But also, make sure you read their profile. If they are an avid boater/biker/skiier etc, then not only will they have lots of pictures of themselves doing that activity, it would represent their life. Of course, if they look like typical douche bag pictures…keep moving.
OTOH, I have a picture of myself on my bike, but it’s because it was a halfway decent picture (and it kind of implies IMHO that if you have an issue with motorcycles, don’t contact me, I have one…I ride it).
I think this might be an age thing too. AClockWorkMelon is all of 20, IIRC, and Divine is in her 40’s. Someone in their 20’s has been used to taking tons of pictures in succession because we grew up with cheap digital cameras and taking pictures is often a recreational activity, whereas someone in their 40’s is of the point and shoot variety.
THis doesn’t help if I can’t tell what you look like. I want to see the expression in your eyes, and how warm your smile is. You can tell me later about your hobbies.
Not always. Maybe it’s different for women, but I"ve seen many, many profiles for men that show multiple photos none of which are helpful: 1) a guy with a hat and sunglasses on the back of a boat; 2) a group shot at a baseball game, all of them wearing caps, and no indication which one is the profile owner; and 3) a guy and his dog, blurry and the size of a postage stamp.
If I had money to buy toys; sure.
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If a guy happens to be able to afford toys, that’s nice, but I wouldn’t choose to date him for that main reason. I guess I equate a guy trying to impress me with his money, to a woman who might post photos of herself with excessive amounts of cleavage and a skirt so short it qualifies as a belt. **Lindsaybluth **makes a good point, as well - but if there are so many pictures available nowadays (I feel old now), why do they not choose ones where you can see what they actually look like?
The problem is that they don’t have enough photos, then, not that they have a photo of them in their boat.
Uh. Sure. 
The problem is shoddy photography/lack of photos, not the content of those photos. This is an issue with women, too. The dreaded FGAS (here come the flames!), etc.
Maybe they’re unattractive.
They put up the most flattering photo that they have. Not the same as a flattering photo, full stop.
Honestly, I think that lots of men don’t have a ghost of a clue how to present themselves.
I’ll give you an example. I’m browsing Facebook simultaneously right now, and went to post on a friend of my SO’s (and now a friend of mine) wall about having a little get together next weekend. He’s a smart, good looking guy - I’d give him a 7, maybe 7.5 if he’s working out routinely. He has a business degree, makes a good salary, and is looking at going to get his MBA or his JD next fall (he’s 23). If I had a single friend I thought would get along with him (all of my friends are scattered, and not in my city), I’d never hesitate to set them up.
Now, his Facebook picture makes him look oddly short, he’s sitting down, and he isn’t smiling or frowning or…anything. His killer smile is nowhere to be seen. He’s maybe a 4.5 in his photo. I imagine many attractive girls would mentally dismiss him immediately. He also has the fact that he’s Jewish listed - which is totally fine, ethnically he is Jewish. But he’s fairly agnostic, and has absolutely no desire to exclusively date or marry Jewish girls, so I think that could also send the wrong signal, like only Jewish girls or those willing to convert need apply.
Ok, I’ve got a what should I do type thing. Talked to her on Match email and Match IM a bit. We’ve spoken on the phone a few times and seemed to be hitting it off. The problem? We both have a kid and we live about 45 minutes apart (she moved just a few days ago, it didn’t start out that way). The driving I could handle, especially since we’ve gotten to know each other over the phone. It’s the kids. We both have our kids more or less part time, but never on coinciding days. That is, there’s never a time that we can easily meet without the kids around. I was thinking of inviting her and her kid to the Harley Davidson Museum (kids are free and I have a pair of tickets that I got for free but are about to expire). The thing is, they say you should hold off on your kids meeting someone your dating until you know it’s going to be a LTR and it wouldn’t just be my kid liking becoming friends with her, but my daughter would suddenly have a new friend her own age and I would hate for that to get pulled away from her if we didn’t hit it off. And, even if we do hit it off, my biggest concern is that I’m worried a new relationship would struggle if anything we did had to involve a pair of kids. No going out to the movies, no nice dinners, it would make sex tricky. I’m not really interested in spending the first few months of a new relationship at McDonalds and sitting on the floor playing Candyland. Don’t get me wrong, I’m okay with that in a LTR, but it’s those first couple of months I don’t want to lose. Not only for the reasons I listed, but I’d be worried we wouldn’t even get to know each other that well.
