What do you have to work up the nerve for? Just tell her it was nice meeting her and leave. But say nothing; don’t lie to her with an offhand “let’s do this again sometime” or “I’ll talk to you soon.”
I was going to say the same thing. Around here, in my age group (40s), in my small town, Match has the deepest potential dating pool. OkCupid is a distant second; plenty among the under-35 crowd, but few who are older. Plenty of Fish, where I have a hidden, incomplete account, is dominated by “simple country girls”, young redneck grandmothers, hard luck stories, and the like.
I think this is due to competition. The lower status women can’t compete on Match or OkCupid, so they filter down to Plenty of Fish, where there’s less competition from the more educated and attractive singles. At the bottom of the barrel is Craigslist.
I went out with a girl two days ago. We talked about the usual stuff. The next day, I sent her a message asking if she’d be interested in meeting again. She never got back to me. The lady is a professional, responsible decent person and I figured I’d at least get back a “Nice meeting you but I’m not interested.” I’m not offended that she hasn’t replied but I’m a little curious if she even got my note in the first place.
My options are either to just let it go, assuming she got the note and just ignored it, finding it easier to turn me down that way than having to confront me; to re-send the note; or to actually write her a note, as nice as possible, asking, “Don’t I at least deserve a reply back even if you’re not interested?”
I don’t want to re-send the note. I’m sure she got it. I don’t want to appear like I’m obsessed or a stalker. I think I’ll just let it go. Besides, I saw that she was on the site since our meeting and since I send her my request for a second date and she didn’t visit my profile while fixing up her own. I’m pretty sure she’s not interested.
I did a preliminary calculation and guessed that out of one hundred women contacted, five would reply and one would agree to meet. So far, out of 137 women that I’ve contacted (I’ve kept records for fun. I’m a nerd!), 10 have contacted me. Seven were replies and three were unsolicited initial contacts. So that fits in with my prediction. If I can contact thirty girls a week, I might get a date a month. That’s not bad.
And I break it down like this: Those 130 girls that ignored me? Well, 95% of them are there just for an ego boost or to meet the Prince of the Universe. Screw them. The others are there for good intentions but just don’t dig me. I can live with that. You have to go through a lot of trash to meet women who are really interested in meeting someone. But then, when I hook up with a serious girl, and I meet her and talk to her, she winds up not wanting to see me again. And I have to wonder, what the hell is wrong with me? Did I not shave completely? Did I wear the wrong shirt? Am I just boring?
There are all these bits of advice after meeting with a girl on a first date. Don’t contact her right away. You have to wait two days, sixteen hours, and twelve minutes. And forty two seconds. Mustn’t seem too anxious. Oh, screw it.
But still, what did I do wrong? I can’t help but wonder.
Anyway, I’m going to take a break – not just from online dating but flirting with girls in the real world. They say that when you least expect it, you find someone. Maybe that’s what I need right now.
That’s why you close the deal on the date. “I had a fantastic time and would love to see you again. Can I take you to dinner on Friday?” If she says something like, “Oh. . . well, see. . .” she’s just not that in to you and you need to move on. Make YOUR signals clear from the get go and she’s much more likely to make hers clear, too.
Also, from a sales perspective (and dating is a lot like sales), you never want to ask a potential “client” open ended questions like “Oh, can I take you out again?” No, pin them down with a time and a place. If they like you but can’t make that time, they’ll offer an alternative (“Oh! I’ve got my friend’s birthday party Friday night, but do you think we could do Saturday?”). If someone wants to see you, they will see you.
For the love of god and all things holy, DO NOT DO THAT LAST THING. Seriously. Don’t. Do not. That is the creepiest, weirdest, neediest shit a dude can do. Now, as I said, I subscribe to the “If they like you, they’ll tell you” theory of dating, but let’s say something has come up and she’s just been unable to get back in contact with you even though she really wants to. . . resending the note or-- even worse-- sending some needy fishing nonsense would be an INSTANT deal breaker for me.
Is this on OKC or another site where you can see who visits your profile when? Even when I am interested in a guy, I get incredibly weirded out when I see he’s visiting my profile multiple times a day. I’ve cut off communication with guys who have done that.
