This morning, I drove to my friends’ house to pick up their almost 4 year old daughter around 7:45am. I do this M-F because it helps me out ($) and it helps them out with a sitter. It’s not glamorous, it’s not fun but it helps out my own kiddo with socialization and as I mentioned, I get something, too.
This morning I grabbed tons of gear for bathing my kid, clothes for her and myself (I had planned a shower, which I’ve done at their house every so often to save time), extra food, and toys. This is what I do on Fridays since my angel’s music therapy is RIGHT DOWN THE ROAD. It takes me 5-7 minutes to get there from their house. It helps to save time. But not today… oh no.
The husband (my pals are a married couple) asks me to take the kids back to my house so he can clean. stare
I stare because I’m not sure he’s serious (he’s a known jokester) but he is and my day turns to crap. No phone call to let me know plans have changed or to even ask me if this will interrupt my plans in any way. No dropping off his child at my house to help me out at all. Not a word until I get there; bags of gear/clothes/food/toys in hand.
I thought friends were supposed to be considerate, possibly helpful in these basic situations but I’m starting to feel that I’m being taken for granted. I even clean up around my friends’ house, not because I’m supposed to but because I’m nice. I rarely get a “thank you”. More often than not, I get criticism. And always after the fact. He does not tell me specifics until I do something incorrect. Then I’m the bad guy. These people are my friends or so I thought. The wife isn’t so picky as the hubby, she’s thrilled I help out so much. But then again, she didn’t call me this morning either. I was livid as I drove off, back to my house. I had to rush through showers, breakfast, and getting two 4 year olds out the door again so I could make the appointment. I was late.
I will say that I get invited to dinner a lot of the time but it’s not like he is going that much out of his way since he already makes a ton of food. I get to use one of their cars but it’s got no air and I put gas in each week. I know it’s a lame rant but I really don’t feel I’m considered a true friend. That is what hurts, that’s what pisses me off. I feel like the help most of the time, sometimes no better than a peon. Am I wrong to be upset? Yes, I am asking for opinions…
The jelly was spilled after the hubby caught my daughter’s cold pack while he was cleaning. He couldn’t catch both that and the jelly jar. When I put the pack in the fridge, it was stable but… again, I’m in the wrong :rolleyes:. The pack was open and the milk rolled out, hence he couldn’t catch both items. I don’t feel bad at all. So what, buy more jelly. I say it’s karma for this morning. If that makes me mean, too bad.
Oh, sorry you had such a bad morninging, SanguineSpider. However, it seems to me they’ve stopped regarding you (or at least treating you) so much as a friend, but more as an employee. And it sounds like he’s probably an @sshole boss.
SanguineSpider, it really seems to me like you’re being taken advantage of. Husband needs a clue or two about working around three people’s schedules instead of just his own; perhaps you can recruit the wife for this purpose. If she really thinks you’re being a great help, more than likely she’ll go to bat for you with the husband if you’re honest with her about the situation.
Failing that, you need to lay down the law. “I’m glad to help out, but the situation is becoming messy and we need to set up some ground rules. I don’t want to be the wicked witch here, but if we can’t reach an agreement I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to find another sitter for your child.”
The reason I ask is because I don’t think these people are considering you a friend any more. They’re clearly treating you like and employee (and not a particularly valued employee, either, IMHO).
I suppose if the $$ is good, then you can just suck it up and deal.
However, if they’re just throwing a few bucks your way I think I would tell them that my services were no long available.
The money isn’t great for what I have to deal with (8 year old boy has violence issues and emotionally handicapped behaviors) but when you don’t have many options, it helps. I’ve already told the wife that I’m not doing this babysitting gig come end of summer (trying to get into school) and she’s cool with it. She hasn’t stopped being friendly, even when I’ve talked to her about hubby’s criticisms and she says he does this sort of thing to her. I bite back my responses to try and keep the peace, which she does, too. She has told me several times that I’m doing a great job, has told me “thank you” more than hubby.
The last babysitter was a real piece of work and perhaps hubby thinks I’ll do the same shit she did. I’m sorry… I have ethics (I don’t steal) and a real concern for a child’s welfare. I think my record thus far has proven me quite trustworthy.
I’d like to continue being friends, if I can. Other than this situation, times together with married couple and my SO, are fine… we have a lot of fun. I game with these people, which is something I truly enjoy. I spoke to the wife today and told her about my morning (minus the choice language) and she felt badly. I know, at least, she isn’t callous. He really isn’t either usually but there are times when I just wanna point out that I can’t read his mind and that his tone of voice reminds me of dear ol’ da. I failed to mention that this guy is 45 and the rest of us are in our early thirties. My SO has had issues with him, too. Logically, I know he’s not singling me out but sometimes it feels that way.
My problem is I’m too nice for my own good at times. I have to work on that.
