Whoopi Goldberg plays herself in a fictionalized account of her life, with Jaden Smith in drag as a young Whoopi. Incidents portrayed include Whoopi’s stint as a kindergarten teacher, her time in Viet Nam, and her affair with Bobcat Goldthwaite, all of which never actually happened. It’s revealed at the end that she’s currently a DJ in a gay night club.
Next up: What You See, You Don’t Get
**What You See, You Don’t Get **
Sweet, innocent, and blind young violinist Vera Ingenuesmithford receives a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for an optic transplant. She regains her sight and is ecstatic when can now read her music sheets but in the middle of a concert, the entire music stand seems to completely disappear right in front of her new eyes. Objects continue to disappear from in front of her and as she reaches for them, she finds that they’re not even there. She tries to investigate the cause of this but finds herself delving into a deeper, more sinister plot. Who can she trust? Her domineering mother, the creepy eye surgeon, the lothario-esque symphony conductor, or her jealous boyfriend? Is regaining her eyesight really everything she always wanted or is there something more that’s just out of reach?
Next: The quarterback and the Serpent
17-year-old Jesse has everything going for him: he’s the quarterback for the winningest team his state has ever seen, he’s been accepted to Ohio State, and he’s just been voted prom king. But something has always seemed like it was missing in his life, and the new exchange student who crash lands into his life nine weeks before graduation might be it. Danae is everything Jesse has ever dreamed of, and more. But the “more” turns out to be that his Greek goddess is actually descended from a long line of lamias. Can Jesse cope with a dream girl with a few scales?
Next: 100 Proof Smile
100 Proof Smile is the semi-tragic “based on actual events” story of Edith Thomas, a woman who is absolutely miserable when she is sober, but comes alive when she is drunk. Alan Judd falls in love with her when he sees her in a bar, but when he sees how she is sober, he starts on a plan to get her sober persona to be more like her drunk persona. This does not have the desired results he expected. Starring Drew Barrymore and Will Farrell.
Next: Oscar Madison Was an Amateur
F’ing double posted
In this historical coming of age story, Dolly Madison’s son Oscar wanted nothing more than to be a famous baker. Every day, he would bake pies and snack cakes for his mother and father James and each day James would disgustingly say “Oscar Madison is an amateur.” Oscar’s only solace was the time he got to spend with the cute girl next door Lucy Van Buren but even then he was still saddened that he would never become a professional baker. At Lucy’s urging, Oscar tries his hand at making pies again, this time making smaller, hand-sized pies using filling like cherry, apple, lemon, chocolate, coconut cream, and banana cream. Oscar gets his parents to try the new pies and Dolly is impressed with their tastiness but she turns to her husband and says “Don’t tell me, Oscar Madison is an amateur.”
“Oscar Madison was an amateur,” James Madison replied with a happy smile.
Next: Cowboys vs. Cyborgs vs. Ninjas vs. Pirates vs. Dinosaurs vs. Aliens vs. Mutants
In a film critics are calling “a desperate bid to compete with the Marvel Universe” DC presents a massive film about a whole lot of enemies. See the stars of seven new and acquired and relaunched comic books as Billy the Kid fights Steve Austin and Fujibayashi Nagato and Anne Bonny and that T-Rex from the Dresden Files and Michael Guerin and The Great Mutato in an epic battle that’s sure to stun the whole family.
Next: It’s About Tyme
Michael Tyme, time traveler and occasional actor, sets out on a quest to gain a role in “Our American Cousin” so he can save the life of Abraham Lincoln. He faces competition from actors more talented than him, and he has to figure out a way to warn the president without getting shot himself. A lost classic film from the pre-code days of Hollywood.
Next: Falling Apart
Android, Craeen Otlahd, becomes devastated when its favorite technician dies by electrocution while working on it and begins to dysfunction. Craeen takes an airplane ride for the purpose of suicide, realizes it could survive permanently impaired, and attempts to disassemble itself before landing. Back at the plant, technicians try to sabotage Craeen’s efforts.
Next: It’s Tough Getting Old
The story stars with Jim Parsons playing a very old man who, after being hit by comet and lightning at the same time, starts aging backwards. He faces a lot of troubles as he goes back into middle age, adolescence, and finally a young boy, played by Iain Armitage.
