In a nutshell I don’t know how to meet people who are like me. People who share the same values, same experiences.
I’m going thru some volunteer classes at a local Hospice. I felt that me and my dog are ready to volunteer for this. Last night we had a roundtable describing our experiences with death and beliefs regarding life & death.
I went second and explained my “atheism” in leiu of a better word. Everybody else in the round table explained how important religion was in their lives and half of them claimed to have seen/felt something when a loved one passed away. A soul leaving their body or a post death visit.
There are many studies that religious people don’t think much of the non-religious. I’m trying to do good in my life and volunteer but since I was so candid I feel that these other people with me already have formed opinions about me without much one-on-one time.
I’m not going to quit, I think that what I’m volunteering for is worth it but I thought that there would be a more broad spectrum of people volunteering with me. I’m in my 40’s and I don’t seem to have a clue on how to relate to people, or how not to push them away.
I just want a friend or two that understands me. My wife is the only one who does. I’m just terribly lonely and I really apparently don’t have the social skills. I’m just sad by the entireity of it.
Anybody else overcome really really bad social skills?
#1: people who are drawn to work with the dying (eg hospice care) are probably likely, though not certainly, going to be the kinds of people who are drawn to the idea of an afterlife, where death is a passage or journey and not an end.
#2: people who have your opinions about religion, death, etc. are likely to still have cockamamie ideas about abortion or gun control or death penalties or goldfish or cilantro or grass vs. Astroturf.
#3: people come from such different backgrounds, have such differing neurological chemicals, have so many hangups, filters, quirks, preferences etc. that I’ve found that instead of thinking “You think that?!?!” it’s better to think “Neat, our brains think alike on {XYZ}.”
If you want to interact with like-minded people, try Happy Atheist Forum. Online communication is not necessarily a subsitute for real life interaction, but it’s a start.
I agree with the previous poster that a hospice by its nature would tend to attract religious or spiritual people, so it’s not really that surprising that there was no-one simpatico to your beliefs. Perhaps consider a different field of volunteering, helping the homeless, or old people, or disadvantaged children, even conservation or reclamation work. There will still be religious/spiritual types, but likely to be fewer.
You might have been a little quick to assume that the others had formed opinions about you. When we are unique in a group we can feel self-conscious and isolated, even judged, but it’s not always the case. You could make the effort to chat casually on completely non-controversial topics (avoid religion, politics, money, and reality Tv shows!) with one or two of the others. I find making meaningless small talk a chore and a bore, and I suspect you are the same, but it is a social convention that often smoothes the way to bonding. I’m beginning to sound like Sheldon here, but hey, the man talks sense sometimes!
Instead of focusing on differences, how about focusing on commonalities?
Ask open-ended questions, and then really listen for the emotion in the answer. If the person seems to get really excited about something they’re talking about, ask more questions about it. Try to get to know their experience of life.
I’m fearful they might be and that colors the way I approach them. I shouldn’t be judgey but after a while you need to trust your experiences. At this age there are very few really brand new experiences. I just wish I could come accross people who thought the way I do so I wouldn’t feel pressure to deny who I am and just small talk to get along.
Next time there is a chance, please offer your concerns to your volunteer group, tell them that you are concerned that because of your different religious beliefs that you feel estranged from the group and possibly unwelcome. I would suppose that at least a few of them would be inclined from that to reassure you that they don’t feel that way at all (some might, but you don’t need them all to be kindred spirits, just a few). Quite a few religious people feel perfectly at home to be friends with people who are not religious. Those also tend to be the people who want to help others feel they are not alone or ostracised, especially when they’re in the middle of making such a wonderful effort to help others.
I might be projecting, but I’d want to help if I were one of those other volunteers. You said you were volunteering with your dog; they may have pet companionship in common with you, and that can make for a good topic to ease other differences. And being completely alike with a friend can be boring; it is interesting to have things to discuss where your friends can help show you the other side’s view.
Switch off, keep doing the stuff, hopefully after they see that you’re doing the job they’ll identify with you as someone whos part of the team, even if you aren’t into religion like them.
I hope that you stick with it, cos it could show some people who are heavy into religion that all non believers aren’t all evil scum.
Yes, you have a different view of faith than them. But that’s it. Quit making it into way more. They are people just like you, I promise.
You feel judged by these people entirely because you are judging them. Don’t do that. If it’s their faith and beliefs, you’re judging, then just pretend you still don’t know! That conversation didn’t happen! You were away that day.
When you imagine you know ‘what people are thinking’ of you. Or what the ‘looks people give you’ mean, almost always, it’s pure projection. They are not thinking anything of you because you don’t believe in God, I can promise you. Most are probably thinking about what to do after this, or what’s for dinner, or what their wife meant by that remark.
This sort of projection is sometimes a thinly disguised form of self absorption. But the world isn’t all about you, and those people are not thinking about you, at all. They are certainly not judging you.
But, as long as you continue to judge them, you will continue to feel harshly judged by them.
I share this with you, not as armchair psychologist, as it surely must sound, but as someone who has experience with this life lesson.
My bold. I’m sorry but this is just so wrong. I am 65 and have brand new experiences often – I would guess at least once a month. I also find that the people I meet constantly surprise me. For example when I moved from California to Texas I was thinking that people would be asking me all the time what church I go to (I am also an atheist) and so far after being here nearly two years and meeting all different people, no one at all has asked me that and only one person has talked about what church they attend. So much for that thinking. I like being surprised. I agree with those in this thread who think you need to stop making assumptions. And for sure, don’t assume you’re too old for brand new experiences!
Yep, same here. Still am, technically, but when you realize it, you can take steps to limit that thinking. It helps to “step back from yourself”, for want of a better phrase. Realizing that for the most part, everybody else is as self-absorbed as you are.
So you want both brand new experiences and people who think like you? I think these are somewhat mutually exclusive.
So you’re an atheist and they’re religious - so what? Do you all want to give comfort to the dying? Don’t drop out just because these people aren’t diggerwam-clones.
