The feelings fallacy

The BBQ Pit
1

I was told today that I was insensitive in the way that I dealt a problem here in our office. This was told to me by an uninvolved subordinate providing me what they thought was constructive feedback. This particular instance in which I was “insensitive” involved the abuse of office phone services, a form of embezzlement, and the offending party had been warned by me on two previous occasions. Nor was it a petty thing, as it had been going on for at least 6 months to the tune of just under $1,000.

So, I got the phone report from IT today, saw that nothing had changed, and I called my manager to let him know what I planned on doing.

Today, I was not nice and understanding or friendly or sensitive when I spoke to the person.

I said “I warned you about this twice before. Nothing has changed. Since you’ve disregarded my warnings the whole thing is coming out of your paycheck, and if it happens again it’s going to be your last one,” and I walked away. No discussion. No argument.

Now this uninvolved third party comes over to help with constructive feedback by telling me that I was insensitive, that the person has problems with family out of the country, and can’t afford to call from home, and really can’t afford to be docked, and finally that the way I chided this person hurt their feelings.

I thanked this person for their feedback, and when she was safely gone, I put my head in my hands.

At what point in time was it that feelings became so important?

I know one thing for sure. Nobody makes you feel anything. How you feel about something is your own personal business and really should be of minimal concern to me, and it is most certainly not my responsibility.

Everybody’s always talking in terms of feelings. “how do you think this will make them feel?” “How would you feel?” “I feel very strongly that…”

We have to be very careful that we don’t piss people off, or offend them, or make them feel bad. We have to be sensitive to other people’s feelings.

I remember during this mandatory training our company had on sexual harassment about how sensitive we had to be.

For example, it is bad to a call a woman a cunt in the workplace. This is bad because it is insensitive. It dehumanizes the person and makes them feel bad.

This is a common misconception. It’s just not true.

The reason it is bad to a call a woman a cunt is not because of how it makes the woman feel. The fact is we don’t know how the woman will feel about it, or how she will let it effect her. That’s up to her.

The reason it is bad is because a person who calls a woman a cunt in the workplace reveals themselves to be vile and stupid.

I think that there is an important distinction here, and it’s one that a lot of people seem to be missing. It leads to a major problem.

Because we are not responsible for other people’s feelings. We are only responsible for own actions and feelings.

This fallacy that somehow we are responsible for other people’s feelings leads to a lot of bitterness and problems.

The most dangerous of these I notice in the failure trend. When something that is supposed to happen fails to happen satisfactorily what I try to find out is the how and why, the reasons or excuses. These things are tangible and can be evaluated and dealt with.

More an more, what I hear are feelings. “I didn’t like it. I didn’t feel like doing it.”

Even valid excuses and reasons are now getting couched in terms of feelings. “I felt it was best to put the project on hold until we had cleared more pressing matters.”

That’s not a feeling. That’s an analytical judgement. BY calling it a feeling you may consider it sacrosanct, and above question. You may identify it as feeling, which therefore I don’t have a right to question, but you are wrong.

You are making a professional judgement, not having a feeling.

We all know that we are supposed to respect feelings. That other people’s feelings are not to be questioned. In this manner feelings become a weapon.

I feel quite certain today that this person felt that I was in error for not respecting his feeling that he should be able to call abroad on the companies tab, during work hours when he is being paid to work.

Apparently at least one other person thought I was insensitive to this feeling.

The fact is that you are not having a feeling that needs to be respected. You are being a fuckup.

And even if you are having a feeling, Guess what? Me too! My feeling is that I don’t give a shit what your feeling is!

I hope of course that you will be considerate and respect my feelings on this.

2

Tell us how you really feel.

b.

3

Feelings are very important unless you personally are not in a position to do anything about them. Then you can just go on working double shifts even though your best friend just died on the operating table.

4

Matt_mcl:

I understand about contexts in which feelings are valid. What I’m ranting about is this tendency people have to insist that their feelings have value and need to be respected in situations where they really don’t apply.

5

Tell the uninvolved third party to mind their own damn business. This situation had nothing to do with them.

The offending party had been warned. If he wants to continue to make phone calls from work, he should pay for them. Too bad if you were insensitive to his feelings. He fucked up. He pays.

I agree with you about “feelings.” I am trying very hard to say, “I think we should do such and such” instead of “I feel we should do such and such.”

6

Not to take away from the main thesis, with which I agree (Feelings? Feh!) but I note the indignation with which you recount the “phone embezzlement” is being posted through the use of company resources during work hours.

7

Maybe people in your office are confusing “feeling” with “stealing”, as in I “steal” I must make calls on the company’s dime". Quite frankly, I feel that you are pretty nice to let $1K of stolen feelings slide. Said thief should be happy they didn’t get shit-canned already.

8

I would agree that consideration for a person’s feelings does not extend to allowing them to steal from the company (or anyone else). But absent such counter-considerations, you should be considerate of others’ feelings, much as you should be considerate of their physical or monetary well-being.

Which is not to say that you are responsible for others’ feelings. But that you should be considerate.

Your suggestions to the contrary (in particular, the notion that you do not call people derogatory names because of reasons unconnected to their feelings) are absurd. (I hope this does not hurt your feelings).

9

What I’m doing on the internet falls within defined and acceptable standards, so it’s different.

10

Did you reprimand this person in private, Scylla?