Next up: Hunting for the Key
“The Key,” the head of an secretive social group composed of locksmiths, safe crackers and escape artists, has been accused of a murder that only a locksmith could have committed. He hires the renowned but quirky defense attorney, Reginald Hunting. In this twisty courtroom drama, it’s Smith for the prosecution, and Hunting for the Key.
Next up: “Out of Practice”
Aging former rock star Rocky Ball Boa is asked to star in a movie about Jim Morrison. He initially refuses, claiming he has done nothing but various drugs for the past decade and is Out of Practice. He eventually decides to get clean, makes the movie, becoming a star in a second career. The title role is played by Sylvester Stallone.
Next Up: Trump This!
A sequel to A Big Hand for the Little Lady, Trump This centers around a card game among the family in which the kids conned the unsuspecting adults and won with a stacked deck. The kids use the money to buy land in NYC.
Next up: The Mirror in the Mirror
Martin Martin is a devout Christian minister, husband, and father, a pillar of his community. But he has a mirror showing a mirror that shows him committing truly atrocious acts. He continually smashes the mirror, only to see it reassembled the next day.
The deed shown are really bad, even by movie standards, but the ending is very lame: Martin kills himself, and learns in hell that the mirror never existed, and the acts were not all in his mind.
Next Up: Go Figure
Gene Yusaffa is a mathematical genius, able to solve supposedly unsolvable equations with ease. When his college English professor is kidnapped, he is presented with a number of diabolical mathematical puzzles and riddles which he must solve to save the professor’s life. From the people behind “Die Hard 3: Die Hard with a Vengeance”.
Next: Two Aspirin, One Vodka
Joe and Jane Aspirin are in a rut. Between work, kids, family, and other distractions they just feel that they haven’t connected with each other in years. They finally get a night out on the town where they happen to meet Johnny Vodka in a bar. Vodka takes the Two Aspirins out on a wild night on the town that involves a wild car chase, angry clowns, foreign spies, and the recovery of a WWI-era experimental energy weapon. In the end the two Aspirins learn to appreciate each other more and plan on having another night out next week. They both have killer headaches though and they know the only cure for that is Two Aspirin, One Vodka.
Next: Johnny Magnetron Meets the Hillbilly Dirt Superstar All Jug Band.
Caped Crusader Johnny Magnetron has super powers due to a rare genetic disorder that is enhanced when he is in an accident at the nuclear power plant. He goes about doing super hero things, but feels something is missing in his life.
When the Hillbilly Dirt Superstar All Jug Band’s tour bus goes into a ditch and Johnny recuses them, he discovers the “all jug” part of their name has nothing to do with musical instruments. After a wild afternoon ride on their bus, Johnny joins the group as a roadie and has some amazing adventures.
Next up: The Band is A-Knocking
In a metaphor for the Chinese Boxer Rebellion, actor Sun Poon (played by Billy Crystal), becomes annoyed that his belt saw band is misaligned and will not stop knocking against the rollers. It’s not a great movie, but there it is. Apologies to all esp. A-X.
Next up: Sudden Intent
Antonio Banderas plays a NY cop who gets caught up in a plot to rob diamonds from an LA skyscraper while it undergoes construction on the top floor. Pierce Brosnan is the suave European criminal, or is he? Zach Braff is the one guy who will listen to Antonio but does he know more than he’s letting on? It’s kind of like Die Hard but different.
Next: Tomboy Joy, the Goy Cowboy, and the Decoy Convoy
Tomboy Joy leaves Salt Lake City, feeling out of place in the Mormon culture. She meets Cowboy Goy, who left Texas for the same reason. They hatch a plot to rob a Convoy of bank truck, intending to live off the movie they steal. However, they both contact the bank at different times and tell them the plot, leading to a Decoy Convoy.
When the truth comes out, both Tomboy and Cowboy have a good laugh. The laughs come deeper when SPOILER ALERTTomboy Joy is revealed to be an actual boy and Cowboy Goy is revealed to be a Jewish girl .
Of course, the picture ends with Tomboy (played by Jim Parsons) and Cowboy (played by Sara Gilbert) getting married.
Next Up: Buzzards over Broadway