I once had a cut from one end of my foot to the other end. It hurt.
I’m following your lead. 
My cellphone has Depeche Mode ring tones.
I once climbed into a public water fountain and stole the change at the bottom- of course I was really young and stupid at the time 
I have an empty water bottle on my desk… Except, seeing as it’s empty, shouldn’t it be called a bottle of air? And why do we say things are ‘empty’ when they’re obviously full of air?
My dog has worms.
My cat’s breath smells like cat food.
I once had a dog that ate gummy worms. So I could say I had a dog who had worms.
I like pie.
I would not eat green eggs and ham…
You know, I woke up this morning thinking that I really did need to get around to writing that essay that would bring peace to the Mideast.
But then my dog licked my face and I realized I had to take him for a walk, and by the time I got back I had forgotten what I was going to write about.
My son and I finished off a three-pound jar of peanut butter in the last month.
I like Santa Claus
Why do old dogs have such stinky faces?
That’s incredible I once dressed as santa claus because my ex was really into white haired fat men with white beards!
I have a headache
Oops I should have previewed. Speaking of previews has anyone seen the preview for Jason X?
I have a headache as well kiki.
me too
I gotta pee.