You were all wrong. He’s apparently not [thread=264098]gay [/thread] after all. The last thing I wanted to hear tonight is that the guy I dated for 2 and a half years, who dumped me only three and a half months ago to find out if there was possibilities with a woman he had just recently met, is marrying her in the next few weeks. He barely knows her! They have only been talking since January at the earliest, and he only met her in person in late April! He’s 52 years old! He should know better! And she lives three hours away, and he only saw her at weekends, so exactly how much time can they have spent together, total?
Hey I don’t blame her, in a way. He’s a great catch…great job, owns his own home, kids all grown and gone. Why does the term “gold-digger” pop into my head? I doubt they’ve even had a good fight yet, and I firmly believe you shouldn’t marry someone until you see how they deal with anger. And he as much as admitted that his sons aren’t thrilled about this…always good to marry someone your kids don’t like. He says they are busy and don’t really care, but I know his eldest…I’m sure he has an opinion.
This is a man who doesn’t jump into things. I am so stunned that I can’t even think straight. And to top it off, she has a problem with me. ME! We’ve never met, and I have no idea what he told her about me, but she does not believe him when he tells her that the two of us were never sexual. When I expressed surprise at her disbelief, he asked me, “does anyone believe we dated so long with no sex?” and I told him, yes, my friends believed me when I told them, so why can’t she? I asked if he reallly wanted to marry someone who didn’t trust his word. He didn’t dignify that with an answer…I guess it was a bit snarky of me.
Damn, damn, damn. Even though I’m about to have a first date with someone new, I still was hoping that maybe this wouldn’t work out for him and he’s be back. Now I just have to admit I am totally unlovable and undesirable. Two and a half years of dating every single week. Two and a half years of hours on the phone every single week. Damn.
Bah, you’re looking at this all wrong. This is good news for you. It’s more evidence that he’s got some seriously odd issues regarding relationships and women.
This means:
[ol]
[li]You’re lucky to be rid of him and moving on with life.[/li][li]The breakup had nothing to do with you.[/li][/ol]
It’s just more evidence that he was already cheating on you (at least emotionally) while you were still together. You should definitely be happy he’s gone - if this woman thinks twice about it, she’ll realize she’s with a cheater. Heck, maybe that’s why she’s jealous of you; she figures he might try to get back with you and worries about it.
Guy’s viewpoint here. Opinion: He was obviously either already interested in her before the breakup, or he’s seriously not thinking straight.
Okay, sure. It’s possible he jsut happened to find the one true love of his life mere moments after walking away from you, but I doubt it. Real life doesn’t work that way. Usually.
As for your feeling undesirable right now, that is a common pattern for the dumpee. It passes. Really. It does. Instead of jumping into dating right quick, maybe you might want to relax and regroup.
Actually, the thought that’s been running through my mind the last hour is that She’s the one not to be trusted…follow my logic. He meets her in a Healthcare chatroom, they strike up a conversation and start emailing, first about remedies, and then it gets personal. Now this is a man who has been cheated on…he’s very sensitive to this. He realizes he’s starting to get interested, and since we obviously haven’t pledged our love to each other, he meets her for coffee. He then decides he wants to get to know her better, but doesn’t feel right about dating two women at once, so he tells me what’s going on and starts dating her. She knows that he has been seeing me for a long time, and despite what he tells her, she believes that we are intimate…and yet she agrees to go out with him, even if it’s just that initial coffee. So to my mind, she is obviously a woman who has no problem starting up a relationship with a man she believes is in a relationship already, even before he breaks it off. Hmmm, sounds just like the woman my ex-husband left me for! Add to that the fact that she doesn’t believe him when he is telling her the truth…she sounds like a winner to me!
Yes, I probably am better off without him. But for tonight it hurts. And the guy I was supposed to meet this weekend hasn’t returned my call or email yet, so I’m a bit down about that (we had planned to meet Monday night, but he had a meeting he had forgotten about, and said he’d call me to reschedule).