11

Yes.

12

Hear hear. I think we could all stand to be just a bit more like Red Foreman from That 70’s Show.

13

Scylla, I wholeheartedly agree. I have often encountered this type of thinking in situations where people are in the wrong on an issue that should be totally dispassionate. They whip out the “but I feel…” arguments because they know they’re wrong and have to fight dirty to “win”. It’s using guilt as a weapon, it’s wrong, and it’s incredibly low.

Now that you’ve discovered their strategy, if you’re willing to sink to their level, you can fight fire with fire! Go back to the Telephone Embezzler and, in a choked-up, emotion-laden voice, explain that you feel strongly that he’s stealing from the company, and how it weighs on your mind, and how you just can’t stop from feeling that it’s not right, and how it makes you feel differently towards him now that you know he’s doing this.

Then go to the busybody and tell her that it makes you feel horrible to have to crack the whip on the Embezzler, and that it’s hard for you to do this part of your job, and that she’s making it harder for you because she’s not being understanding of the tough position you’re in.

I personally couldn’t do it without cracking up, but it sounds like such fun to mess with their heads and beat them at their own game.

14

Hmm.

  1. Said stealing employee is damned lucky they were not canned. Damn lucky. Your approach seems tame based on the reactions of many employers I have worked for.

  2. Said busybody employee sounds like a troublemaker or shit-stirrer. Might be time for said employee to be admonished not to involve themselves in private company matters. Additionally, said busybody should be told that their input was not appriciated and they are not a “team-player.” Mention that this will be reflected in their permanent record and reviews. A little soviet style employee motivation. In case doofus hasn’t noticed, there is a recession, and hence plenty of qualified employees that can be hired for LESS then the company pays that moron.

  3. Nobody quoted the lyric’s to that cheesy “Feelings” song yet?

Stunning.

:wink:

15

I tend to agree with Izzy here. You can’t absolve yourself of responsibility if something you say causes someone else to feel bad. It’s a cause and effect thing… remove the cause (a derogatory word, for example) and the effect (a bad feeling) goes away. Shoving all the responsibility for the feelings generated by a derogatory comment onto the receiver is just disingenuous, and frankly more than a little irresponsible. Even you can predict that calling a woman a “cunt,” to use your example, will almost certainly engender some bad feelings (unless that’s her thing). Not calling her a cunt, on the other hand, will not cause any problem at all. Maybe there’s a better word for it? If not, maybe it’s just inappropriate?

I agree that the person who receives communication is resposible for their own feelings. Surely you recognize, however, that the originator of communication is also responsible for what they say, and the effect it is likely to have. You cannot completely absolve yourself of responsibility there, I’m afraid.

Now, in your specific situation I happen to agree with you. Insensitive though it may have been, it was your job to inform the employee of their abuses and their consequences. It could be said that firing someone is an insensitive act as well, but somebody has to do it sometimes… the real question is, are you all right with being insensitive sometimes as part of your job? I gather that you are, and I think that’s fine. Business is not run on sensitivity. Your “helpful” third party co-worker shouldn’t trouble themselves unless it’s part of their job too.

16

Elf:

Actually if I gave the impression that the person was providing me the criticism was being a busybody, that would be wrong.

My management position is kind of weird. There are about 8 of us that are more or less equal. We rotate out of the hotseat as manager every couple of years, basically as the conduit to upper management, or as a managing partner kind of thing at a law firm.

The rest of the employees are operational and support and don’t rotate into management.

The employee I had to chastise was the latter type, who then made the case to one of my quasi-equals, who then supplied me with the constructive criticism.

17

::shrug:: I think I might have told the third party that MY feelings had been hurt by someone’s behavior that forced me to take diciplinary action, after repeated warnings. Maybe let her know that you were saddened, hurt, and disappointed in the employee’s behavior, and YOUR feelings should be considered.

Or, I’d more then likely tell her to bugger off because it’s none of her damned business. Then I’d probably talk to the disciplinee about telling the whole truth when participating in supervisor bashing. Maybe ask her to provide you with some sort of employee handbook from a company that allows long distance calls from work.

What a bizzaro situation.

(In reality, I would have told the nosy employee “Look, I appreciate you coming to me with what you perceive is a problem with my management, but you do not know the whole situation and I’m not at liberty to discuss it with you.”)

Zette

18

Did your quasi-equal provide any constructive advice as to how you might have done better, or only criticism?

19

Oh, I mean to add: I know what you mean about feelings. I like to think that I’m pretty sensitive to feelings, but in the end they’re really not my problem. The last place I worked as a Systems Admin featured a woman who would cry and have tantrums when her job was changed or if you asked her not to do something (not disciplining, but say, reminding about company e-mail policies and such). The first time she had a crying fit over my telling her AGAIN to stop using company resources to send personal e-mails (with attachments, which was the real problem), I told her boss (who was trying to tell me I should walk on eggshells around her) essentially that her outbursts were absolutely not my problem, but network security was.

I do hear ya.

20

Constructive advice, but probably not particularly valid, as she didn’t get the whole picture from the guy, and I didn’t enlighten her.

End result was that she had been approached with a problem, and she had talked to me about it, and presented the other guy’s case as to why I was wrong, as she had probably been asked to do.

I have no problem with this. Her behavior was appropriate. It’s just the whole “feelings” issue.