Fortunately my parents turn on my computer for me so I don’t need to remember that, and I am able to understand every other word in the book.
unfortunately your computer gets a virus ([SH} is the blaster still circulating i know it failed in its attempts to mess up the windows up date but…[/sh]) so you cant use it
Unfortunately, you’re in the middle of a massive blackout and can neither turn your computer on or see the words in your idiot book.
Unfortunately I memorised every word in the book so I no longer need to read it. As for the blackout and the virus…my dad buys me the latest solar-powered supercomputer with all that money I inherited from my great-grandmother and the money I earned selling the three baby golden goats, so it doesn’t matter about the blackout and it doesn’t matter about my old virus-infected computer.
Unfortunately, at that exact moment, there is a total eclipse of the sun, sucking up all your solar power.
Fortunately the eclipse only lasts for a few minutes as it was caused by a very large meteorite passing the sun that just missed the Earth, so sunlight is restored. Besides, if there was a total eclipse, we’d all be dead thanks to norinew.
Unfortunately, RCRacer’s clones who cannot be killed actually wanted everyone else killed, so they could have the planet to themselves; since the eclipse thing didn’t work, they set out to hatch an evil plot to kill everyone else by other, more painful means.
Uuh, I thought we’d cleared up the whole immortal clone thing, fortunately enough. There are no more clones or dead souls or things like that. Unless others want there to be clones and dead souls and so on.
Unfortunately there ARE more… LOTS more!
Fortunately they (the clones) develop a taste for Immortal Clone ™… and solve that problem on their own
Unfortunately, the Immortal Clones™ hold the key to the salvation of the planet, and without them, we are all toast.
Fortunately, sseing that the Immortal Clones™ started eating each other there was still one remaining immortal clone (after all he’s hardly going to eat himself), and so now we don’t need to worry about being toast.
Unfortunately, we do all need to start worrying about being toast. The Lord-High-Toastifyer reigns once more from the mountaintop, and not even the frostiest of us can resist his fiery touch. In but a single, terrifying instant he can transform any living being into slightly singed piece of bread with a delicious coating of melted butter. And jam.
Fortunately there is hope in the form of my immortal clone who is turned into a piece of toast, apread with a delicious coating of melting butter, and jam, and is then eaten by Lord-High-Toastifyer. Seconds later Lord-High-Toastifyer dies of food-poisoning, falls of his mountain top, and is impaled on the jagged rocks below, oh well.
Unfortunately, ETF just happens to wander by this thread as the Lord-HighToastifyer plummets to the jagged rocks. Well, it’s fortunate for the L-H-T, since ETF grabs RCracer and flings him under the toppling Toastmeister, breaking his fall. Not so fortunate for RCracer, and definitely unfortunate for BigDaiv, who slips on a spatter of butter, then slides on the jam over a handy cliff edge.
Fortunately, Horseflesh happens to be grazing in the meadow below, so BigDaiv lands on him and isn’t seriously injured.
Unfortunately, Horseflesh is so startled that he bucks, whirls, and kicks Gmork right in the breadbasket.
Fortunately, norinew is nearby and rushes over to hold Gmork’s head as s/he loses his/her lunch.
Unfortunately, the blown lunch spatters all over verbenabeast, who becomes so outraged as to charge ETF, who has been puttering down the mountainside, utterly unaware of the havoc she’d unleashed.
Fortunately, ETF has claws and knows how to use them, so is able to defend herself against verbenabeast.
Unfortunately, now that the excessively verbose ETF has discovered the “Fortunately/Unfortunately” thread, it grows so large so quickly that the mods decide it must die.
Furtunately, at this point ETF is bonked over the head by desperate Dopers and dragged into a dark corner.
Unfortunately seeing that I went and broke Lord-High-Toastifyer’s fall, he continues to turn everyone into pieces of toast with melted butter and jam, including EddyTeddyFreddy.
Fortunately, RCracer, BigDaiv, Gmork and verbenabeast all survive and fight back, defeating Lord-High-Toastifyer by pulling out his plug.
Unfortunately EddyTeddyFreddy was running remotely from the power generated by Lord-High-Toastifyer, who the team of RCracer, BigDaiv, Gmork and verbenabeast had just unplugged. EddyTeddyFreddy sees a Blue Screen Of Death flash before her eyes, just before falling powerless to the ground.
AHA! Fortunately ETF has a backup battery, which quickly revives her. She staggers to the plug for her Ultra-Mega-Heavy-DutyGeneratoMax™ and powers back up.
Refreshed and Eveready™ for anything, ETF sets out in search of those dastardly scoundrels who have tried to remove her from CyberWorld™ – they will pay for their evil deeds!
Unfortunately, RCracer, BigDaiv, Gmork and verbenabeast, the aforementioned dastardly scoundrels - are morally and spiritually broke and hence cannot ‘pay’ for their evil deeds.
Fortunately, ETF has developed a new extraction technique which is capable of obtaining blood from stones. Armed with her Model 1.0 Exsanguinator™ ETF sets out in search of the miscreant crew.