Again, I realize I may seem paranoid - but you hear of one too many women or men trotting off to meet someone they’ve only seen online who end up in bad situations. Just recently we had that Craigslist killer - so y’know, love is grand, but breathing is good too.
If you are single and live alone, someone might not notice for several days if you are missing - or they might notice but give you your “privacy.” It never, ever hurts to err on the side of caution.
So Khaki, don’t be offended - realize that this is a woman who is using her smarts but is still willing to meet you - that should flatter you, not offend you.
But the thing is, if she does this all properly…you’ll never know she did it. And honestly, I’d be happy to date someone who does this. To me, it shows she knows how to watch out for herself.
Uh-huh. And how, exactly, are you going to ascertain this? “Hey, stranger I met online, when we meet up, please don’t tell anyone about me, or where we’re going, or when you’ll be back.”
Let me know how that works out for you.
Newsflash: *Everyone *is a potential rapist/murderer/serial killer. Everyone. The odds are small, granted, but it’s still important to take reasonable precautions. Especially when you’re meeting up with someone you’ve met online, where it’s a lot easier to fake things about yourself and cover up crazy.
Ummm, I don’t remember, it’s been a while since I’ve been there. Make sure you have a good map or a friend that’s been there before if you go, it’s a bit strange to find your first time.
And in other news, I didn’t know you where a Milwaukee doper, there’s only a handful of us here.
It’s quite simple. We don’t care if you have in the back of your mind a slight worry. That’s normal. When comments like these are made, we’re talking about people who treat men badly because they must be rapists. These women are fairly rare, but they do exist. And all their bad attitude results in is that the good guys leave them alone, making them more likely to be with the bad ones.
The approach being outlined was way over the top, and nowhere near the reasonable level. Reasonable is bringing a friend with you and meeting at a public place. Not setting up a secret service arrangement. I would not consider such an arrangement insulting, but I would think the woman had an anxiety problem, or at least to have had a bad experience in the past.
BTW, I’d also suspect that the most skilled rapists would know exactly how to not appear to be one. No matter what level of security you pick, they’re going to wait until you drop your guard. I mean, they’ve already spent enough time cultivating the encounter online–what’s a few more real dates? I honestly believe such preventative measures work more to preserve peace of mind than as actual deterrents.
While I rarely encounter this type of woman, I did once. Forever I thought it was me, but I finally asked around and found out she treated every guy who showed any romantic interest in her as a potential rapist, threatening them with calling the cops when she tried to talk to them. Those type of women ruin it for the rest of you who are just being reasonably cautious, or even just slightly overcautious.
Except they’re being made in the context of someone who’s just recommending a series of reasonable precautions that only collectively end up as being a bit over-the-top. Nowhere in there is there anything that reflects how the person who’s being met will be treated. (Also, note, the advice *was not exclusive *to women meeting men.)
ETA: There’s a very big difference between “don’t treat me like I *am *a rapist” and “don’t take reasonable precautions *in case I turn out to be *a rapist.” The former, I will agree, is stupid and sexist. The latter is *also *stupid and sexist–but on the part of the other person.
First of all, thanks for Melody for starting this thread. It has contained some great advice. I have to agree though with Big T on this other issue, though. When I read the precautions, my thought was if it’s really that bad, this method of meeting someone, etc, is it really even worth it?
And Shot From Guns, to go from the list of precautions the way they were stated to “don’t let anyone know about me or when we’ll be back…” is just ridiculous. I keep seeing things twisted around (like you just did), on this message board, and it’s frankly getting discouraging. Khaki Campbell made a legitimate point, and you were insulting and snotty. “Let me know how it works out for you” was totally uncalled for.
I think you owe him an apology.
No you don’t. No you don’t keep seeing that. What you keep seeing is a select class of posters taking unwarranted umbrage at perfectly reasonable approaches to potentially life-altering situations.
Jesus, every thread.
(now let me go back to internet-creeping around people’s profiles)
Can we please just agree to disagree and move on to other dating advice topics?
I don’t regret the precautions I took while dating. View it as you will, I’m not going to defend it any further. If you feel it is over the top, so be it. If you decided to follow it and it helps you later, so be that as well. Use what you like, discard the rest.
Yikes. And, I was just about to compare online dating to the movie the Lady and the Tramp. But, never mind now! I think we all know where that would lead!
I was snotty because it was a ridiculous and selfish statement to make. He doesn’t want to date *anyone *who has any suspicion that he *might *be a rapist? Congratulations: That means that any woman who wants to meet him must treat him in *exactly *the same way as the best friend they’ve known for a decade. (ETA: Oops, shit, nevermind! You can be raped by old friends, too!) Because *anything *else would apparently offend his poor ego. Does he think that rapists put out *magic rape-vibes *that all women can sense, so they should just somehow know that he’s an okay guy? Despite having absolutely no social context for him, no mutual acquantances who can tell them of past experiences, no knowledge of anything about him except whatever presumably unverifiable things he’s chosen to tell them?
No apology is owed to anyone for anything I’ve said in this thread; nor is one forthcoming. If you like, however, you may feel free to apologize to me for wasting my time by making me type up this response to your ridiculous accusation.
Given my experience with women before arriving at OkCupid, I don’t think that you’re experiencing something unique to the site itself. I think it says more about women and not women on OkCupid.
I don’t think it’s mandatory on OKC -but it does seem to be more prevalent, doesn’t it? If you are used to EH or others, you might not find that to be the case.
I think in this day and age it’s more “in” to be more exploratory. The sad thing that I have found is that many women who say they are bisexual just do it because guys think it’s hawt. When push comes to shove, they tend to shy away from it.
I think it’s mandatory for a lot of people on dating sites to stretch the truth in ways that they think will attract the people they’re after. (Cf. all the decades-old and pounds-lighter photos.) Unfortunately, for some women, this includes claiming bisexuality when they’re really pretty straight.
Me neither and I’m in an area where you’d think it’d be prevalent, if it was going to be. I’ve also noticed that most of the bisexual women’s profiles show that they have answered questions about threesomes and open relationships and whatnot in the negative - they’re not into it. This matches my admittedly limited experience dating and knowing bisexual women; while they’re open to dating people of either sex, they are still monogamous.
It seems to me that those women are specifically fending off many of those guys who see “Bi” and start slobbering mentally at the idea that they’ll be getting into some Hawt All Girl Action.
