Take. A. Bath.
I mean, you REEK! But there are these leetle teeny tiny things called GERMS. You can’t see 'em, and apparently you can’t even conceive of them…
but they’re there. And they cause all sorts of nasty plagues and diseases! Wash the frick up!
J. Bruce Ismay: It’s already the biggest ship. Trust me: you don’t need more publicity. And I know you think you’ll only need the lifeboats to come to the aid of other ships, but wouldn’t even that be more efficient if you had more of them?
Patient Zero: Here’s a million dollars. Never have sex again.
Selena: You don’t need to see her in person. Send your husband instead.
Not in that water. Not yet. I know it looks clean and clear, and you might even drink it, but boil it first and then let it cool a bit before getting into it. And that goes for any water you plan to drink, too. Beer and wine are okay, though, but don’t drink too much of the hard stuff. Small beer is about right.
(Bathing is good. Bathing in the kind of water our ancestors generally had is a good way to get giardia, cholera, and possibly worse.)
If we’re really going to get into the whole ‘good water,’ ‘bad water’ thing - we should also hit the high points of sanitary arrangements for waste. One of the reasons that water through most of the historical era was so dangerous was that there was no attempt to keep wastes out of it.
At which point, I think our one piece of advice is starting to get rather involved. 
OtakuLoki: If you could find the right person or group of people, beating them about the head and neck while screaming “DON’T! DUMP! SEWAGE! INTO! THE! RIVER!” should be a good start. Then we’d have to tell them how they should dispose of their waste, but we’d have their attention.
General Custer:
“Did anyone check for a “no trespassing” sign?”
“John? John? Oh, Mr. Ritter? Yes, you’re looking a little peaked. Let’s knock off shooting a little early today and I’ll have my assistant run you over to the hospital. Love ya, babe, we’ll do lunch next week.”
With the Stewart / Stuart dynasty, where do you start?
James III - watch that son of yours
James IV - try and find a way to get out of your obligation to France, we don’t need to invade England for them.
Mary - don’t trust anyone, least of all your cousin
James VI - London isn’t so great. Keep your eldest son healthy, or failing that knock some sense into your next son. Witches don’t exist. This Irish plantation thing isn’t such a great idea.
Charles I - keep your religious ideas to yourself
Charles II - do something about your idiot brother before you die
James VII and II - you’re an idiot
Charles Edward:
Stay in Italy
The French won’t help you (hmm, seems like a recurrent theme here)
When meeting Scottish clan chiefs, wear a sign saying “I’m a deluded fool who will induce cultural genocide for the Highlands”
When in Derby, don’t turn around
Keep your men fed and rested
etc etc
To quote Lillian Carter: Sometimes I look at my children and think “I should have stayed a virgin.”
To Jonathan Larson: Get a third opinion. To the doctors who saw Larson: It’s an aorta anreysum, dammit!
That could certainly be turned into an interesting defence of Kinkade’s career!
You think he’s a talentless charlatan hack? Well, think what he could be doing instead! :eek:
To Galileo Galilei, Johannes Kepler, et-al: “Science and religion do not play well together. Trust me on this one.”
To Gen. George S. Patton: “Your own big mouth is your worst enemy. Listen to your subordinates (especially Bradley), they are much more politically savvy than you are. Remember that members of the Press Corps are neither friend or ally. When in the presence of any member of the Press Corps, or anyone who may casually speak to a member of the Press Corps, shut your big mouth. Smile. Nod knowingly. Issue typewritten press releases. But keep your big mouth shut! Oh, yeah … one more thing: despite your personal views on the matter, and regardless of your motivations, it is not okay to slap enlisted men. Ever.”
To Admiral Husband E. Kimmel: “Domestic sabotage is not your greatest concern. What you should be concerned with is the fact that Washington is full of politicians who wouldn’t recognize good intelligence if it bit 'em in the ass that they are so busy trying to cover. Look at your naval station with these things in mind:
[ul]The Japanese have ships capable of sailing all the way to Hawaii[/ul]
[ul]Some of those ships are aircraft carriers[/ul]
[ul]The best time for a suprise attack is when the enemy least expects it[/ul]
[ul]Pearl is not an impregnable fortress.[/ul]
[ul]Getting caught with your pants around your ankles is not only embarrasing, it could be a carreer ending mistake[/ul]
Plan accordingly.”
To Richard M. Nixon: “Don’t worry about the Democrats. It will be Okay. Really. Oh, and you are the President of the United States. Your behavior should be exemplary. Remember that everyone is watching you (and everyone who works for you). Act accordingly.”
To James Marshall (discovered gold at Sutter’s Mill): Keep your mouth shut!
To Archduke Ferdinand: take the next left – there’s trouble ahead.
To France: the Maginot Line is too short, and really needs to be at least a semi-circle.
To Neville Chamberlin: you’re being played for a sucker.
To Thomas Edison: forget about DC, it’s a dead end.
To the Indians living near Jamestown: kill all those white strangers now, or you’re in for a world of hurt.
P.S.: George, it’s also generally frowned upon in modern warfare to gun down civilians in cold blood, even if they are stealing soap to do their laundry with. C’mon man, I know it’s martial law and all, but choose your battles.
To many people:
nudge “Indoor Plumbing: it’s gonna be big.”
To the people at Decca in 1961:
You know that guy who decides which bands you sign? Maybe he isn’t the best,
To Tony Blair, 2003:
You know how you’ve just had the biggest political demostrations in the history of the country, against the policy you are currently advocating?
Try considering the possibility some of those people are right, huh?
Rock and Roll edition:
To Jimi Hendrix: Dude, that sleeping pill is supposed to be quartered.
To Keith Moon: C’mon Keith, have a cup o coffee. Sleep it off man.
Same to Bon Scott
To Tom Scholz: It doesn’t have to be perfect. Just put out an album already.
To the Stones: Hell’s Angels don’t make the best security team.
To Tom Fogerty: Don’t sign the first record contract you’re handed.
Isadora Duncan: “Isn’t it a little warm for that scarf?”
Anne Frank: “The good news is that you’ll become a world-renowned writer. The bad news . . .”
Bill Clinton: “Make sure she gets that blue dress dry-cleaned.”
Nixon: Destroy the tapes.