You know, if you wanted to be really cruel (not that you would, but it’s fun to fantasize about these things), you have all kinds of life insurance policies mailed to him, call him and say that someone from XYZ insurance company called and was asking questions about him and his health. Send him some “black widow” type movies as a wedding present.
Yeah, the guy who dumped you is the one who’s gonna get screwed.
RIGHT. :dubious:
How do you know he told her he was in a relationship?
I wouldn’t have a problem meeting a new friend for coffee even though I’m in a very committed relationship. That doesn’t mean that I’m willing to start up a new relationship with this person.
You’re unlovable because your ex is going to marry someone else? By those standards just about all of us would be unlovable.
I don’t know the specifics of your relationship with your ex, but not having sex when you’re in a relationship with someone for 2 1/2 years, and your partner is 52 years old… wow, that’s a major red flag. Physical attraction, while not the only aspect of a relationship, is certainly one important aspect. And you either have chemistry or you don’t.
2 1/2 years is a long time to settle for something less than you want and deserve. A non-sexual relationship is not a complete relationship, IMO. Friendships are great, but if you want marriage (and it sounds to me like you do) then this guy simply wasn’t right for you.
By getting married to someone else, he’s doing you a huge favor. Now you can’t kid yourself that you will get back together eventually. That’s a good thing. So do yourself a favor and do what most exes do: Quit talking to him. Period. Quit trying to figure him out or fix his screwed up relationships. He doesn’t have a pre-nup? Kittenblue, it simply isn’t your business any more. And yes, that hurts. A lot. Grieving over a 2 1/2 year old relationship is normal and healthy. Obsessing about a past relationship that ultimately wasn’t fulfilling is not.
I think I need more practice I’m just not getting it right. Jump into bed right away, get dumped. Don’t jump into bed at all, get dumped. And it’s amazing how fast 2-1/2 years went by…honestly. It was fun while it lasted. Best friendship I’ve ever had with a guy. (probably because in the past I’ve jumped too quickly). I’m going to work on being more assertive about getting what I really want. I want to be the type of woman a guy will fall crazy in love with and want to marry immediately. Oh, right, that was how it happened with my ex-husband! And look how well that worked out.
Oh well, it was an experience. But since I need to start channeling my inner bitch ('cuz this nice girl thing ain’t cutting it) I’m not going to wish him well. I hope she takes him for the house, and half his pension, and so alienates him from his kids that he rarely gets to see them and he crawls back to me and begs forgiveness! Oh, wait, that’s what happened to my ex-husband with wife #2!
Eh. I wouldn’t waste the stamp. But if you want to, then it’s not that big of a deal.
It doesn’t sound like this marriage is destined for good things, but it’s not your worry, thank goodness. I’d wish that things with his kids would be okay (that he’d be okay with his kids), but as for his marital happiness? Who cares. Who cares. Bleh. It sounds like his marriage is doomed, but (one more time) who cares. Not you, right?
As a middle aged straight guy who hasn’t had sex for WAY too long, let me throw in a few thoughts here. Personally I got tired of rejection some time back, to the point where I’ve pretty much stopped issuing invitations. That’s not to way I wouldn’t have accepted invitations offered to me. So I would not be terribly surprised if he showed no sexual aggressiveness in those years, I wouldn;t see it as a red flag. But if he has rejected approaches from you, that’s a serious red flag.
If nothing else, this is pretty clear evidence this guy hasn’t figured out who or who he wants in a relationship. Best you learn this now than later.
Good luck from even more moserable loser in the romance game. Jeez, I’m envious, you got far enough into a relationship to BE dumped. I should be so lucky.
You need to review your original thread. IIRC several people. including myself, didn’t not believe he was gay, but simply that he was not physically attracted to you, despite the fact that you were emotionally close, and that you were enganging in a powerful self delusion re the true nature and status of the relationship.
You need to heed Quagdop’s suggestion to move on. Winding yourself up about the motives of this new women is useless and self destructive.
