May the baby Jesus bless the San Francisco Forty Niners for trying their very hardest this year. And thank you Jerry Rice for all those intrepid seasons in the scarlet and gold.
Thank you Tampa Bay Bucs for making the playoffs and even if you freeze your dumb asses off out on the frozen tundra of Lambeau today, know that I love you and am proud of you and I still believe that you can win the Super Bowl at home.
Thanks to the Vikings and Jets and Dolphins for another embarassing late season collapse, which only reinforces what your fans secretly believed about you all along and provides prophetic amusement for a grateful nation.
A wink and a nod to the Rams, who were de-pantsed by the Bucs last Monday and now will get destroyed in the first round of the playoffs if they make it there at all which I doubt. Now we won’t have to hear The Inspirational Kurt Warner Story another 100 times and have to deal with the spectacle of his media whore of a wife waving her feather boa around on the sideline like her husband was Waylon Flowers and she was Madam.
Teary-eyed thanks to the FOX NFL pregame show for being honest and genuine enough to hire a big titted hottie to be their weatherperson.
Congratulations are in order for the Redskins’ diminutive superpunk owner, Daniel Snyder. You took a mediocre team and ran it completely into the ground, hog-tying it under the salary cap for many seasons to come, no coach in his right mind will ever work for you, and it only took you one year. Perhaps if you changed your team’s racist moniker, everyone will stop talking about what a little bitch you are.
Honorable mention to the Raiders and Saints for their unexpected success. Maybe not so unexpected on Oakland’s part, but still it is nice to see them avoid an embarassing late-season collapse for once. I hope that fat, drunken, bribing, date-rapist Pole they have for a kicker doesn’t get deported before next season. The Steelers deserve a prize for being a stalwart contender - but did they HAVE to tear down Three Rivers?
A friendly wave to the Dallas Cowboys for continuing to flounder towards the bottom of the barrel, proving once and for all that Karma is real. Just remember that it only gets worse for you from here on in, since Aikman is history and Emmitt will crack along every fissure the next time he gets a real hit. But even when you are 3-13 next year, just remember that by doing so you are providing joy and merriment to millions of other teams’ fans. There is certainly something missing from today’s Cowboys. Might I recommend a return to the cocaine and hookers?
All the other teams are pathetic in their own unique way but are not worth mentioning, except the Chargers, Browns, and Bengals who REALLY suck; the Ravens, who actually think Dilfer will take them all the way because they haven’t yet seen him throw 5 interceptions when it really matters, and the Giants who might make it a ways into the playoffs before stepping aside for any one of a number of better teams.
