WHY ARE THE ----s SO STUPID?
BECAUSE THEY ARE! HAW HAW HAW!
It’s funnier if you do this stupid laugh at the end.
And if you’re drunk.
Two guys and a girl get marooned on a desert island.
After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she’s doing that she kills herself.
After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they’re doing that they bury her.
After another week, they’re so ashamed of what they’re doing that they dig her up again.
What’s brown and sticky?
A STICK!
What’s pink and fluffy?
PINK FLUFF!
What’s white and fluffy?
A CLOUD!
A Texan sits down next to a Frenchman on an airplane. When they are in the air the Texan takes off his boots to relax. After a while the Texan says to the Frenchman, “I think ahm gonna get me a beer. You want one, partner?” “Yes. Please,” says the Frenchman.
As soon as the Texan is out of sight the Frenchman picks up one of his boots and spits profusely into it.
The Texan returns and the two enjoy their beers.
At the end of the flight the Texan begins to pull on his boots and he feels a squish. Immediately he realizes what the Frenchman did.
The Texan shakes his head wistfully and says, “I just don’t understand this. Why can’t the people of our two countries just get along? Why the constant animosity? Why must there always be this ‘spitting-in-shoes’, and ‘pissing-in-beers’?”
I feel this is a french joke, but since I did spanish and now I’m doing Japanese I don’t get it.
A guy tries to get in a nightclub but is stopped by the bouncer. “Why can’t I get in?” asks the guy. The bouncer replies, “You have to wear a necktie in here.”
So the guy goes to his car and can’t find a tie. In desperation, he takes a set of jumper cables from his trunk and ties them in a loose knot around his neck.
He approaches the bouncer and asks, “Can I get in now?” The bouncer replies, “Yeah, but don’t start nothin’”.
The joke is that the Texan pissed in the French guy’s beer. I think.
Oui, oui. CadburyAngel is correct. And I believe that it is not a joke about the French or about Texans but about the absurdity of baseless animosity.
I heard a different version of the joke, where a Marine pissed in the cokes that two sailors drank.
A lame oilfield joke.
Three nuns die and queue at the Pearly Gates, and St Peter goes, “You have all lived virtuous lives and will enter the kingdom of heaven, but as a special reward you can each go back as the woman of your choice for a week of hedonism and experience that which you have foresaken all your lives.”
So the first nun goes, “I’ll be Madonna please - the trashy one.” Puff of smoke and off she goes.
The second goes, “I’ll be Angelina Joli please!” Puff of smoke and off she goes.
The last takes a grubby piece of newspaper out of her pocket and reads it saying, “I want to be Sara Pipallini for a week”. “Who?” says St Peter. “Sara Pipallini, like in this news report.”
“Give me that,” says St Peter snatching the scrap of newspaper, reads the headline and starts giggling. “Not Sara Pippalini, Sister. This says Sahara Pipeline laid by Five Hundred Workmen in One Week.”
9? Let’s go metric.
[Miles]What is it with mankind’s need to decimalize everything?[/Miles]
Q10: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A10: 6. 1 to hold the bulb, 1 to hold the ladder and 4 more to stand in each corner of the room and drink 'til the room starts spinning.
For the trifecta
Did you hear about the gay dwarf?
He came out of the cabinet.
(or, how many stereotypes can you cram into one joke?)
Q: How can you tell Asians are moving into the neighborhood?
A: The Mexicans apply for auto insurance.
This is especially funny in SoCal.
A bear and a rabbit are walking thru the forest together. After a while, they both realize they need to “answer the call of nature” so to speak. Well, they are both behind a bush, squating and doing their business when the bear says, “Hey, Rabbit!”. The rabbit repliles, “Yeah, Bear?”. The bears asks, “Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”. The rabbit says, “No.”
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
BCS stands for (illegitimate child) + (crowing rooster) + (Tootsie Pops)
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great Food.
No ATMOSPHERE!!! (rimshot)
Get it!?..Atmosphere?..
[…crickets…]
This is a chestnut that still kills…
A guy is completely obsessed by his small…you know…“manhood.”
He tries pills. He tries diets. He tries all manner of mechanical and electronic devices but nothing works.
Totally miserable, he asks his doctor for advice.
“Well, I know of one surgeon who has developed an experimental surgical technique to address just your problem. He implants cartilage from an elephant’s trunk and the results have been very impressive.”
Long story short, he has the surgery, and on the day the bandages come off, he is sporting an awesome, uh,…“engine of desire.”
To celebrate he and his girlfriend go the fanciest restaurant in town as a prelude to a night of torrid lovemaking.
As they’re sitting at the restaurant, murmuring sweet nothings, the sound of a zipper being undone is heard from under the table, and before his girfriend’s bulging eyes, his…um…“Evinrude” comes snaking out from beneath the tablecloth, wraps around a dinner roll and swiftly darts back under the table.
“WOW!!!,” exclaimed his girfriend…“Do that again!!!”
“I’d love to ,” replied the man with a slight grimace, “but I don’t think my ass can hold another roll.”
Three explorers are lost in the jungle. They get captured by a native tribe and tied to trees.
The chief comes up to the first explorer and tells him that he has a choice “DEATH OR BUNDA?”
The explorer tries to ask what bunda is but the chief cuts him off telling him
“NO TALK MAKE CHOICE.”
The explorer knowing what death is, says “I choose bunda”
All the native men go wild cheering, they untie the explorer and proceed to bend him over a large log where each of the men of the tribe rape the explorer.
The chief then goes to the 2nd explorer and asks “DEATH OR BUNDA?”
The 2nd explorer also chooses bunda.
The natives cheer wildly again and the 2nd explorer is bent over the log and raped.
The chief then goes to the 3rd explorer and asks “DEATH OR BUNDA?”
The 3rd explorer afraid of what will happen says “I choose death”
The natives start cheering with the most gusto yet.
The chief then turns to the tribe and says:
DEATH BY BUNDA!
Two jokes, similar themes:
-
Two drunks exit the bar by the back door, into an alley. There is a dog in the alley, sitting down, hind leg raised, licking his balls.
Drunk 1: Boy, I wish I could do that!
Drunk 2: I think you better pet him first.
Q: Why does a dog lick his balls?
A: Because he can.
Three plastic surgeons attend a convention. As with any profession, there’s a little bit of competitive spirit here, as each wants to outdo the others. They start telling stories about their finest accomplishments.
The first says, “A few years ago, my patient was a man whose fingers had been crushed by a bowling ball. Everyone else said his case was hopeless, but I worked for twelve hours. He went on to become a concert painist.”
The second says, “That’s pretty impressive, but I’ve done even better. A woman came in and both her legs had been crushed in a car wreck. I worked for twenty-four hours, and that woman is now a widely acclaimed ballet dancer.”
The third says, "Well that’s quite an accomplishment, but awhile ago I was attending a rodeo. They were in the middle of a bronco-riding competition when a gas main under the grounds exploded. After the smoke cleared, we ran out there, but all we could find was a cowboy hat and a horse’s ass. I worked for forty-eight hours, and that guy is now the President of the United States.
The funniest joke I ever heard was told by Steve Martin over 20 years ago at one of his concerts
He comes out and does his schick(Excuuuuuse meeee stuff) then the lights go down and after the crowd he starts talking softly
Argh!
Hang on I accidently hit submit