My wife is always driving her neices all over the place. It is nothing for my sister-in-law to call from work and say, “You keep the kids tonight, I’m going to the bar”
More than once this has ruined plans my wife and I had made.
She won’t tell her sister no because she’s afraid she’ll stop taking my stepson.
Not that it’s any of my business but were I a parent I wouldn’t want my kid left with someone who prioritizes getting her drunk on over the welfare of her own child.
Granted, he could have been a lot more considerate but you sound a little ungrateful yourself. They are helping you out when you are in need of extra money by letting you watch their daugher, feeing you and your child (I am assuming) supper, and letting you use one of their automobiles.
Diane: It’s a two-way street. I am helping them out because they know of no one else who they can totally trust to watch (and care about) the kids and they help me out with some cash. They could afford daycare which costs quite a bit these days but they don’t want to pay that much. Like I mentioned before, the husband makes a ton of food so it’s not a huge effort to invite me to stay for dinner (my daughter is super picky when it comes to food so I bring her meals with me and I also bring food items from home for myself for lunch). The 4 year old girl, who doesn’t go to school, gets to eat at least one meal at my house so there is some reciprocation on the food. I also pay for the gas I use when driving their car. It’s not like I ask for extra cash to do so.
I don’t really sweat the small stuff but he could have called to see what my plans were that morning. They know full well my daughter has therapies and school during the week that are vital to her welfare. That’s all I wanted, just a call to consider everyone’s plans. I don’t mind driving the kiddos around so much, even without ac, but that lack of consideration took time out of getting my daughter bathed and ready for therapy. I was late. That’s why it matters to me.
“Pick up”? That makes it sound like you weren’t planning to stay (long enough to shower or whatever), just grab the kid and leave. Was the husband expecting you to leave immediately, instead of staying around? You say “this is what I do on Fridays” like it’s a regular thing; but perhaps he doesn’t realize this is your Friday routine, or it slipped his mind? Could this be a case where, even though there was no explicit agreement, you assumed you’d be able to do something just because you’d done it in the past? Would it have been reasonable for you to call ahead of time and make sure your assumption was correct?
Here’s the first question I had upon reading this: after stareing, did you say anything? Did you ask him if maybe he could clean later, or if you could stick around long enough to shower before running your kid to music therapy, or something like that? Is this a matter of him refusing a reasonable request, or of him not complying with your unstated wishes?
It’s har to tell, without knowing more about the situation and the people involved. It might just be one of those things where the universe doesn’t arrange itself for our convenience and so we look around for someone to blame. So it might be reasonable to be upset but not to be mad at them. Or they might indeed be taking you for granted. If they’re looking at things based on their own convenience and what they’re getting out of it, well, that’s pretty much human nature. It doesn’t always come naturally to think about the other person’s convenience, needs, and feelings, and some people have to work harder at it than others. But I hope this isn’t a variation on the old women’s complaint of “He should read my mind and know what I want and give it to me.”
What AIW said. You need to define your relationship. Being both a friend and (essentially) a hired hand/babysitter is a difficult balance to maintain. I think you need to speak to hubby directly if you have an issue with him. Complaining to your friend afer the fact and hoping she will take up your cause is generally not an effective strategy, and tends to irritate people…
Could it be the hubby is a passive/agressive and no matter what you do, he would always find fault? You can never please those type of personalities, no matter how hard you try.
Just ignore the jerk for what he is, at least you won’t have to put up with him after the summer has ended. Just think of it this way, you can walk away from him, his wife is stuck with having to deal with him and the 8 year old.
I’ve spent the night a couple of times and used the shower. After a night of gaming (D&D), when my SO and I were too tired to drive home, we stayed over and used the shower the next day before the four of us went out to eat. That kind of thing isn’t so unusual. I’ve bathed my daughter over at their house and bathed their daughter at mine. Also, if their daughter takes a nap during the time mine is in school, I’ve been told to try and catch some sleep myself (which I don’t do).
I don’t expect anyone to read my mind, btw. I’ve told them both my schedule various times. They know my daughter has a busy week, every week. We discuss her improvements, her achievements, and the goals she’s working on in said therapies all the time. This isn’t out of the blue or a one time deal. I do realize it’s hard to clean with kids wanting to play or wanting attention. I would have just liked a call and I don’t think it’s too much to ask. I’ve given them both my home phone number, they’ve called for other reasons before. I have talked to the husband, I didn’t expect the wife to bring this up for me. I spoke to her first because I had to pick her up from work a few days and I saw her first. I even started the conversation with, “Is it me or does he do this with everyone?”.
I’m trying to understand how his mind works. I think I’ve gone out of my way to make everything convenient for all of us, to be nice when I’m criticised, and clear about my daughter’s schedule. All I can do is keep repeating what I’ve already said.