Thoughts?
PS, I fear I may have answered my own question by saying this “outloud”
PPS, A few days ago, I gave her a call to invite her to the museum. She didn’t pick up, but I figured she would see the missed call and return it later on. I haven’t heard back yet. I think am at the point where if she calls me back, I’ll see if she want’s to go to the museum, otherwise I think I’m going to keep moving. This whole thing seems to have been a lot of work on my part. It seems like every time we talk be it by email or on the phone, things go very well, then she’ll just drop off the face of the earth for a few days/weeks and then I’ll hear back form her again. Everything will seem to go well, and she’ll disappear. I think what happening is that she’s talking to more then just me and when she meets someone in person, she stops all communication with anyone else she’s talking to (she told me that’s what happened one of the other times). And that’s fine and all, I have no problem with it. My problem is that it’s been like two months now and I haven’t had my turn at bat, I’m starting to feel like I’m getting led on. Like, I’m the movie you keep on your Netflix queue that you don’t really want to see, but you kinda do, so you just keep it there, towards the bottom. You hope you never forget and get it mailed, but if it shows up, you’ll watch it anyways…Kind like that. I mean, if she were to call me before I meet someone else, I’d meet her IRL, but I think I’m done putting any more effort in to this until I see some on her part. So yeah, there ya have it. I’ve decided. I’m not contacting her anymore. If she calls me, I’ll talk to her, I’ll suggest the museum (unless we find a day without kids) and if get the feeling she doesn’t want to set a date to meet IRL, that’ll be the end of it.
That’s what I meant.
:smack: Also, laughing with-you-at-you. Did you at least email the poor woman back and let her know you realized the error?
If you have the time, I’d say give it at least one or two dates–people can surprise you in person. But if you *have *to make a choice between two guys who have personalities that attract you equally, yet one appears to be more *physically *attractive… Go with the hotter guy. That doesn’t make you shallow–you’re not saying they’re bad people, just ones you have no interest in having a *physical *relationship with.
FWIW, this is how I ended up meeting a guy who’s now probably my best friend in the whole wide: there was zero physical chemistry for me, but we agreed to keep hanging out anyway because we were having so much fun.
Conflicting advice, is my WAG. People tell them, “Don’t just take a picture of yourself! Post a picture that someone else took of you!” So they do, and it happens to be them plus whatever toy they happen to spend a lot of time with.
Ugh. Hate to say it, but this sounds like a kiss of death before the relationship starts. I don’t have any kids, and I’ve never dated anybody with them, but my impression is that you shouldn’t be having your early dates with the kids around. So unless you guys can work out some sort of arrangement where you’d meet on dates that you could trade having to get a sitter,* I’d have to say don’t bother. It will be (a) awkward for the kids and (b) almost impossible for you guys to get to properly know each other as adults.
*And that’s assuming that you’d both be *willing *to give up nights when you have your kids–dunno how the custody percentages work out.
shudder The Friend Zone.
It’s not a bad thing if that’s how it’s working both ways. I met someone like that too – we had conflicting goals in terms of what we were looking for in relationships, but we had so much in common that we decided to meet anyway. He’s a pretty awesome guy.
2 of my really good friends were guys i met through online dating.
And Bosstone - the Friend Zone is not so bad. Guy friends of mine get fixed up with girl friends of mine - I was able to get 2 of my friends in an FWB relationship while they were looking - made them both chill out a lot!
I’ve been there; yes, it is.
Okay, I’m not sure if I’m asking for advice, or perspective, or what, but I’m throwing this out there.
First, I tend to be very straightforward and proactive in communication, particularly in relationships. I’m aware that a lot of people find this off-putting, but lack of clarity (as well as taking a month to resolve a problem that could have been put to rest with a timely ten-minute conversation) frustrates and stresses me no end, so I figure it’s not a bad thing to avoid people who do not have a compatible communication style (particularly in relationships).
