About 12 years ago, one of my best friends at the time who I have known for 19 years got drunk and did some man to man sexual experimenting. We got together a handful of times after the first episode over the next year or so (mostly after drinking together). I had not shared a same sex experience before or since. He was married at the time and ended up coming out to his wife shortly after our last interlude. He now lives with his partner of 5 years. I have been with my (female) partner for 10 years now and have never told her or anyone else. As far as I know, my friend and I are the only two people who know. I’m still friends with him, although I don’t see him very often as we now run in very different circles. I don’t regret it.
I am kind and gentle, an instinctive feminist, someone who finds injustice and violence viscerally repugnant. I’m in an intensely loving committed relationship with someone of similar disposition.
Also, my sexual fantasies tend to involve rape, torture, forced sexual slavery and murder. Sometimes in my fantasies I am the rapist, other times I am the victim. The victims in my fantasies are always very smart and competent, and also completely innocent and beautiful. The more cruelly the poor victims are treated, the better. The victims in my fantasies are always female, the perpetrators sometimes male, sometimes female. (I am male.)
This has nothing to do with my actual desires. There’s no part of me that wants to do anything like this in reality, not even a little bit. Not even in the “what if you could get away with it and your victim would forget everything” sense. The things that happen in my fantasies are absolutely repugnant to me when considered as actual, real-life actions.
So while I used to be bothered by this aspect of myself, I no longer am. I’ve come to realize it has nothing to do with what kind of person I am, morally speaking. It is purely and only fantasy. Why I should have these fantasies, I have no idea. (I have had them since before I knew what sex was. I remember masturbating at age six to a description of the torture and execution of a an accused witch in medieval Europe.) I do sometimes puzzle over it. But I no longer worry about it. There’s nothing to worry about.
I have told my wife in the past that I have very evil fantasies that I don’t want to talk about. That was years ago and was never brought up again. I don’t know what she would do if I described the details.
I don’t agree either, not completely anyway. While he should bear some blame if he never told her/showed her, there is the Dan Savage compact: “Good, Giving, Game”. Shutting down all of your partner’s kinks is not healthy, nor is this:
Ouch. Contempt for your partner is one of the biggest death knells.
Ouch. Contempt for your partner is one of the biggest death knells.
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Also sounds to me like she’s got some serious sexual hangups that she’s too embarrassed or ashamed to discuss with her partner.
I’ve been bored in a lopsided relationship, and hindsight is 20/20. Turns out, it’s no one else’s job to satisfy all your sexual needs. We think they are under some obligation because of those vows and all, and we hope they maintain the same drive and desire they had in the beginning, but people and their bodies age and tastes change. It’s not fun; it doesn’t seem fair when one is in the middle of a cold, frustrating, dry spell… but no one is owed great sex.
We should really, really live in the moment and appreciate terrific sex when we’re having it. It can be a temporary situation
A few years ago, I started a thread that was just stupid and ignorant and probably the result of having an infant and no sleep. I was lambasted and felt so mortified that I never returned and went back into lurker mode. I have always wondered if I just should have done a mea culpa or even after many years later I should apologize for that thread.
Zebra, I’m female and my have had a male SO for about two years. He has a tweenage daughter he spends a lot of time with even he’s not primary guardian. He sees her anytime he wants and relationship with former spouse is very congenial By all accounts his daughter is talented, smart and quite pretty. SO is very supportive of her, but he won’t STFU about her physical beauty. He talks about how sexy she’s going to be, her choice of clothes, her high heels, makeup etc. all the time. He’s told me she has a lovely figure. She is an only child, and I am 100%certain it’s not a molestation/pedophilia issue, but it creeps me out. Think it’s because he was an ugly duckling at that age and tremendously bullied, but I flat out told him it creeps me out and others might get the wrong idea. Also I think he’s sending the wrong message to her focusing so much on her physical beauty rather than her actual achievements.
I can’t see how I could justify a man calling his daughter “sexy.” Calling this in her presence only compounds the error.
Having said that, on a lot of issues like this, it seems like a lot rests on cultural and sub-cultural background assumptions, family history, and so on. So I can’t judge with total confidence. Nevertheless, the probability that it’s totally wrong seems very high to me.
Why are you 100% sure it’s not a genuine issue of inappropriate attraction?
Don’t. Just start posting again. Pretty well everyone who posts a lot has, at some time or another, written something they later regretted. There is no use in dredging up the past. If someone later throws it in your face, just say “that was something I regretted writing”.
Creepy, but I’ve seen it before. A former boss and Jessica Simpson’s dad both teased their daughters about having big “puppies”, and a poster here recently remarked that his buxom niece’s prom date was a very lucky kid because he would get to enjoy her figure. As highly as some men prize certain physical blessings, it’s not surprising they notice when a family member is sexually appealing, but most people have the common sense and good manners to keep those observations private. Can you tell is his attention is making her uncomfortable? I was grossed out when my otherwise awesome grandfather noted that my breasts were bigger than my mother’s, but that was a one-of and was never mentioned again.
Does he have issues with other boundaries? Is he over familiar with other people as well, or is this his only awkward fixation? Have you told him it makes you uncomfortable?
It’s impossible to be 100% sure about that. Okay, since she sounds post-pubescent, it’s probably not a pedophilia issue, but it could certainly be a ‘pervert’ issue.
I don’t see how her being an only child negates that as a possibility. Most molesters, creeps, and weirdos aren’t people that you would suspect.
Then again, some people just have social problems.
My husband and I haven’t had sex in years. This is no reflection on our relationship though. We’re very, very happy, we spend almost every moment together, we snuggle, we find each other attractive. It’s just that sex is a huge hassle and it’s easier and more efficient to just take care of our own needs individually.
I’m aware of the asexual movement, but after researching I don’t really think that label fits us. I feel like we’re some kind of freaks of nature. At the doctor’s office when they ask if I’m sexually active, I say yes and discuss birth control with them because I just don’t want to go into a big explanation and have them suggest counselling or whatever.
The weird thing is, when we first got together we couldn’t keep our hands off each other! That lasted for several months then slowly dwindled to nothing. Maybe we used up our entire libido at once.
Forward Message
Yeah. And did you guys decide that it was going to be like this, or did it just become like this and neither of you said anything and so that’s how it stayed?
Sex may be a huge hassle if one or both of them are disabled, elderly, or substantially obese. But my guess is that one of them is more OK with the arrangement than the other.
Sex that’s not just glorified masturbation takes work, both physical and mental. I can understand what they mean by calling it a “huge hassle” if they don’t find they need it to feel close to each other.
