The dumper is getting married! So soon?

The BBQ Pit
21

Well, thanks. You’re about the first person who seems to understand the situation. And since I was not being aggressive towards him (you know, tired of being rejected so waiting to take my cues from him, a notoriously skittish guy who might have age-related libido problems) he apparently thought I wasn’t attracted to him. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Lost a guy in college for the same reason…I decided to play it cool with him because I had gotten burned by a string of guys who mistook my natural physical affection for a loose nature, and he decided to play it cool with me because he’s gotten badly dumped by someone who mistook HIS natural physical affection for something more sinister. So we both held back, and totally misread each other’s interest, and while on a date with him he introduced me to a friend of his and then disappeared (a long story) for a couple hours, and then didn’t call for a couple weeks. So when his friend asked me out, I went, and we fell madly in love, and by the time Guy One sent me a card declaring his interest, it was too late. He did propose to me a few years later when my future husband missed his plane home for the wedding (Guy One was our best man) and I always regret not being bold enough to run off with him right then…could have saved both of us from bad marriages. Named our son after him, too. See? I like staying friends with ex-boyfriends!

But everyone else thinks I’m delusional in this case…so nice to get Pitted myself when I’m trying to Pit someone! I think I’ll be fine, though. Already have the cat, and even the other stuff. But I swear, the next guy I go out with that I’m even remotely attracted to is going to have to defend his honor, because it’s been 9 years now…enough already!

22

Kittenblue sweetie, you don’t need anyone to beat you up or Pit you, you are doing just fine by yourself. Both of these threads have a strong theme of self-deprecation.

Sometimes people naturally assign blame to themselves when a relationship ends, but every post you make about every relationship you’ve had since college contains a statement about your faults in the relationship and what you did wrong.

Ok, the ex is getting married, and as far as you knew, he’d just started seeing this girl, but apparently they’ve been talking for almost a year now. So, he was looking for something that he wasn’t getting from the relationship with you. It seems like you guys weren’t just not having sex, you weren’t talking about being intimate either. Did you ever discuss this, or did you just assume that he wanted to take it slow because of whichever reason?

You aren’t delusional, but you aren’t behaving in a way that is very healthy for yourself either. You DO focus too much of your energies on other people, and I’m sure that’s a natural inclination for you. But you have to take time for yourself. You have to spend time rewarding yourself for your accomplishments, and you have to learn to say no when someone asks you to do something for them.

You’ve had bad experiences every year on the 4th of July and you want to change that? Plan something yourself, something that doesn’t require another person’s participation. Don’t rely on anyone else to be your happiness, create your own happiness!

It seems that you have internalized a lot of the bad experiences you’ve had in your life, and you let them determine who you are. That’s not healthy.

I think that you need to write a list, of all of the things that you like about yourself, of all the things that you don’t like about yourself. On the don’t like side, look at each item carefully and decide if it’s something that you can actually change. If it’s not something you can change, it’s probably not even something worth worrying about. On the other side, take the positives and use them to bolster your confidence and your self-image.

I don’t know you very well, and if I’ve misread anything at all, I do apologize. I just see a lady that is hurting inside, and is so down on herself it hurts me to read about it. Keep us posted about how you are doing, and I know that people here will be ready with a kind word and sage advice when you need it.

23

Thiis is my curse. I get labeld as a synpathetic listener, someone women can tell their issues true and get a guy perspective. Women want someone like me in their lives, but not in a dual role as an SO, it seems, and the general response to me trying to move toward physical intimacy is shock and disappointment. They had me pegged as “safe” – someone who won’t be aggressive with them. And as I noted earlier, I have been becoming more and more “safe” as the years pass.

And BTW, I can imagine syself getting swept off by an agressive woman I who am also attracted to, very easily and quickly. 'Cause, basically, that’s what I’m standing around waiting for.

I’m sorry to go on like this, but I thought that this might offer you one possible explanation of dynamics that might be involved.

24

[ricky vaughan]

You want me to drag him out of here? Beat the shit out of him?

[/ricky vaughan]

Eh… sorry 'bout that. Some things just pop into my head right away when a (new!) friend-o-mine gets stepped on.

25

Oh, how sweet! Thanks, but I think we can pass on the thumping for now! But thanks for offering.

I do tend to analyze my faults in a relationship. I take responsibility for what I do, or say. And I thought that was the mature way to be.

It’s no surprise to me that someone might like me, but not be physically attracted to me…I’ve had a weight problem since my daughter was born, and my ex-husband spent years trying to convince me that his infidelity was directly related to what the scale said. Problem is, I keep forgetting what size I am. So when this guy seemed to have no problem dating me despite the weight, I guess I forgot that my size might be an issue, and just attributed his lack of sexual interest to his own problems.

The timing thing ticks me off, because I just had weight-loss surgery and have lost 65 pounds in the past three months. Now before anyone yells at me, I didn’t have the surgery because of him. I had it to save my health and my life. I hoped one of the side effects would be that he, or someone else, might take a second look at me, but I didn’t go into this thinking that he would magically fall in love as soon as I lost weight. I was prepared for the fact that many people who have this surgery find that their relationships change drastically once the weight comes off, and the change is not always for the better. What I hadn’t prepared myself for was the possibility of my relationship with him changing just three weeks before the surgery because of another woman. I found myself suddenly without the man who was going to be my support person. The guy who was going to tell me silly jokes, and said he would call me daily to distract me, and come over and get me away from the house during my medical leave. He said he felt bad about the timing too, but that didn’t help much. So, as unrealistic as it seems, I felt not just bad about being dumped, but kicked in the head and stomped on, too. And I believed the things he said…that he would still come visit me in the hospital. He even asked for the directions, phone number…and he works just blocks from the hospital. I ended up spending four extra days in the hospital, and he never visited. So the guy who was so different from all the other men, ended up, by his own admission, being gutless.

I spent so many weeks being understanding about the break-up. Being stoical, and philosophical, and analytical. This is all just delayed grief. I have to mourn what I’ve lost. Even if what I lost was just a good friend, and a hope.

It was still fun while it lasted.

26

Gah…

I wholeheartedly renew my offer!

'Cuz, ya know, sometimes even karma needs a nudge in the right direction.

Yeesh.