The epic 16-year-old "i loves him, i loves him not" xwalrus dilemma

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Ahh, the stuff of which horrible, corny, teenage romance novels are made…jeez. I hate getting stuck in the middle of badly written books. But here we go, contrary to my personal preference. Does God listen to me? Of course not. Right-ho.

The Barney song is very lovely, despite its…juvenileness? Is that a word? I doubt it. But I didn’t want to use juvenility and sound like more of an idiot for making up a word that sounds smart but doesn’t exist…anyway. It’s a very lovely song. You know. I love you, and you love me. We’re a happy family. It’s cheerful. Confident. A great big hug, a shared kiss, please tell me you love me. That’s where it goes downhill a little…but hey, we all have our lapses in confidence, non?

Anyway, I’m not writing this to gibber about the Barney song, although that would be a great relief from my own life. I’m writing this because, well…there are people who say they love me.

You know, aside from Mom, Dad, pet brother and all that rot. Which I love—rot smells sweet sometimes. But that’s not the point.

The point is Reuven Ballaban, my own Georgia peach (although I’m not sure how much like fruit he tastes). He tells me so often, “I love you.” Every time I leave, say good night, say goodbye…“I love you.” Sometimes my name is added in there for an extra special “Arianne/Annie, I love you,” but it’s the same thing. Now it’s just directed specifically at me so if the Communists find it, they’ll know Reuven Ballaban loves a girl called Arianne. Or Annie. Whichever, you pick. Either way, it means pretty much the same thing. The name or the phrase, come to thing of it. So you pick that, too, and let me know. Anyway.

Used to be with zealous confidence, I’d answer, “I love you, too.” Only he punched a hole in his wall. Which isn’t why I don’t say it now. He punched a hole in his wall (partially) because I don’t. Or didn’t, that once. But having not said it, I begin to wonder why not. And it’s occurred to me, “Hey. Maybe I shouldn’t.”

If I say, “Yes, I love you, too,” or even just plain, “I love you,” without the yes and too, it makes it true. Or at least in his world it does, because for some reason, he trusts me (I’m not a particularly honest person. My one true talent is lying, but I can’t act. Go figure). But at the ripe ole age of sixteen (having become so approximately three days ago, happy belated birthday to me), it’s suddenly occurred to me that yes, maybe I’m stupider than I think I am (which is pretty darn stupid, considering what I think of myself). Maybe I’ve deluded myself into thinking I’m in love with him. Or, Heavens forbid, gasp, I’m just not…anymore. Or I wasn’t to begin with. Which really gets back to the first speculation, but there you go.

Maybe the cynical half the world, the realists, are right. Maybe all us romantics, the Mr. John Keatings out there (I SOUND MY BARBARIC YAWP!), are DEAD FREAKING WRONG. Maybe sixteen-year-olds (and fifteen-year-olds, for another six days (that’d be him, not me (this is beginning to look like one of Miss Elliott’s horrid function math problems with all the parentheses (four! ha! Anyway…)))) really don’t have the capacity to love that some of us think they do. Maybe I just get freaked telling him I love him because…well, because it means something. Because it means that I’m sort of willingly giving up the freedom to flirt madly with Kyle and think David is spectacularly yummy. Which he is. You know he walks on his tiptoes? It’s WEIRD. Anyway. That’s also not the point. I’ve gone off on…what, sixteen, seventeen tangents now? Anyweasels. SO.

Maybe I just don’t love him anymore. Maybe that ole HEY! I’m sixteen! factor is kicking in, or the relationship just wore out on my half or I’m in too deep and am just trying to swim to shore…who knows? I had this all worked out an hour ago and now I can’t put it into words properly.

The issue is that I don’t say I love you anymore. That I don’t answer him. That I just pretend he didn’t say it. Tonight I just answered, “I know.” And I cannot imagine how much more thick I could have been. God. I don’t want to hurt him. I love him so much, whether it be romantically or not, because as yet, I’m not sure about that option. It’s been nagging at me for a long time now. Well, not a LONG time. But a substantial amount of tume in the life of a fairly young teen. That would be me. And even if I didn’t love him, I wouldn’t want to hurt him. He IS my friend. And above all, he IS human. A good, decent human who doesn’t deserve the bad that comes his way unless he brings it on himself. JOKING. But he really doesn’t. It isn’t fair to him if I do that. It really isn’t fair to me, either, because then I feel guilty—I need to talk to HIM about it instead of ranting inanely HERE. But above all, it’s not fair to him.