Secondly, I’ve recently met someone IRL (that is, not via a dating site). At this point we have absolutely no idea what we are, or could be, to each other. It will probably take us weeks or months to figure this out. I am trying to just let this unfold as it will, which is difficult for me (the discomfort with the lack of clarity thing).
And lastly, I recently got a message on OKC that came from a guy who at first blush seems like he’d be worth knowing, as a friend if nothing else. From prior experience I know that trying to juggle multiple “dates” stresses me out more than I can handle. On the other hand, I’m not sure I just want to blow off a perfectly nice-seeming guy just because his timing sucks. At the same time, I don’t want him to get the wrong impressions from my response (it is a dating site after all) – I guess ultimately I feel under pressure to manage his expectations to conform with the reality I’m dealing with right now, and managing expectations of multiple other people is what stresses me out about “seeing” more than one person at a time.
My gut instinct is to just respond and be blunt about where I’m at right now. Of course he may find that off-putting, which may be worse than simply letting it go until things have settled down. Of course, being “blown off” for a couple months only to receive a welcoming response much much later might be kind of off-putting too. It doesn’t really help that I don’t have enough of an impression of this guy to have any idea how he might fit into my life, or even if I’d want him to.
I am quite straightforward in my profile too, so it’s not like he doesn’t know that about me, and he seems to have a positive response to that. Then again, I’ve met quite a few people who tell me they find it refreshing and honest who then never speak to me again, so. shrug
I’m also explicit in my profile that I’m also looking for friends, and I genuinely mean that. I haven’t logged in for a while, and OKC doesn’t have an “It’s complicated” status anyway (which is the only shorthand that can describe what’s going on right now), so I’m still listed as single. I am also very very often guilty of waaaayyy over-thinking things, which quite possibly is the case here, in which case feel free to smack some sense into me.
I find that the vast majority of people who say they are straightforward and honest, or that they like blunt honesty, never actually mean it. I’m not including you in this, mind; I certainly know at least a couple people who live up to it. But it’s amazing how many people say that, then proceed to lie, weasel, evade, or be hurt, not by what you’re saying but by your bluntness. Personally, I say caveat freaking emptor. If you say you’re okay with it, it’s on you.
That’s just tangential, anyway. It is a weird situation, but I would just stick to your principles and put it out there. Let him know what’s going on and that you’re willing to meet up anyway, for whatever it leads to, Friend Zone or otherwise. Granted, that may well scare him off 
but one way or another that’ll solve things.
And hey, best case: threesome.
For me, personally, if I were the guy interested in you on OkC, this is what I’d like to hear. But I’m someone who appreciates that kind of honesty–which may give my opinion more or less weight.
The only thing I’d caution is to be careful how you phrase things. I’d make sure the emphasis is on “Wow, this is really bad timing, you seem amazing but I’m trying to sort through my feelings for this friend of mine, and I don’t think I’d be able to give you the attention you deserve” and not “I’m holding you in reserve in case things fall through: thanks for being my backup plan.”
I think there are two considerations here.
1.) There’s bluntness is the sense of being candid and open, and there’s bluntness in the sense of being an asshole. It’s possible to be honest without being hurtful. (Consider, e.g., the difference between “I don’t think that dress is a flattering cut for you” and “Nice rolls, fatty. Keeping a ham sandwich in there for later?”)
2.) There are, of course, also the people who like it when they can be blunt to everyone else, but don’t like it when other people are blunt to them in the same way. In other words, Human Nature Aspect #517. And I think this is where your “don’t dish it out if you can’t take it” and/or “don’t say you want people to do X unless you actually mean it” comments come into play.
It’s actually pretty rare that I run into someone for whom “bluntness” means “I reserve the right to be an asshole.” Usually I smell asshole stench on them before any real contact is made. More often they’re nice people and claim they prefer honesty but can’t actually dish it out or take it, even tactfully put. But then, my world is full of socially inept geeks, so I suppose that comes with the territory.
Yeah, tact is good. I’m not looking at him as a backup plan but rather I’d just tell him that I’m in a really weird place right now, but I don’t think it necessarily precludes getting to know who he is. I wouldn’t make any attempt to define things beyond that – seems a bit premature to do so.
Sounds good to me, Kaio.