The jokes that go with the punch lines in the punch line thread thread.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

By popular demand I am opening this thread so that anyone who put a joke in the punch line thread can put the whole joke here, if they like.

“Rectum? Damn near killed him!” has been covered in at least two places recently. I also contributed jokes from what I call “The Monk Series”:

A guy joins a very restrictive order of monks. He is only allowed to say one sentence every ten years. After ten years in the order, his day arrives when he can say a sentence. He says “My bed is too hard”.

Ten more years pass, his twentieth anniversary in the order arrives. On that day, his one sentence is “I hate the food”.

Ten more years pass. His 30th anniversary in the order arrives. Finally, on that day he says “I can’t take it anymore, I quit”.

“I’m not surprised” says the Abbot. “You’ve been complaining since you got here!”

Anyone? Anyone?

2

A man walks into a bar. In the middle of the room there’s an ornate fountain. The man goes up to the bar and asks the bartender, “What’s with the fountain?”

The bartender replies, “It’s a wishing fountain. You throw in a quarter and it gives you your wish.”

“Do it actually work?”

“Yeah, but it’s kinda quirky.”

“What the hell, I’ll take a chance,” and he throws in a quarter and makes a wish.

For a while, nothing happens. “Are you sure this thing works?”

“Oh yeah, sometines it takes a few minutes.”

The guy pulls out a cigarette and asks for a light. The bartender reaches under the bar and oulls out an enormous lighter and lights the guy’s smoke.

All of a sudden thousands of ducks appear out of nowhere. They’re on the bar, the stools, the floor, and every other surface in the bar.

“What the hell…” the bar patron asks.

"Lemme guess, you wished for a million bucks, right?

“Yeah, how did you know?”

“Well, you don’t think I wished for a 12 inch Bic, do ya?”

3

Aw, man.

That joke is funnier with the 12 inch pianist.

4

Can we do requests? I want to hear the jokes to:

“Hey, I rang the doorbell didn’t I?”
“I just saw my wife, and she was on a skateboard!”
“I don’t know - the last thing I remember is the monkey trying to get the cork back in.”
and
“A six-pack can’t satisfy eight men at once.”

5

I have a suggestion for this thread. Since everybody posting to the other thread with punchlines seemed to have a pretty good grasp of the world of jokes and their variety, maybe it would work better if just the ones that nobody (or very few) knows get posted here.

In other words, copy the punchline from the other thread if you want the whole joke. Otherwise, we’re liable to see a lot of jokes here that everybody already knows.

I’m pretty sure most of the ones I posted are in the “everybody already knows that one” category, so I won’t be posting any of mine here unless somebody specifically asks for it.

If you do copy/paste punchlines, be sure to credit who posted it so that person will know to reply with the whole joke.

6

NoCoolUserName, you must have read my mind, since we posted at almost the same time.

Needless to say, I like your idea! :smiley:

7

It would also be fun if people picked a punchline at random that they know the joke to, and posted the joke without the punchline, so you have to try and match them up.

Oh never mind. Here’s a couple for NoCoolUserName (found via google):

8

Shade I think you reversed the punch lines for those two jokes. Either that or I am incredibly dense.

If you folks want to try your ideas be my guests. I don’t care how the jokes get in here as long as people enjoy them. In my experience a lot of people don’t do vanity searches so they may not open the thread if you post their user name.

Monk series, part II:

Three guys join an even more strict order of monks. In this one, only one of them can say one sentence every ten years. Every day for 10 years they get up, eat oatmeal for breakfast, say their prayers silently, wear hair shirts or whatever it is monks do, etc etc. At their ten year anniversary the first guy says “I hate oatmeal”.

Ten more years go by. Oatmeal every morning, prayers, maybe some copying of texts. Finally at the twenty year anniversary the second guy can say one sentence. He says “I like oatmeal”.

Ten more years. More oatmeal every day, more prayers, etc. Finally their thirty year anniversary arrives, time for the third guy to say his one sentence. He says “I am sick and tired of this constant bickering!”

Zeldar you might be surprised what jokes other people do and don’t know.

9

And I was incredibly dense. I didn’t get either of them until LL helped me.

10

Here’s one of my five that’s rather obscure; I wrote it myself.

Two old farmers, a-settin’ on the porch.
“Gabe,” says one, “between the two of us, we have heard just about every sheep-humping joke them danged city fellers cared to tell.”
“I reckon that’s true, Lem. But y’know what really honks me off? Geese!”

I’ll wait for requests on the other four.

11

OH! :smack: I couldn’t figure out why they made no sense. Now they do. :slight_smile:

12

A guy goes in to visit his doctor because he has been unable to achieve an erection for nearly a year.

The doctor, after examining him, said “You seem to have experienced some nerve damage. I’m afraid you’ll never have an erection again”. The man was devastated by this. He said “Doc, this can’t be. Isn’t there something you could do”?

After thinking for awhile the doctor replies “Well, there’s an experimental procedure in which we could attach the trunk of a baby elephant in place of your penis, it’s been fairly succesful in several test cases. Now, of course its not a real penis but you would actually be amazed at the dexterity which an elephant trunk can exhibit, and the real upside is that you would be hung like a hor…well…a baby elephant”.

The man pondered this for a moment and then he said “I’ll do it doc, I can’t stand the thought of never being able to pleasure my beautiful wife again, it’s just more than I could bear”.

A week later the operation is performed and the doctor informed him that everything had gone as planned. He said “Allow yourself several weeks for the skin grafts to heal, and then you should be able to give your new penis a test run”.

A month later everything seemed to have healed quite well so the man made reservations for him and his wife at a fancy restuarant.

As they were eating dinner he felt a strange stirring in his pants. Well, he thought, it seems like all is going well down below. A few minutes later he was feeling even more pressure inside his pants. In fact it was beginning to feel quite uncomfortable so he discretely unbuttoned his trousers and loosened his fly just a bit. A moment later, to his total disbelief, his new penis sprang forth from his pants, grabbed a dinner roll, and disappeared back into his pants.

His wife looked stunned for a moment and then said with a sly smile, “That was amazing, do you suppose you could do that again?” To which her husband replied “Well, I think so honey, but I’m not sure I could fit another roll up my butt.”

13

But it made them twice as funny!

14

Here are a few complete lightbulb jokes from the other thread:

How many New Agers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to hold the lightbulb and 19 the share in the experience.

How many real men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None–real men aren’t afraid of the dark!

How many Deadheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one–but he has to follow it around for twenty years till it burns out.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
That’s not funny.

15

Another lightbulb jokes:

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A purple fish.

And, of course, the one that started it all:

How many [insert name of particular ethnic group being denigrated because of their supposed stupidity] does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five–one to hold the bulb and four to turn the chair around.

Like AskNott, I’ll do my others only if requested.

16

I like that one.

Monk series, part III:

Another guy, a different order of monks. In this one, every morning at breakfast the Abbot chants “Morning!” and all the other monks must reply “Morning!”. At dinner, the Abbot chants “Evening!” and all the other monks reply “Evening!”. This goes on for years, “Morning!” in the morning, “Evening!” in the evening.

Finally the guy can’t take it anymore and decides to shake things up a bit. The next morning when the Abbot chants “Morning!” and everyone else responds “Morning!” the one guy instead chants “Evening!”.

The room is silent. The Abbot looks around sternly and then says “Someone chanted ‘Evening!’”

You see, you have to do it to the tune of “Some Enchanted Evening”. It works better if you hear it.

17

There was a young parson named Bings,
Who talked about God and such things;