the hardest letter I'll never send

The BBQ Pit
1

Do you understand that none of the things you do that hurt me have anything to do with our divergent levels of committment? Most- if not all- of them have more to do with just plain old not being nice or thoughtful sometimes.

I’m sorry you think it can all be traced to “I am confused about my life and don’t know if I want to be committed right now” but i feel like the only thing i ever asked of you in any steadfast non-negotiable way was that you be a bit more thoughtful, I don’t want your everlasting love, I just want you not to do shit like cheat on me, fall thru on promises and committments, and jerk me around.

Its NOT about who loves who more, cuz I will love you more as long as it takes, I have no problem with that. What I have a problem with is feeling like i bend over backwards to be there for you when you need me (which I’ve always done happily and with love for you) and then in return, I get these emotional bitch slaps the likes of which i wouldn’t even visit on a passing acquaintence.

If you want to think this is about something other than me asking you to be nice, fine, but its not. I don’t have any lifetime commitments to you. the only thing I wanted was to stay together until you were a little more stable and happy and grounded, in the hopes that it would turn out that our problems weren’t with eachother, but with life. I didn’t want to walk away during the storm. I wanted to be there until you came out of it, then take a serious look at ourselves and make a rational decision. You’ve slid so far from the thoughtful beautiful passionate girl i fell in love with that I’ve been unable to deal with this in any other way than to hope you were truly not yourself and that gfiven patience and love, I (and the world) would see that girl again. I was trying to give you the benifit of the fucking doubt. I still am.

If you plan to live your life anything other than completely alone, or at arms length from humanity, you’ll get further with a little more thoughfulness. I’ve seen you do it, but this latest incident makes it hard for me to think anything other than: no matter how hard you try, when you take off your makeup, you really are a selfish spoiled person, either that or you are trying to give me the “fuck off” hint in unequivocal terms but you don’t actually have the balls to say it.

I never want to see the person you are right now again. Have the loving girl give me a call when she’s gonna be around for a while.

Chris

2

I don’t know how others will respond to this, nor do I know what events lead to this… but my gut response is that maybe you should send this letter!

Of course, only YOU can judge that.

If your SO is making you this miserable, then perhaps it is time for a wake-up call for her. Life is too short to allow yourself to be unhappy…

(Disclaimer: The above is advice from a person who is probably even more fucked up than the norm! Take the advice at your own risk!)

3

A beautiful letter.
I suggest you wait a few days, then re-read this to see if you still fell that way, and, if you do, send.

(And, omg, I just got a peek at senility. I spelled beautiful as beuatiful… no big deal, typo… but when I went to fix it, I couldn’t remember how it’s spelled for a sec. Whoa. Creepin’ me out, even for 4 a.m.)

4

If she was once loving, then maybe by showing this letter to her you may finally get through to her.

If this doesn’t shake some sense into her, then I’d say that the girl you fell in love with and want back is gone forever.

Based on this letter, I’d say you deserve much better than this girl could ever hope to be.

5

Dude, did you NOT read the pit thread imploring readers to learn the difference between “its” and “it’s?”

Under normal circumstances, I don’t mention spelling errors because it’s petty and because communication is not usually hindered by an occasional spelling error. However, since people are actually advising you to SEND this letter, and you’ve already said she was bitchy and thoughtless… not to mention that she might pass it around to her friends…

So here goes:

P1 and P2 - “commitment” with one “t” after the “i.”

P3 “–” or “.” before “I have no problem with that.”

P2 - Period or semi-colon after “thoughtful.”

P3 and P4 - “It’s” to mean “it is.”

P3 - “acquaintance” not “acquaintence.”

P4 - commas between “thoughtful, beautiful and passionate.”

P4 - “benefit” not “benifit.”

P5 - “Live your life any WAY” rather than “live your life anyTHING.”

P5 - “arm’s length” not “arms length.”

**
Enough of that.

Don’t know what she did to deserve this wrath or what your relationship was like, but I’d think long and hard before sending a letter basically calling her a calloused bitch. Do you want to preserve this relationship or end it?

Or perhaps my response should be: I’d think long and hard about staying with a person who continually acted so callously that I’d feel compelled to send such a letter.

Good luck!

6

A) Don’t send the letter. People who need a “wake-up call” like that, aren’t going to be able to receive it. Character is action.

B) Follow the advice you received, and apparently ignored, some months ago.

7

Ditto.
And PunditLisa, go pound sand.

8

well… as pointed out by Drastic, yeah, i should have listened to you guys… the heart does wierd things ya know?

She was the first girl i’ve ever lived with, it was amazing at first, till around last september, then the cheating incident happened. but we got past it, then a lot of other shit went down over the couse of the six months thereafter. The lasted issue, to which i referred in the OP, is her deciding to move to Toronto for a short time to figure her life out a little bit. her dad has an extra apartment and is starting a new business so he asked her to come up and work for him. She’s been there two weeks. I was geting along ok, but still hoping she’d come home, but not pushing the issue.

She calls me friday night, near tears, and says she wants to come home and that she missed me terribly. I said, fine, but don’t rush it, hang out for a bit and make sure you feel good about it. She asks if i am free next weekend cuz she wants to buy me a ticket to visit her for her Birthday (next sunday). I get excited and say of course, I look up cheap flights, forward the link to her, and wait to hear back.

9

well… as pointed out by Drastic, yeah, i should have listened to you guys… the heart does wierd things ya know?