That’s a healthy way to look at the opposite sex. Maybe they just didn’t like you, too? Maybe you came across as too needy (you’re coming across as needy here, ftr). Maybe they didn’t like your hair. Maybe your alma matter is the site of a horrific family mass murder and she can’t possibly live with daily reminders of that incident? Who knows. But people are allowed to not like you, just like you are allowed to not like them. This isn’t some moral failing on behalf of either party, it’s just life.
On the real though: you are coming across obsessive and like you’re needing a tremendous amount of personal validation from these dating experiences. . . that’s no good. It’ll scare away even the most kind hearted soul. My suggestion is that if you are going to date, you do it with the intention of just meeting people and having fun, not looking for a soul mate. If you want to go out again at the end of the date, don’t play some stupid game, just ask her out again. Don’t over think it. Don’t complicate it.
And if it doesn’t work out-- maybe you’ve made some awesome new friends. Of all the guys I met off of OKC, I ended up actually dating exactly one. I ended up being FWB with another guy. The rest? Some there was just nothing, so I never talked to them again (and they never talked to me either) and some are now good friends. I went on those dates not expecting life-altering romance, but with the simple expectation to meet someone and have a good afternoon. If more came of it, awesome. If not, that’s life.
Something to add to what Diosa said about asking her why she didn’t reply to you (And checking her profile over and over). I’ve found, many times, that friends join dating sites together (you’ll see them in each other’s pictures). You don’t want to chat it up with a new girl, have it going well and then have her friend say “Wait, that was that guy…”
I mean, the chances are slim, but there’s already so many stupid ways for a conversation to go wrong, why add another one. People won’t reply to your email if your profile has too many grammatical errors, what do you think is going to happen if you have an ‘ok’ date with their friend and then proceed to creep them out later when they don’t respond to you?
I’d rather the friend said “Yeah we went out once a few months ago, it was okay, nothing special, you should go out with him, he was nice” and not “OMG, after we went out he sent me an email that I didn’t reply to so he sent me another one where he demanded an explanation.”
I’ve actually listed my goals on the site as “long term dating” and “making new friends.” But I find it might be odd to just ask a girl if she just wants to be friends. Isn’t there some kind of serious gap between dating and just being friends? I figure if I ask a girl just to be friends, she might think I’m being sneaky with the intention of changing her mind eventually about dating. I just met these ladies one time. I have no idea if anything romantic would work out, but I did like their company. But they just close off the deal. No dating, no friendship. Maybe I’m just creepy, who knows.
Just to make it clear, I never checked her profile over and over. I only know that she changed her profile because on OKCupid (as I’m sure you know), when you change your profile, it shows up on the front page with a note that says, “LadyGoGo123 recently updated her profile,” with the changes highlighted.
Yeah, I won’t do that third option. I just have this idea that maybe my e-mail got lost among the others she’s gotten. I doubt that but I’d hate that to be a reason why I didn’t get a reply when she might have been waiting all along for me to contact her.
I think too much.
I promise, you don’t think as much as I do. I overthink just about every step I make.
If any of this comes across on your dates, well, there’s your problem. CLEARLY THEY MUST BE BITCHES AND TOTALLY UNSERIOUS BECAUSE THEY IGNORED ME
Do you mean “It’s not a healthy way to look at the opposite sex”?
If I come across as needy, I’m not sure there’s anything I can do about that. I am what I am. I figured that maybe I’m just hot-blooded. But I wonder if there are some telltale signs when I’m talking to these women that just scares them away. I’m pretty sure I’m normal enough on dates. I chew with my mouth closed, maintain eye contact, I talk about my life and listen patiently when she talks about hers. I have no idea about what’s really going on because someone can’t really judge himself accurately. I’d need some independent observer taking down notes. Chaperones are no longer in vogue, are they? 
None of that comes along on my dates because the girls who meet me aren’t in that group. If you don’t think that a lot of the women on these sites don’t have inflated expectations and standards, then we’ll just have to agree to disagree. The only women who have responded to me are those with about three or four pictures of themselves, rather than pics next to every famous monument in 65 different countries, in large groups of friends who are all holding alcoholic drinks.
A lot of the women complain that men on dating sites all only care about sex. Well, two can play at that game. I say that a lot (not all but a lot) of the women there are there for an ego boost and to meet the president of a Fortune 500 company. How do you like them apples?
