It would be nice if you say where you’re from, or at least where you picked up the ritual. All I’ve got are guy rules that apply to grown men, or people who wish to be perceived and treated as grown men. I’ve seen my boys get worked up over “bro code” stuff, but I think those rules are different and based more in ego and insecurity as opposed to default deference and respect. Happy to be schooled, however. I’m not being intentionally sexist, I just don’t know women rules. I would be curious to know what they are if they exist. As with all rules, there are practical exceptions. Let’s not “What about” this one to death, but if you disagree with a rule it would be cool to hear some reasoning.
You stand up when you shake someone’s hand. And don’t bother reaching if you’re not going to try to make eye contact. You are well within your rights to ignore (or look at and look away from, in truly egregious cases) a hand extended by an able bodied man who is sitting. (Eastern Washington State)
Sunglasses come off when you: 1) meet a stranger (at the drive thru, asking for directions, buying a movie ticket, etc.) 2) go indoors (got that one from Dad who was a St. Louis native)
At meals you sit last, are served last, and start last. This obligation is immediately surrendered to an elder or higher rank who exercises it, but you stay as close to last as possible. (Rural Mississippi & Military)
Take your hat off when you’re indoors, or else get back outdoors. This one absolutely makes my blood boil, and I have no idea why. (Western Washington, Colorado, Military–evidently not a thing in rural Georgia)
Yeah, I’m basically blind without my glasses so they aren’t coming off. Me being able to see you at all > you being able to see my eyes. That said I currently have big sunglasses that go over my normal glasses and those come off when I go indoors, but back when I used prescription sunglasses the only time I got yelled at for using them was by an American here in Finland. I told her if she wants me to switch to normal glasses she can go walk the 3 km to where they are and bring them to me but I’m not going to be blind just for her amusement.
Somebody breaks that taboo. I have made a conscious decision that that someone is going to be me. I have been at too many parties where a Buffet is opened and everyone stands there staring hungrily at it because no one is willing to go first. Also at the end near the deserts there is always this pie or cake that is untouched because no one wants to be the first one to take a slice.
I finally decided that as a public service for the good of my fellow man I would give in to gluttony. There also may be a bit or rebellion against my dad (Nebraskan Native) who will absolutely insist that he be the very last person in a buffet line.
A human arm is a remarkable appendage that can bend, twist, and extend. The combination of the three allows for a large degree of flexibility. So (as a general rule) standing cannot possibly be an issue of practicality.
Quite the opposite, actually. It takes longer to stand and then shake hands than it does to simply shake hands. And some people have mobility issues that makes standing at least a little bit difficult.
The only thing I can think of is that standing is somehow viewed as some sort of symbolic equality thing. But I don’t know why or how. Nobody has ever attempted to explain this one to me.
I think people are misunderstanding the last to eat thing.
You are last if you are the higher ranking individual.
It’s a symbol of taking care of those under you first.
In private it’s a symbol you are the provider and putting others before you. Usually the patriarch in a given scenario.
It’s just giving your full attention.
Handshakes were originally to be initiated by the person of higher status. Standing basically indicated you’re ready to take orders. Sitting would have indicated you’re uncooperative.
I think it held out more as a sign you’re ready to work together.
Historically just standing was a sign of respect too, like when a lady ( or officer) entered or left a room. Showed you were willing to interrupt your activity to take notice of someone and commonly signifies a change in expected behavior in their presence.
I understand these rules and agree with some of them (especially hats!), but the status thing bothers me. I have consciously fought for my entire life against giving automatic status to anyone due only to their position. I also don’t expect anyone else to grant status to me based anything except their own evaluation and respect for my qualities as a person. This doesn’t mean I feel free to be rude to anyone, common politeness is different from granting status.
As for standing for a handshake, my knees cause me a certain amount of pain every time I stand up, so I would probably settle for apologizing for not standing while I stick out my hand to shake. I hope you would not view that as disrespectful.
Eat whatever is put on your plate.
( I’m a fan)
Never be alone with an attached woman.
(Also a fan generally)
Never get anything out of a woman’s purse even if she asks you to.
( Also a fan)
Some of those were so engrained they led to logical fallacies or at least people questioning the matter.
Being asked to grab someone’s cigarettes from the side pocket of their purse they were sticking out of it and returning with the entire purse.
I had a group of friends , we all hung out a lot at one guys house in particular. I’d occasionally be asked to come over and get the fire ready or whatever and it happened to be before he got home. It was eventually noticed I’d refuse to come if I weren’t bringing another female friend or he wasn’t there or there wasn’t a group there already.
He actually talked to me about it. Saying it was fine and he trusted us and it’s usually like 15 minutes anyhow and why did i do that?
Simple answer ,just how I was raised. No matter anything else, it avoids all scenarios of even the slightest thought something could happen.
Ironically i think it actually made him suspicious i was attracted to her where he never would have been and I wasn’t.
Definitely not for me. I think it is the duty of the host to make sure the food you serve to people is acceptable to them. That’s why I’d always ensure a meal for guests is on a “help yourself” basis.
Would never even stop to think that this was an issue. A fair chunk of my professional life has seen me doing that.
I think it would be rude not to do it, particularly if she asks you.
I’m from the UK if that makes any difference.
I always stand to shake hands, too. I don’t recall being taught to, just that it seemed like it was what you did. Also, if I’m wearing gloves, I usually take off my right glove to shake hands. Does anyone else do this, or am I a weirdo? This also seems like something I just sort of picked up as good etiquette. Sometimes the person I’m shaking with does it, too, but maybe they’re just humoring me.
How is refusing to eat not offensive to the host? I mean, if I worked hard to provide a table full of delicious food, I’d be pissed of if everyone there just stood around looking at it.
Edit: in retrospect, you’re from the Midwest, so I guess delicious food isn’t really an option.
I eat everything happily so I’m good with that. Some people are crazy over this. I’ve known kids who were sick because mom accidentally used baking soda in place of flour and dad made them eat it because it was put on their plate.
The attached woman thing I’ve generally extended to women or girls or most kids in general. It was also a general rule in military training. These days it’s basically self protection…you simply can’t be reasonably accused of any bad activity.
If I’m alone with a female it’s usually because we want privacy. Though I make plenty of exceptions, I still avoid it unnecessarily.
Mom even explained that it’s easy for a girl being abused or a woman cheating or whatever to blame someone who’s not really close to the situation to avoid associated drama if it comes up, or to keep someone from getting in trouble who they care about.
The purse thing I just find convenient anyhow. They are generally a clustered mess with no organizational system and if there is one it only makes sense to her. So good luck. I’d rather just hand it over and let her dig in there anyhow.