She was the first girl i’ve ever lived with, it was amazing at first, till around last september, then the cheating incident happened. but we got past it, then a lot of other shit went down over the couse of the six months thereafter. The lasted issue, to which i referred in the OP, is her deciding to move to Toronto for a short time to figure her life out a little bit. her dad has an extra apartment and is starting a new business so he asked her to come up and work for him. She’s been there two weeks. I was geting along ok, but still hoping she’d come home, but not pushing the issue.

She calls me friday night, near tears, and says she wants to come home and that she missed me terribly. I said, fine, but don’t rush it, hang out for a bit and make sure you feel good about it. She asks if i am free next weekend cuz she wants to buy me a ticket to visit her for her Birthday (next sunday). I get excited and say of course, I look up cheap flights, forward the link to her, and wait to hear back.

When I finally hear back from her, the next day, she’s changed her mind and has booked a flight to DC for the weekend to see her best friend from college instead. She just decided she would be uncomfortable seeing me so soon, and with us staying in her dad’s condo. :rolleyes:

So here i am, surrounded by the apartment we picked out together, pictures and mementoes, her books, her clothes on the bedroom floor, her cats constantly pawing at me for attention, and nobody i feel comfortable crying to. So i’ve been sitting here crying to myself.

Whatthefuck?

I feel like a fucking idiot. I waited so long and had so many relationships that didn’t quite make sense, until i find a girl who i really think is potentially “it” and it takes me a fuckin’ YEAR to see what is really happening. I’m mad at myself for falling for her, and mad at her for letting herself fall apart like she has.

I just changed jobs from theatre (I’m an audio geek) to a more corporate 9-5 thing (sold out, had to happen eventually) so a huge chunk fo my social life has been washed away, none of my friends are available when I am anymore, they all work exclusively nights and weekends. So I’ve been at home all weekend, feeling sorry for myself, like an asshole. I want to go out and meet peopel but i hate the idea of being that guy alone at a concern, or a coffee shop.

The good news is that thanks to this job, I can theoretically afford to keep the apartment by my self. Its a great space and I don’t wantto move, but on the other hand, memories and what not.

Thank you guys for listening and responding. this is actually becoming more of a MPSIMS than a rant, so if we need to move it, thats cool, I just had to share.
Chris

10

The hardest letter I never sent was the one I wrote with my finger in drying concrete.

rimshot

11

And you didn’t come to ChiDope to meet a ton of cool people who live near you because…

It sounds like your relationship with this girl has reached its expiration date. Her life being messy is not an excuse for treating you badly and jerking you around. She may not know what she wants. She may legitimately need time to figure out what she needs. But you shouldn’t be living your life around her problems, insecurities, and uncertainties. Maybe it’s time to pack her things and ask her where you should ship them?

12

furt, my spelling corrections were offered in the event that Bad was going to actually write out a letter to his SO and send it, as others advised him. If it was a love letter, I’d say leave it just as is. But “Fuck Off” letters? Oh, no. They have to be perfect… so as not to leave yourself open to ridicule. Maybe I’m anal retentive (okay, okay, I AM anal retentive) but the advice was kindly meant.

Bad, so sorry to hear that your relationship has gone sour. I’d give you a whole bunch of cliches that are invariably true, but I’m sure you’ve heard them all. Good luck to you.

13

Bad Hat, things will get better… just give it time… a lot of time…

If I were you, I’d either seriously consider looking for a new place, or at the very least rearrange your furniture. Ya know maybe throw something out you didn’t like and replace it, or do something drastic to make at least part of it seem like a new place.

It’ll really do wonders, even a little thing like moving around your sofa and kitchen table and what not, it’ll make the place seem different.

Head on out, even if it isn’t with your friends, go out to the mall, indulge in a movie or two. Just get out around other people. It doesn’t matter if you’re sitting your ass down in a coffee shop reading a book for an hour or two, or plunking your ass down and having a rowdy good time at a movie or a play.

I don’t reccomend taking time off unless you plan on spending most or all of a day with some friends doing stuff and hanging out.

Best of luck and I hope things get better soon!

14

Just one CJ to another here, but I am sorry.

It is possible to go through major life changes and confront demons without being cruel. It’s a shame your friend has chosen not to do that. Please remember that these are her choices, not yours, and there may be nothing you can do about them. Whether she learns from them or not is out of your control. Yeah, I hate to hear that, too. The sad fact is, there are simply some people who seem to be intent upon making the biggest mess of their lives they possibly can. I know – I’ve got a friend who’s doing the same thing.

Hang in there, and stay in touch.

Oh, and grimspectre, mine was with a diamond-tipped pen!
[ducks and runs]
CJ
(Somebody had to do it!)

15

So, she took off, leaving you with the cats to look after, PLUS she left her dirty old clothes on the floor??? For you to clean up??? She sounds like a spoiled, selfish little girl. Do you think that you would really enjoy spending the rest of your life with someone this inconsiderate? What an irresponsible person she is. She was careless with the welfare of her companion kitties, and she has been careless with your heart.

Hat, I know how much this hurts, but it doesn’t seem to be getting better, does it? Cut your losses, you are still very young, and there is a big wide world out there to be discovered! Go outside tomorrow, breathe in the springtime air, look for the first robin of the season, and know that your life can begin again.
From one who’s been there…

16

Send the letter, but leave off the last line. Pack up her stuffd and send it to her via UPS.

The ‘loving girl’ was a figment of your imagination. You have attributed qualities to her that you would like her to have. Probably because she’s pretty. She’s poison to you, and now you know it.

Send the letter, and change your phone number to an unlisted one. If you see her on the street, run away.