Any other good ones you know of?
As I always say: it’s better to have stupid criminals than smart ones!
I always find this Darwin Award winner hilarious.
One.
One day when I went through the drive thru at the bank, the tellers asked me if I had heard about their recent ‘excitement’. It seems some man had just tried to rob the bank. He pulled up to the drive thru window, pulled out a gun, and demanded cash. One teller ran and locked the front door, while all the other tellers backed away from the bullet proof glass and watched the man wave the gun around. Eventually he figured out that he wasn’t going to get any money and drove off.
Of course the whole thing was caught on tape.
Two.
Some enterprising young men in the neighborhood decided that giving out coupons was a good way to increase their business. If you bought four of something you got the fifth one free. They even included their names, address and phone number on the front and drew a map to their house on the back.
You buy four vials of crack, you get the fifth one free, etc.
Guess it never occurred to them that the police would get a hold of some of the coupons.
Three.
A man called 911 to report that the dealers he gave $500 wouldn’t give him any coke and wouldn’t give him his money back. I heard that one on my friend’s scanner. The police told dispatch that it was a civil dispute and the man would have to take the dealers to small claims court. The dispatcher had to repeat the message. Sometimes the cops are a little slow too.
Four.
When I lived in the city.
It’s a long story and I’m going to cut it short and not give too many details.
Drug dealers are running from the cops and throw a gun one way and their drugs the other. Gun lands in my yard. Dealers come in my yard in the wee hours, one of my dogs jumps through a window to go after them. I go out to see what is going on and they tell me they lost their keys in my yard. Keys!!! I tell them to come back during the day but then I start worrying it might be drugs and my dogs might get them, eat them and get sick. I find a gun, call the police, they come and get it, I go back to bed.
Six AM, knock knock knock on my door. It’s the higher ranking Jamaican dealer the cops warned me about and his friend. He wants his gun back. I play dumb and tell him I heard it was keys, I’m not stupid enough to tell them I gave the gun to the cops.
First he starts describing the gun to me, I point out that my yard isn’t so full of guns that I need a description to know which one is his.
Second he insults me by offering me $40 for a chrome plated 45 automatic (that is what the cops told me it was).
Third he offers me his phone number so I can call him if and when I find the gun. Sure I’ll take his phone number.
Now, I’ve never had to run from the cops in my life. I don’t do things that make it necessary for me to run from the cops and at the age of 55 with bad knees I’m not likely to start.
However, if I had ever had reason to run, and I had evidence to dispose of, and I threw said evidence into someones yard, I sure as HELL would never go back the next day, knock on their door and ask for it back. No way in hell would I give them my phone number.
I really wonder how these people walk and breathe at the same time.
I was sitting at adoptions at a big Pet Store when someone stood in the line for the check out. He had something in his hands…not sure what it was. The guy behind him was buffed and hunky and wearing fatigues and a gun in one of those really neat leg holsters. I was looking at the gun and rigging, not his butt. I only noticed his really nice butt because I was looking at the belt. Honest!!!
The first guy pulled a knife on the clerk and demanded money. The guy with the gun kinda rolled his eyes, then pulled his 1911 out, pushed it against the idiots head and told him to drop the knife. Knife was dropped, pants looked wet before the idiot hit the floor.
I’m pretty sure that the hero got laid in the managers office after the police and idiot were gone. Not that I would have noticed such a thing.
I heard about a guy who decided to stick up the bank that was opposite the police station, at lunchtime, on the day the cops got paid. He got about as far as saying “This is a stic-” 
Or indeed the robber who yelled “OKAY, YOU MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK-UP!” before turning red and fleeing the premises.
Something similar occurred in my hometown a few weeks ago.
I have answered more than one 9-1-1 call from men complaining about unsatisfactory service from a prostitute and requesting police assistance to get his money back.
A car full of guys got pulled over recently - erratic driving I think. Anyway, the cops end up hearing the cries from the trunk and release … a stolen goat.
We’ve had two “balls” stories recently. Dudes strapping cocaine to their nether regions and trying to leave the country.
I heard a version of that that had the bank being across from the FBI office on the agents’ payday. 
I’ve also heard a version involving a fast-food place very near some big police training event, during the lunch break.
I’d say that one was pretty honest. 
Was this in Nevada? The only problem then is he shouldn’t have used 911.
A fellow in the holding cells recognized me as being his upstairs neighbour and begged me to represent him after he had been arrested the previous evening for aggravated assault against his girlfriend in the apartment below mine.
It never occurred to the dumb fuck that I was the one who called the police.