Okay, first of all, I’m a dude, so you can point your bitterness rays elsewhere, but that said, you think 95% of women are looking for the president of a Fortune 500 company…on OKCUPID? Listen to yourself, man.
Sometimes people just aren’t interested in you.
Ask to be friends? Unless you’re in 6th grade and making each other friendship bracelets, most folks don’t “ask” people to be friends.
If a date clearly isn’t having that romantic spark, but the person I’m with is cool people, then. . . we just become friends. Sometimes you do have that conversation (“Hey man, you are great, but I think we both know we aren’t right for each other romantically. Still, you’re fun as hell and I think we definitely do mesh well. Are we cool?” “Of course!” And then a week later you guys go to a concert together or something in a non romantic way).
Also, you use words like “sneaky” to describe these women. You are truly displaying a really unhealthy attitude toward the opposite sex. The world isn’t out to get you, some people just don’t want to date you. It happens. Some (MOST) people don’t want to date me either. That’s life.
I was being sarcastic as a way to highlight the absurdity of your attitude toward some of these women and your misplaced bewilderment and speculation over their motivations. Sarcasm is something humans often implement within communication to add complexity and interest to the discussion.
I promise: if it’s coming across in short posts here, it’s probably coming across on multi-hour dates. Probably much more so than you’re realizing.
Again, with this attitude, it’s no surprise women aren’t lining up for date number two. You may think it’s not obvious to them, but I promise, it is. So long as you have this miserable attitude toward women, all your preconceived notions are going to be self-fulling prophecies.
If you don’t understand hyperbole, that’s not my problem. And I’m not pointing my “bitterness rays” at you or anyone and I could care less if you’re a dude.
I’m sorry but were you present during my dates, because you seem to know so much about what went on. I’m not condemning all women on these sites as superficial and certainly not the ones grounded enough to want to meet a regular guy like me. But tell me more about how I’m a creep, needy, bitter, have the mentality of a sixth grader . . .
Alright. You’re right, I wasn’t there, but I’m also not the one repeatedly complaining about my lack of romantic prospects and how nobody wants a second date from me either.
Keep doing what you’re doing, friend.
I have no idea why a couple of people here have decided to pick on me. I came here just to mention a little of my experience and to ask for some advice and I’ve gotten psychoanalyzed and criticized. Maybe I shouldn’t have given my opinion and that angered some people and I’m certainly bitter. But I’m not a bad person. I don’t hate women. I’m polite. I do my best. I never said that women are sneaky. I did use that word but it was to refer to myself, yet it was used against me.
Yes, I am bitter and I wish that I wasn’t. But I’m doing the best that I can. I’ve never been rude to anyone on a date or at all. I don’t think it’s right that I’m referred to as naïve. You say that you make a lot of friends. Well, great. But how? Why do you have to say that I’m like in sixth grade? I contact these girls and ask if they just want to hang out and they don’t even want to be friends. There is certainly something unappealing about me but it’s not because I’m disrespectful or rude or some kind of chauvinist, regardless of some unsavory opinions I’ve offered on a semi-anonymous website that offended some people enough to despise me.
I interpreted your first posts as asking for suggestions and constructive criticism, and I think you got it (in the not-very-gentle way typical of this thread, if you’ve read any of it). No need to feel attacked or get so defensive.
Clearly, you are having problems dealing with the fact that you are not connecting with women in the way you would like (romantically, or even just forming friendships). This doesn’t mean you are defective/unappealing to all women, and it also doesn’t mean you should blame women for not connecting with you. It means you need to do things differently so you can achieve your goals.
At least consider that there might be some good advice and truths in what people said to you here, even if they got some things wrong or hurt your feelings, and that you might have to change up your interaction style when you are meeting new people, in order to be more socially successful.
ETA: Since you’re getting regular dates from a dating site based on a short profile and pictures, your problems are obviously not with your looks, presentation, or status. You’re fucking it up somehow in the first meeting or two.
So, I’ve finally jumped back into the OKCupid scene…and I’m open to feedback. :eek: 
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/nom_de_cupid
Be gentle!
Love the photo 
What’s a “wonk”?