Maybe I just don’t want to admit it to myself. Maybe I love him, just like I think I do…I’m just not in love. Maybe it’s eleven forty-five at night (exactly! isn’t that awesome?) and I’m tired and deluding myself again. In that case, I have one thing to say to you: observe the snow. It fornicates. ~Cecil Adams
:smack: :confused: :frowning:

Oh, my Lord, there’s a happy Orthodox Jewish man smilie. AWESOME. That tickles me fuschia…yes, Reuven, I changed pink to fuschia on purpose.

2

Do I understand this right:

Because you usually reply “I love you, too”, but you forgot this one time, this guy punched a hole in his wall?

DUMP HIM!

This kind of thing is a real clue to a future batterer. Anybody with this much anger inside of him, and this little self-control (yes, even if he’s only 16) is not someone I’d consider a good person to be around.

Get away from him now, before you have scars and broken bones to remind you of this ‘relationship’.

Sorry to be throwing such cold water on your teenage corny romance, but this is a big flashing warning sign. And deep down inside, you can feel this too. But, like you said, you are “deluding myself again”. Stop that, and consider taking steps to protect yourself.

3

You’re like a cross between Han Solo and Elmira from the Warner Bros. cartoons.

HANDY HINT: Love will never exist for you. Not only that, but you’ll be trapped in a cycle of misery thinking it does, because any time someone piques your interest you’ll keep thinking about them until it snowballs into a warm fuzzy feeling toward * your idea * of a person you never really knew.

4

Er, why? My fiancee and I joke back and forth all the time about the other’s secret latin lover(s) (funny story … none of ours is actually latin) and such. She points out cute guys as much as I do. Hell, she points out cute girls more than I do:D

Love doesn’t 100% always and forever mean you stop interacting with people, or that you stop finding other people attractive. If I knew how to flirt (other than with dopers, who for some bizarro reason tolerate it) I’d do it. If B cared enough to do so she probably would:D

IMNSHO it is not especially healthy to say “okay, now you’re not allowed to ever find anyone else attractive again, and you’re not allowed to flirt or even make eye contact with anyone else.” That teems with jealousness, insecurity and mistrust. And it’s just not natural. As lovely as B is, there are plenty of other people in the world who are also attractive. I have no qualms looking and neither does she. And at night she knows who’ll be beside her and I do as well.

5

That was a great post, rhysenne. You should write more often. Seriously. (no, really you should)

As for your Georgia Peach (sigh): By using the vast knowledge I’ve acquired over the years about 16 year-old girls (and women of other ages too, for that matter), and then consulting my crystal ball and reading some tea leaves, I fear the dude’s days as number one in your heart are numbered.

No need to worry, he’ll get over it in time (or not) and you’re already over him (you just might not know it yet).

Good luck in your future endeavors, and do try to drop by more often. :slight_smile:

6

T—I didn’t forget. I just…didn’t say it. And it wasn’t just me, it was an accumulation of other events as well and I think that was just sort of the last straw.

Thank you so much for your concern, though—I sincerely appreciate it, and the time you took to post. I will most certainly think about what you said at great length and dissect it. Again, I really, really, really appreciate it. Thanks.

7

I absolutely believe that being sixteen is no barrier to real love. The mere fact you’re sixteen should not, of itself, be the reason to conclude you didn’t know what love is, or are incapable of grasping that of which Keating wrote.

But there are other reasons to question your feelings - and the best one is that… well… you’re questioning your feelings! Introspection and self-questioning are by no means the exclusive province of adults. You feel uncertain - that’s not a teen thing, it’s a human thing. And it’s very valid.

I also agree with the general tone of the posters above that questioned the hole-in-the-wall business. Even if this was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and your young Lochinvar had a host of other problems that led to the drywall disrepair, that’s not good enough. Anyone that can’t control their anger enough to save innocent building materials is not a good candidate for general anger management.

  • Rick
8

Thanks. I needed that little bit of self assurance. Well, now that I know I’m going to be a future batterer, what do you recommend I do about it?

9

I just realized that sounded sarcastic. I’m sorry. Seriously, what should I do. The thought of hurting someone I love makes me cringe. Since you think I have an anger problem, what should I do about it?

