I also say not to include her in your talk with your mom - my feeling on why she wants to be included is so she can give her side of the story, but that’s not really relevant between you and your mom - your mom will most likely be on your side no matter what your wife says. I agree, too, that your mom needs to be able to talk freely with you.
Poor mom, being parachuted into all this. Bad planning to have her there during the break-up.
Seems rather manipulative from STBX, deliberately setting up a situation this messy and ugly, especially during the holidays.
Hey Leaffan, hope your holidays are… well not totally sucky, and all the best.
Leaffan, I’m not convinced that the news is best kept until the end of your mother’s stay. She may feel ‘duped’ at the pretence of things being ‘normal’ for the four days she’s there - and then have a bomb dropped on her at the end.
I doubt things will be ‘normal’ anyway; and it proposes a very uncomfortable dynamic.
I suggest that you call your mum and tell her the basic news over the phone, letting her know that you do want a much more in-depth discussion with her when you see her. I just think that she will need a bit of time to process the initial news, and I think it makes it easier on everyone that there’s some honesty going on in the household when she arrives.
She will know there’s something ‘not quite right’ anyway, no matter how well you think you’re all covering it until you have the chance to bring it up with her. On your own.
To have this kind of news delivered to her just before she’s going 400 miles away, doesn’t give her any time to be able to prepare herself. And it doesn’t leave you much time to really talk. Being able to say things in smaller chunks over four days, rather than a time-allotted hour (or whatever) before she leaves is much easier for all, I think.
Good luck with it. However you decide to do it.
I’m not a fan of bombshells. If you haven’t given her even the slightest hint that things were heading this direction throughout the year, then this is going to come as a huge shock. Do you really want to drop something like that on her on the last day, and then shuttle her off?
There are some people (e.g coworkers, neighbors) who I don’t tell my personal business to, because it’s none of their business. But my siblings, my parents, my closest friends…these are people who I share just about everything with, in part because they are my strongest allies. If I need solid advice, I know I can turn to them. I don’t understand why you’d keep something as significant as this from your Mum for so long. But since you did, I implore you not to put on a pretense that everything is peachy keen for 3 days, only to blitzkrieg her on the last day with news of a divorce. I cannot convey how disrespectful that would be. It’d make her feel like a fool.
If there’s one person that you should be able to show your true colors to, it’s your Mom. Assuming your relationship is a loving one, let her be there for you and her grandkids.
P.S. Oh, and your wife needs to learn boundaries.
Take your Mom out with you, to run an errand, shortly after she arrives. Tell her then. Also tell her wife wants inclusion in the conversation, please just let her have her say, don’t let on you already were told.
Telling her something this important just before she leaves is kind of cruel. People need time to process this kind of thing, before they can begin to have the conversation they will need to have.
I have a friend just diagnosed with cancer. He was a little miffed, looking back on how the news was delivered by the doctor. Pretty straight forward, you have this, you need to choose between this and this, you should first speak to these people then return and we’ll talk. I can understand why he found it terse. But I explained to him, you only noticed this in hindsight, because you had time to process it all. Any attempt to flesh out things would have been overwhelming at the time, you wouldn’t have remembered much, etc. Point is people need time, to take in traumatic things, before they can engage in the conversations regarding it.
Did you change your direct deposit yet?
Just remember “You marry one person but you divorce another”.
She wants to be there so you can’t say anything bad about her and to make sure your mom hears her side. That she’s even suggesting that she wants to be there when you have a deeply personal conversation with your mom shows that you can not trust her motives.
If she had your best interest at heart, she would absolutely want your mother to support you through this and butt out.
[quote=“Leaffan, post:160, topic:639510”]
Trust does not mean you kiss your common sense and all your-self-interest and sense of self-preservation goodbye.
I trust and love my SO, but my duty to myself to ensure my own physical, financial and emotional safety and well being is priority #1.
So, I’m taking in all this advice and am appreciative of it all. Mum’s here now; I just picked her up.
I really side with what FloatyGimpy says on this. Why else would she want to be part of this conversation with my mum, other than getting her side of the story out. And if that’s the case then I get to spill a wagon-load of beans on how our finances have been mismanaged over the years because of her neglect. This is private and no one needs to know this. Nor does my mum need to know the personal details of my personal shortcomings as described by my wife.
Nothing good can come from including my wife in this conversation, can it?
If I do this before the end of the visit it will be really uncomfortable for everyone. If I do this at the end of the visit I’m hearing that mum will feel duped. I’m thinking duped is a better option, and I’m thinking of telling her by myself on Boxing Day as she’s leaving.
I’m not sure I feel comfortable with other options really. I’m still open to thoughts and suggestions, and thank you friends.
No. Christmas and kids and presents and all. Stay tuned. First thing in the new year. That’s when the gloves come off.
Looking back on the way I handled my divorce I have no regrets, She declared war and I acted like i never got the message. I just kept the money comming in and made sure that her and the kids stayed in the house and school they were used to. I went through a year of hell, my car was destroyed, house flooded, girlfriends threatened. I just ignored everything and after about a year she seemed to regain her sanity and we now have a good relationship and the kids didn’t seem to get damaged. Much easier not to fight.
This appears to be the road I’m taking. I want my half of everything, but am completely flexible on furnishings and the like: take what you want. I’m more than willing to pay what I am legally obliged to pay, and expect unfettered access to the kids.
I don’t hate my wife, I really don’t. But she doesn’t know how to love. She really doesn’t.
What is the relationship between her and your mom? If it is close, I can understand why she would want to speak to your mother about the separation. If she is not close, then it is an odd thing for her to want to do.
Well, they get along fine, but there’s no special closeness or anything. We get together 3 or 4 times a year. It’s not like they keep in touch otherwise. I’m the conduit through which all communication occurs.
Is this a typical mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship? I have no idea.
Sometimes relationships are close, but not usually, and it doesn’t sound like their’s is close at all. My ten cents – talk with you mom privately.
I think telling her on your own is the best idea. If your wife wants to talk to her, she can call her or email her or something later. I don’t think your mom will feel duped. If she’s at all reasonable, she will understand exactly why you chose to tell her when you did. Are you thinking this will be a complete bombshell for your mom? or do you think maybe she’s seen it coming?
Ya. That’s my inclination as well. Thanks.
You neglected to keep an eye on your family finances also.
Take your head out of the sand and come clean to your mother about the fact that you are divorcing at least.