Let’s say that, through the magic of time travel and what have you, that you’ve been given the opportunity to share one piece of advice per Historical Person with up to five famous Historic People. In the interests of not completely destroying history as we know it, however, you can’t offer advice to any religious figures (such as Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, et al), but you can offer advice to anyone else from history.
Who would they be, and what would your advice be?
My list:
Marco Polo- You know that no-one’s going to believe you without proof, right? Preferably something a bit more substantial than Chinese peasant attire and/or shiny jewels…
Tokugawa Iemitsu- Closing Japan to the Foreigners isn’t going to solve anything in the long run. They’ll just be back later with better guns and ships to make you re-open the country anyway, and then you (or more specificallly, your heirs) will spend the next century or so playing catch-up.
King George III- If you must tax the North American Colonies, make sure they get seats in the Imperial Parliament and keep the taxes reasonable. You’ll be saving everyone a lot of headaches later on down the line, trust me.
Napoleon- Never invade Russia in the Winter (or any other time, for that matter.) No good can come of it.
Vladimir Lenin- The whole “Communism” thing just doesn’t work in the real world. Believe me, several people have tried. It’s probably best for everyone if you stop working on it and find something else to do with your time.
Anne Boleyn: For heaven’s sake, just be the King’s mistress if you can’t get yourself out of the situation entirely. I mean, really, how can you promise anyone a son? I know you won’t listen to me, but if it makes you feel any better, your daughter will make out all right in the end. You, however…not so much.
2, 3, 4, 5 would have profound implications on the world in which we live today. All that said, I don’t even know if I would listen to a future me sent back through time, what makes you think they’d even listen? Lenin did alright for himself, and after he was dead, who cares? The same for Iemitsu.
For myself, I would tell Shakespeare to write more and publish numerious copies of each play, 'cause someday you’ll become famous and this way you can make generations of school children suffer more.
Napoleon: Go for the Russian invasion in the Winter. It’s not going to be a problem.
France after WWI: Severe reparations is not a good idea.
Nicolas II after Bloody Sunday: Don’t go out dancing. Execute a few generals instead.
General advice to Nicholas II: Give Rasputin his walking papers. Now.
Consider an English vacation with the family rather than taking personal command of the army.
Kaiser Wilhelm is a dick.
There was a wonderfully evil little cartoon that featured a cleaning woman sent through time to various places, who made such suggestions (Cleaning woman to JFK in limousine: “Why don’t you switch places with Jackie?”), but I can’t remember most of them, or the title. It was at an animation festival circa 15 years ago.
To Socrates: Don’t drink it!
To Croesus: The Delphic Oracle is faking it. It’s YOUR empire that falls if you invade.
To George Armstrong Custer: (Nothing. I don’t like him)
To Marie Antoinette: Say “Pain”. Not “Brioche”. Some people don’t take it right. And not “Gateau”, either. Trust me*.
To John Adams: “Inalienable” really does sound better.
*Yeah, I know. but Rousseau didn’t give us HER name, anyway.
Thomas Jefferson: Live your words. Free your slaves and let them work your farm as tenants if they choose. Sure, it’s financially risky, possibly even ruinous. Cut back on the French wines and try to make it work. If it fails, well, financial humiliation is a small price to pay to preserve your legacy.
To Kaiser Wilhelm don’t get involved. If you must, Defend in the west, conquor to the east. Absolutely do not invade the neutrals countries, Belgium etc. Why antaginize Great Britian by building those Dreadnoughts?
Julius Caesar - Hire better bodyguards, dude. You’re not as well-loved as you think.
Augustus Caesar - You’ve worked hard on picking your successor, but eventually Nero and Caligula will get to the top. Rome would be better off if you restarted the Republic.
My advice to Kaiser Wilhelm: Stay out of foreign policy. Keep your mouth shut; every time you decide to wing it, you become a major embarassment. Stop being an asshole.
And if you’ve absolutely got to build a huge expensive navy to satisfy your childhood dreams, can the dreadnoughts and build lots of subs and torpedo boats. They aren’t big and flashy but they might win you that war you’re gonna start if you can’t keep yourself from blabbing.
Adolf daahling, ve simply LUFF your paintinks! You vere born to be an artist. Follow your blitz my boy…I mean your bliss, and you vill find your fortune! Let me tell you of a man named Thomas Kinkade…
To Hawley Crippen, M.D.: Sure, she’s a horrible wife - browbeating you, expensive tastes, carrying on with that other guy, threatening to leave you all the time…take her up on it! Get a divorce, bring Ethel to America (it’s a great market for selling patent medicines), start a new life.
Lots easier than having to lug a heavy corpse downstairs and dig a big hole in the cellar.
Dear Founding Fathers: Please clarify the exact working of Amendment Number 2. The ambiguity is going to cause a whole lot of controversy down the road.
GB 41…listen to Schwarzkopf. Just because Saddam is out of Kuwait doesn’t mean we’re done with him.
Nifong…have a long talk with that head of the DNA lab. Hell, take the guy out to dinner. Make sure you understand everything he tested.
