. “What’s that?”, asks the blonde, pointing to an object on his coffee table.
“That”, says the archaeologist proudly, “is an ancient Egyptian phallic symbol.”
“Okay”, giggled the blonde, “but I’d hate to tell you what it looks like.”
“Don’t worry. Just a little prick with a needle.”
Yes, but what are you going to do?
Q: How do you make a dog meow?
A: Freeze it, then run it through a bandsaw.
Q: How do you make a cat woof?
A: Soak it in petrol, then chuck a match at it.
Q: What’s orange and comes out of the ground at 120MPH?
A: An E-Type carrot.
[sup]Sorry. Those were bloody old.[/sup]:o