10

What, exactly, does XWalrus2 (or whatever xwalrus you were referring to in the title) have to do with any of this?

And why don’t you sit down with dear Reuven and tell him what you’ve just laid out here. He is your friend, right? Maybe you could tell him that you still want to go out with him (if that is what you want), but that you want the relationship to cool down a bit. Tell him you have a problem with how he deals with the issue of you and other guys. If you two can’t communicate with each other, then how else do you expect these things to be resolved?

11

I believe XWalrus2 is the OP’s boyfriend, Reuven, Super Gnat…unless I’m very much mistaken.

12

Lord, I can relate, rhysenne. Right down to the punching in of walls, on the part of both members of the relationship. Well, if you want to get technical, I kicked mine in, but no matter.

My ex said he loved me about two weeks into our relationship. He said it all the time after that…and I didn’t know how else to respond but to return it. I wanted very, very badly to love somebody…and I tried very hard to make myself have it be him, even though, looking back, just about everything in me rebeled against doing it. I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing in your situation, rhysenne, but that was how it played out for me. You might have very deep feelings for Rueven, you might not; either way, it’s something you have a long time to figure out, and it’s prefectly normal to fluctuate on the matter at this point in your relationship.

As to what you should do in your relationship now, I really can’t say, but, as long as you honestly enjoy each other’s company, and you obviously both care for each other, I’d say do nothing for the moment. Most people don’t wind up truly loving each other for a good while…and even after you make it past that point, then there are moments when you doubt your feelings.

And I agree with what iampunha said completely: you can absolutely think about (both of you), the opposite sex as much as you want, even talk about them if you’re both comfortable with it. Mudshark comment about other attractive people more than we compliment each other, now that I think about it.

To summarize: it’s not necessary to be in love at this point. If you were in your 30’s and had dated for five years, or were married, I’d say different story altogether. But as it is, I’d just hang in there and see how it plays out. If you wind up really caring for him, great; if not, you at least gave it a shot, and you’ll be able to walk away with that in mind.

Best of luck to both of you.

13

IF you dont love him, tell him so, it will make it easier and in the long run, he will appreciate you doing so.

Is XWalrus2 the boyfriend? or did he just do something similiar?

14

Yes, I’m Reuven.

15

There’s an instructive thing I heard once: You will not marry the person you’re dating in high school.

I seriously know of one couple personally who married after starting their dating in high school. Of all the couples I’ve met in my life, I can name you only one in that situation.

I realize that you’re torn up about this. I was torn up at that age, too. Everyone is, pretty much. It’s kind of in the teenage contract. What’s difficult to realize is that it’s not all that important, probably. I know that’s very hard to hear, and I probably wouldn’t have listened either, but the chances that this guy and you would get together later are veeeery small. You’ll both change so much by the time you’re, say, 22, that you probably won’t be on the same page on much of anything.

This is advice from someone who’s not there, but I would back off and let things cool off. I would say this on general principles, even if there weren’t problems.

16

I know of at least four couples; my parents are one of them.

It’s unlikely, certainly, but not impossible; although it might be even less likely today than it was a few decades ago, since we’re waiting a lot longer to get married and start families, etc.

17

Ah sorry XWalrus2, didnt even see your name in the title when I opened this thread first…

Does anyone else find it in really bad taste that this post was posted here, where XWalrus2 will find it? Or even the slightest bit strange??

18

I Googled on “Anger Management Atlanta Georgia” and got thousands of hits. You might try one of them. Several of them seem to indicate they offer sliding-scale fees for people with limited incomes.

Another option might be to ask your high school counselor – they often know of available programs that would be suitable for someone your age.

P.S. Just the fact that you are thinking about this, and are willing to try to do something about it, puts you far ahead of most people in such situations. The usual reaction is to absolutely deny any possibility that there could be anything wrong with me, or that I might need any help. That you’re willing to consider this is a good sign!

19

I find it to be very unusual to say the least. Ever see copies of those ancient maps? On some scantily known lands were vague inscriptions such as “Here there be tygers”.

The OP contained no such warning.

20

Moderator’s Notes:

I wondered about that yesterday when I first read this thread. It looks like you two have some personal issues to resolve. Unfortuantely, that ain’t gonna happen on the SDMB. I’m locking this thread, as I do with all topics of this nature that I run across.